How do I fix a power struggle?

[Anonymous]

My husband works full time as a trucker and I go to medical school, do all housework, cook and take care of our three dogs. He obviously pays all the bills since he is the only one who is working. Lately it feels like it’s his way or no way. My opinion doesn’t matter or how I feel about the situation. I must deal with it. In every argument, when he sees he is losing. He will always bring up the fact that he pays all the bills. That is always his trump card in every argument. Even though it has nothing to do with money or responsibilities. I feel like he feels like that gives him the right to get away with anything and I just have to shut my mouth and endure it. How do I fix this? I feel like the longer this goes on, the less I love him. The chance of me leaving him becomes greater everyday. I don’t want that to happen. I want to save this relationship but I don’t know.

[SueShe]

There is a simple way to solve your issue.

You are basically working for free but if you were paid, what would be your equivalent wage at, let's say minimum wage?

Start by making a table and list all the work you do in the household. For every chore that you do and that he does not, put in the daily/weekly hours spent doing what you are doing. That would include

- doing the laundry
- cooking
- house chores
- walking the dogs
- shopping

Those are just the few ones that come to my mind. Add all the hours done working for free in a week and multiply those hours by the minimum wage (or realistic wage).

Once you added up your "salary", compare it with your husband's and then make the calculation. You may end up "earning" more that he does and then he should simply shut up and accept the fact that you are not his slave.

[Franknorthwich]

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[Anonymous]

There's no power struggle. You LOST a long time ago. I'll bet he thinks women truckers belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant too.

I've driven truck for 27 years and it thrills me to no end to see a 5'2", 110 lb woman hop out of a truck. I can smell the fumes of drivers like him and I just chuckle to myself.

He's a misogynistic prick who uses his money as his power.

What to save sweetie? You enjoying yourself being under his thumb? There's way better out there. Save yourself and your sanity. it's not going to get any better. GET OUT!

[idkwhatsreal]

Stop doing shit for him. That’s what I would do. Maybe ask him what’s for dinner . Like if you fight about it you Fight. But don’t give in until he hears what you are saying. He’s not used to his ways being questioned and disrupted so he is avoiding change and since paying bills is his way out do that. Well he’s still gunna pay them regardless cuz he knows you can’t. So do what you gotta do. Or you can ride it out till you are a doctor and then leave him then he’ll have to do everything himself anyways. Soo you could say that.

[SnakeBoop]

Ask him when he's going to start paying you for the housework you've been doing.
I bet he'll either mention that it's for both your benefit (then look silently at him and be like... yeah, like paying our bills then?) Or wait for him to be offronted.

He sounds like a manipulative asshole really.

[Mofunfour20]

You can't argue to change a situation that isn't in your control. Either you're gonna get up and do it yourself or ask someone else. If they say no and you can't do it yourself, you can't blame them for being controlling. You can get up and do it yourself. Marriage isn't about love, its about duty. He makes you safe, you support his purpose. You should have married a man that isn't able to stand up for what he believes in. Someone naive

[mommymommymommy]

You're not working. Thus, his money, his rules

I live with my parents, at 34. As long as I pay rent, I can do basically what I want, though they'd rather I make some smarter decisions and they've even had to tell me, stop ordering something because it's a waste of money.

Life revolves around money. if you have it, you have power

[Paul09]

Tell him straight forward. I don't feel like you respect me, appreciate me, or care for me. Like how are these "men" getting women? Blows my mind. Why on earth would You treat your girlfriend/wife in that matter? I think I may start being a a-hole, since women love that, for some odd reason.

[PrettyPriya]

He has to understand that a relationship is 50/50. That doesn't apply just to finances. He pays bills but you contribute in other ways because you are in school. Playing that "money" card is a weak one and not fair.

[jahaims]

Talk to him about it. Express to him that you appreciate his hard work and willingness to pay the bills but there are more factors than that in a relationship. Doing whatever you want just because you pay the bills is immature and manipulative.

[In_Trance]

have you had the conversation with him about going your separate ways?

[Laylababy3188]

Don't let him treat you any less than just bc he paus bills. Leave him it will only get worse

[jimmy2]

Ohh baby i hear you no one wins in an argument. Tell him clearly its not about bills its about love

[Mofunfour20]

He wins because he controls their resources, unless she's gonna leave. She needs him more than he needs her

[Carolus]

It will never work, the only fix is to breakup.

[TheFlak38]

keep your mouth shut like a good wife.

[driven159]

it might be lost already