Does this mean we are over?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend had an intense talk about an old issue that caused us to end couple years ago.. he said he don’t know if he can compromise.. I also said I don’t know what to say… (since that’s his answer), and he hasn’t contact me for three days.

[WonderBell99]

Let me get this straight, you and your boyfriend had a disagreement years ago, which caused you guys to break-up, but then you got back together with him and now one of you brought up the same issue, had a fight, and now he hasn't contacted you in 3 days?

If neither of you are willing to compromise, you should break up with him. Relationships are based on compromises. Both of you should either meet halfway or let it go, if you want to stay in a relationship. Why did you say you did not know? How would he know what is going on in your mind if you do not tell him how you feel about it? If he said he cannot work out a compromise with you, you have two options:

- break up with him and move on
OR
- push through it and agree with him

Honestly, I'd suggest you to talk to him. Hear out what he has to say, try to work out a deal. If he does not accept it, it's best to break up. Is it something major or minor? If you could provide more context, it'd be appreciable and I could try to be of more help.

[Asker]

Yep exactly why I said I didn’t know what to say to him when it sound like he maybe couldn’t compromise. But my question is he hasn’t contact me for 3 days since then? So is it over? He brought up the old issue because we were talking about boundaries. It’s very complex.

My bf’s older sister gives little neck kisses to him when she was drunk reminiscing he’s always gonna be her little baby bro.. we might be breaking up over it cuz he can’t stand up saying no to “fam affection” , it would be wrong.. disrespectful if I asked him to dodge those type of kisses from her unless she choose not to do it on her own.. and I don’t feel comfortable.. she has a problem with me having a problem with it… does she have some sort of incest feelings for him? I asked if it has ever been more than just fam between them.. he said no.. and that it would be weird… but I don't know..

This is why I said did not know what to say when he say he don’t know if he can compromise.. because me accepting something that makes me feel uncomfortable sounds hurtful… I also felt like he didn’t try to think of how I felt instead of just his sister. what do you think? :/

[WonderBell99]

Well, that is weird. Siblings don't do that. Heck, I have a brother and I sure as fuck wouldn't do that to him.

Does she do it often or was it the only time she did when she was drunk? I'm asking this because if it is the latter, she must have done it because she was drunk. Alcohol makes people do crazy stuff

If it bothers you and he's not willing to say no, you should break up. On the other hand, you should also trust him. If he says that nothing has ever happened between them, why not trust him? I don't think she has incestuous feelings toward him. She did say "little baby bro" and not any other term of endearment you'd use for a partner, did she? I can totally understand how this would bother you, but as I said, if neither of you are willing to compromise, it's best to end it.

[Asker]

I know she only does it with alcohol and it’s just once in a blue moon when she don’t see him for a long time or having old memories of their childhood… but the fact it happened before.. and it could still happened… where she’s bothered that I’m bothered with it.. is very obvious she’s conscious of it and don’t even wanna stop cuz she knows it’s why we ended before… it’s like wtf. And I will still feel sad, upset, disturb….

He said he don’t know he can compromise cuz it goes against his morals… it’s disrespectful to him and his family if he compromise by dodging those potential neck kisses… and obviously I can’t accept it cuz it’s just uncomfortable…

His sister told him if he’s serious end sure of me, she wants him to bring me over for dinner and give me a talk about the kiss… but I don’t feel comfortable cuz I know she has a prob that I have a prob with it.. and I don’t seem to hear that he’s even defending me? Like I don't know if he ever.. or will… :/ so that’s why I said I don't know what to say to him. And again he hasn’t contact me since for 3 days… does that mean it’s over and he decided he didn’t want me anymore?

I’m not gonna contact him… i feel like if he wants to make us work, he will show me… he’s not acting like his usual self since he hasn’t say anything… and I can’t text him and hear he don’t want us.. cuz it’s too heart breaking the second time over the same case

[WonderBell99]

If I were you, I'd go and meet his sister. Try talking to her, she's not a monster, she's not going to bite you. Contact your boyfriend and tell him that you'd like to have a dinner with his sister.. ask him to come along if you want.

