My boyfriend is unemployed since we are together and doesn't want to find a job. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I talked to him about it and tried to motivate him. He said he would try to find a job but it's been months and he hasn't done anything about it. When I bring the subject he just stops talking to me, like I offended him somehow. We are together a year and a half now and live at his house (no money needed for rent). He doesn't spend too much or want any money from me, I just leave some of what I earn at home and he does all the shopping with it - it's not like he doesn't do anything at home.
But it's like we are stuck. I am 30 and he is 39, no kids. Feels so stupid arguing over money... We love each other, but I feel like I am a single mom with a teenager. Please give me some, advice what should I do?

[Anonymous]

I didn't get my first job till 30. Now I model and make cold calls for a living. (I only like one of those jobs lol but wouldn't make enough money with it). I'm into art but I'm not good enough to make a living off of it. Being a failed artist is really why I went so long with no job among a few other things.

I don't know your boyfriend, but going from no job to first job (oops I made an assumption) is really hard if there's nothing you're interested in and don't have a strong motivation. You can try to get a job, but it's difficult to get a job with no experience and no resume and no job search habits/skills. You'll try every once in a while to look for work but when you don't land a job fast enough you kind of stop searching. Only trying again every once in a while.

I also didn't want to talk when being asked about looking for a job. (Even Squidward in a damn Spongebob episode was not pleasant when he was unemployed and spongebob tried to tell him he needs to get a job, lol)

I wouldn't know how to help him. A very painful experience involving wanting to be able to provide for a girl (I had basically fallen in love with) made me push harder to get a job. (started working 7AM to 9PM 6 days a week too, delivery) Which makes it sound like you might have to threaten to leave him, or actually leave him and he can't get back with you until he has a job. That could, would probably be a harsh and painful solution. I quit art and felt like shit the WHOLE TIME till I found 2 things. A career opportunity that will make me enough money to not chase hours at work until I die of old age, and a very part time level job that I actually really enjoy.

He could be stuck because he's comfortable. Imagine a bird trying to leave a nest, but it's mother keeps him fat. I went a long time with no job as well, but unlike me he has a girlfriend (you) who says she loves him and he has no job? That's pretty comfortable and lucky. (And I still have no one fml)

I really wanna help cause I feel like I can relate to this guy. (except he has a girlfriend and I don't lol).

Oh, I also have one wild answer here. I, am motivated to provide for a girl. (the one I loved and still love). And she said she didn't want a job and I was (and still would be) happy to work and provide for her and let her stay unemployed. If you love your boyfriend, maybe don't make him get a job? Seems a lot like a role a guy would take on doesn't it? You don't have to do what sounds normal.

Anyway, you could try only aiming for your boyfriend to get part time hours of work. Or maybe something easier like dog walking. (or try to find anything he might like and ease his way into)

Maybe use a service like "workforce 1" or something where there's someone who will help you get a job.

Also, sorry I'm typing so much. I clearly don't have a straight forward answer and I myself am basically pondering out loud here because It'd be nice if there was a neat solution or source for long term unemployed people to get help getting a job. A 9-5 might not even be the answer for the long term.

Get him hooked on self help, but avoid scams.
I think I'm just gonna stop typing. Helping him/ helping him help himself won't be easy. It'll take patience. And you can't use force of any kind to get him to do things. Self control wise, even if I WANT SOMETHING I can't use force to get myself to do it. (I ease my way into things and gave up on "willpower" that shit don't work. I've made my progress and am where I am today)

Sorry I don't quite have an answer. Dumping is easier then "helping/fixing" him. If I come up with an answer, it won't be duing this stream of conscious typing session.

[Asker]

Appreciate your answer, I see it took a while!
We are not in USA and here it's quite easy to find a job. Whatever would be good. And it wouldn't be his first job. I mean I don't need him to build a career, get rich and work for both of us. If I could I would do that, but my salary is just enough to live through the next payday. What happens if I stop working for some reason? We don't have any savings.
Another thing is we both agreed we want to have children one day and I am not getting any younger. And for this you need to have money and be responsible. At this point he hasn't showed me he can take responsibility for his own bills.
As you said it, when you fall in love with someone you want to provide and take care of them. He doesn't have that need. So I don't know if I am just not good enough for him. I don't feel safe and I can't trust him. Like knowing that whatever happens you have someone who would do anything for you and you two are in the s**t together. Now it's more like if anything happens I have to take care of both of us cause he is not a reliable person. And that means no children for us for sure - I don't want to be a lone mother of a child and an adult.
I have been very supportive, told him to take time, have some rest after his last job, to do whatever he wants and think what work would he wants, take it easy... It's been 1.5 y since then. When I ask what his plans are sometimes he just say he would find something soon and other times he just stops talking to me. I am not pushy, I just ask what his plans are for the future and if do we have mutual plans at all

[Fireguy17]

Money is one of the biggest issues in most relationships.
As to being able to find a job, in our area if you have a pulse you can get hired anywhere.
Myself I need to keep busy.
I would not like it if my partner could work but didn't want to.
He probably doesn't see that if your situation would change you are kind of screwed.
You, the both of you could be saving for a house now.
No rent, that money could be put aside for a nice down payment, yet that it isn't going to happen.
Rent is extremely expensive, and here a house payment would be less than rent.
Hopefully he will get off his butt, however if it continues for an extended amount of time it might be time to think about your options.

[Anonymous]

Unless you're okay living like this forever, probably dump him. I had a deadbeat boyfriend who couldn't hold a job to save his life. Cost me tons of money and wasted years of my life I can never get back.

[PJH359]

When you are both relaxed sometime, have a talk about a “five year plan” and how you envision it playing out as it applies to the two of you as a couple. That would be a great time to discuss this topic without “offending” him…because you’re injecting the topic into a much larger conversation. This way it won’t seem like you’re singling him out or honing in on that one sensitive subject.

[TommyMountainFigure]

It sounds like he's happy, therefore never going to change. I can't tell you what you should do, only that you should either accept him for what he is, or leave.

[UniquelyBasic]

Its fine if he doesn't have a job for a certain period of time as it may be hard to find one but if he's not even trying then I would move on. He doesn't seem to want to fight for the relationship.

[Andres77]

Do you want a boy or a partner?
If you want a partner then you're going to have to leave him.
If a man has no shame about being a leech... then he's not a man.
He's a spoiled rotten brat.

[AimeeKyle]

Have discussion and understand why. If it isn’t a good reason and/or you do not feel you can live with that type of scenario/living arrangement…. Kick him to the curb.

[exitseven]

You should find somebody else. He obviously does not want to do anything with his life.

[BarryLiverstone]

You should decide if he can meet your needs. If he can’t then give him an opportunity to step up or you will leave

[KrakenAttackin]

If he is not actively working to aquire skills, build a business, find a job, or work a job he has; he needs to get off of his ass.

[Guido]

He has no ambition and that is a recipie for a failed relationship. If he won't change then you have to bite the bullet and move on.

[FunkyMonkee]

Maybe time to find a good boyfriend?

[msc545]

Find another, employed boyfriend.

[fred_durst]

dump him? you are not his mom

[clemdenim]

May need a new boyfriend

[TrillXHippy]

Leave

[CuriousMufuxka]

Get your own place.

[In_Trance]

Dump him