I can see that you love your boyfriend a lot. Why not give this a try? Besides, this is not a regular occurrence. I'm not disregarding your feelings, I can understand how uncomfortable and awkward it must be for you, but please consider meeting his sister and talking to her about it. Don't get defensive or confrontational.. allow her to talk, and try to make her understand that you feel uncomfortable with those neck kisses.

[Asker]

You’re completely right. I realized she was the problem and that our only way to compromise is talking to the sister…. However, I also realized… my boyfriend wasn’t even willingly to try to compromise.. he didn’t mentioned my feelings except that his sister has a prob about it… and it made me feel like.. do I even matter? Is he even tryna understand how hard it’s for me? I felt so hurt feeling that way.. and my other concern is.. is he even willingly to defend me and stand up to his sister? Will he even tell her to stop for me? And that’s when I feel like…. What’s the point me trying to come up with these solutions and tryna talk to her when he hasn’t even try to contact me.. and he hasn’t even try to support me or I don't know if he would 😭😭😭💔😔😭😔😭

That’s why I feel like it’s over because he hasn’t say anything for three days… and it makes me feel like he doesn’t want us anymore… sighs. So idk… I feel like maybe I’m just fighting for us alone? I just don’t know what’s best…

[WonderBell99]

The best thing you can do is talk to his sister.

I think your boyfriend does not want to stand up for you because he does not want to ruin his relationship with his sister.. I do not know what his sister is like. But you do not want to regret not giving this a try, right? Try talking to his sister, if she does this again and he still does not stand up for you, you might want to consider breaking up.

Is his family bitchy or don't like you? Does he stand up for you against them?

[Asker]

Why do you think he hasn’t contact me for 3 days?

Sighs that’s sad but true… it’s why I feel like why should I talk to her if he’s not gonna stand up or back me up? Cuz we need that in an adult relationship long-term :/ it’s the only reason I do feel like breaking up.

His parents pass away and he said all he has left is his siblings… but I don’t feel like it justify the neck kiss… I don’t wanna continue the relationship if she’s still gonna do it cuz it’s too much.. I realized I will be losing self-respect and hurting myself if she still persist on it. I don't know her well but before his family really likes me and wanted me to be his girlfriend (since I met them before we were official cuz we were just dating). But I was told that they can be bitchy if someone does something wrong to them. I know he don’t wanna ruined his relationship with her, but it bothers me that.. he can’t be supportive for me as his gf…as if I’m not worth enough… he’s very passive in general to his family and peers…

I wanna talk to her but I don't know if I should if he’s not gonna be supportive.. or if she’s not gonna be open-minded how it is damaging our relationship and how it affects me? Like it triggers my ex cheating on me and neck kisses is initimacy for me between couples… so I don't know.

I don’t think he has stand up for me. I think he has only shared I had an issue about it. And in the past she said I should get over it… when she knew we ended over that.. like wtf that’s insensitive… idk… my co worker thinks she has incest feelings for him that’s forbidden and wanna make me jealous… but I don't know

[WonderBell99]

If your boyfriend is not willing to stand up for you, break-up with him.

And tbh, his sister sounds bitchy.. but maybe she's changed? Give her the benefit of doubt. Talk to her, if it doesn't work out, break up with him.

[Asker]

Because he hasn’t contact me. Because of his last words of being unsure he will compromise due to his reasonings… I have a percentage of doubts he won’t support or stand up for me if I talked to her….

That’s why I asked on here cuz he hasn’t contact me for three days since… does this mean it’s over or he don’t want us?

[WonderBell99]

I'm not sure about that.. maybe he just wants to give you some space?

If you are sure that he will never stand up for you, then break up. Your boyfriend need not always side with a particular person, but he needs to side with the person who's being fair. Maybe he does not want to lose his siblings especially since he lost his parents? I'd try talking to him and his sister, just give it a try..

[Asker]

Thanks for trying to encourage me to be brave since I feel really down despite caring for him a lot.

I think I need to think about it.. if I should text tomorrow and ask if he wants to meet to talk about our relationship. Then, see if he even want it still , be understanding of me, and see if he’s willingly to support me if I go talk to his sister…

[WonderBell99]

No problem, Asker. You seem like a nice person. Be more brave and never settle down for anything less than what you deserve. Sending virtual hugs <3

hmm, it's always best to talk. If he does not agree to meet you tomorrow, you'll get your answer.