My boyfriend won't get a well paying job. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2yrs now (we are both turning 28 this year) and I make way more money than him and think about our future and he has months when he doesn't get any money at all. I have savings, he doesn't (he did but he bought a car he couldn't afford and still has to pay more money for it). We talked about moving together and having kids, but I don't see him as a reliable partner anymore and I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. He says I'm too nagging which I probably am. I feel like his mum.

He doesn't want to switch careers or find a better paying job. He says that everything will fall into place and that I don't live in the moment. He's super smart he knows multiple coding languages and how to solve a lot of hardware problems, but he doesn't like that niche anymore.


I love him and the connection is real but we fight almost everyday all because I don't see him as a man anymore... I just see a baby that I constantly have to take care of.

To be honest, he doesn't know how to cook or clean. His house is a disgusting mess. He lives with his grandma.. well I live with my parents too, but at least I clean and cook.

When he's not working (which is often) he just plays video games and sleeps.

It's such a turn off. I don't want to break up but I don't see this relationship going anywhere if he won't get a stable job and move together.

Please help. I don't want to be nagging anymore I want to encourage him to change and be helpful.


Oh and everytime he wants something to eat I make him and I even wake up at 5 or 6 to make him lunch for work.

We had intimacy problems as well. Everytime I wanted it (which was more often than him) he refused me and made me feel like a slut for wanting to have sex. He doesn't last more than 2 minutes anyway. But I think this is because we do it only at my house and my parents are at home.


... this is so sad

[CalmUntilAbused]

Well... Buying things one cannot afford is a big red flag, especially with men, who are supposed to be financially responsible. However, if He is smart and has programming knowledge, are You sure nothing wrong happened to Him? I mean... He doesn't want to switch careers, He apparently claims to be "living in the moment" (which is an insanely dumb thing to say and do, but I could expect such escapism to be caused by some severe emotional distress)... It almost looks like His mentality went into lockdown, like He's bracing Himself for some drastic event or have already experienced some event like that and it made Him panically fear change (like the change of a career) and lose His self-esteem (which I might consider to be the reason behind His reckless spending, like buying that car He cannot afford as some kind of compensation technique). About cooking and cleaning... I've always been rather messy myself, but I was ambitious (sometimes overambitious) regarding cooking. All of that took a huge hit in 2020 as the lockdowns striked. At one point I moved to a student house at my university due to severe issues with self-confidence related to online classes and it kind of snowballed from there. I stopped cooking for myself, I tended to disregard the laundry far more than I ever should, and as for cleaning, it was no longer a real thing for me. Once I got better, much of these symptoms receded, and my life is now supposedly stable (though maddeningly hollow). I can even recognize that gaming and sleeping pattern. There were days when I would simply join the lecture, put on my headphones and go back to bed, or something of this sort. At one point, I was physically unable to wake earlier than at 1 PM, which heavily interfered with my part-time job (I only took the afternoon shifts, but I still had to run for and from the bus to actually get there on time, with no time to have a breakfast). While I initially attributed it to malnutrition, it's possible that my actual lack of will to live was the root cause, as that and the lack of money (made somewhat worse later on with those problems with the part-time job) was what made me eat less. At one point, I actually wanted to slowly fade away from existence. Now, mind You, I was living in a student house and my family and friends started to get alarmed. If the same happened while I was living with my parents, they might attribute that to me simply being lazy and not something much, much darker (though given how hollow my life is anyway, even though I actually landed a stable job with a reasonable salary - which I claimed to simply be impossible during that period, due to me being supposedly regarded worthless by any employer, which turned out to be somewhat overblown - slowly fading away from existence might have actually been the right and healthy decision). I could probably die in my sleep and no one would be any wiser as to the reason. If the same is happening to Your boyfriend (and mind You, I did lie to myself and to everyone around that I'm perfectly fine during that period)... He might be in need of serious help... Your help, before anything else.

Oh, and as for the "sex thing"... A slut is someone who is promiscous. You are not, You just have Your regular libido acting up a bit, so... You are perfectly fine, and it's Your boyfriend's lack of libido that is alarming again (I mean, my own libido is low, almost unexistent, but that's my intentional tampering with it through serious mind tricks - I don't have a girlfriend and it does not look as if I will ever have one, so if I don't want to become a violent rapist or have some other similar problems, like going to strip clubs and generally morally degrading to the point when I became a real scum, I have to keep my libido in check - He does have a girlfriend, so His libido being unnaturally low is a truly alarming sign).

[D_Bone_Steak]

I haven't worked for over 2 decades... you know why my woman is perfectly happy with that? Because I lift weights and dick her down like a rabid chimp. I go out of my way not to cause any undue "extra-work" for her, which means I cook and clean after myself, my kid, and usually after her too.

I mean take the gender expectations out of this and just look at it. This dude wouldn't even be a good roommate and he sounds like he's shit in bed. Probably needs to lift some weights or do something.

I bet there are other issues you didn't mention... hygiene? Substance use? I mean if he has a lack of drive for any of the other basic Male departments, I'm sure it's bled over into a whole spectrum of other issues.

All I know is money is no issue to a woman as long as she's getting something out of it. Sure... some guys rely on making money to get and keep a chick, but I know for a fact that a chick that can support herself, doesn't really have much beef with a guy that isn't causing any undue expenses or issues. You might be latching onto that one issue simply because he's a problem with so many damn issues. You're probably wondering how difficult he's going to make your life... and I don't blame you. I wouldn't want this guy living in a shed in my backyard even... he's like a net negative instead of an addition to your life.

Bring the gender stuff back now, you're bitching about the same shit I hear a lot of dudes bitch about with their women. I don't think you're being a gold digger, but you're going to latch onto the more obvious roles he's not doing before all the other shit is on the top of your mind.

You should probably ask yourself if you're wasting your time with this guy. His ambitions (if he even has any real ambitions) don't match up to yours. It's a mismatch.

[AviatorTom]

If you think you deserve better...

[Tapeworm]

Oh boy, sounds like your boyfriend is a real catch! I mean, what's not to love about an unemployed gamer living in squalor with his grandma? I can see why you're torn between sticking around for the inevitable train wreck or bailing now and finding someone with ambition and a basic understanding of hygiene.

Personally, I think you're in for a bumpy ride with this guy. If he's not willing to put in the effort to make a better life for himself, what makes you think he'll put in the effort for you or any potential offspring? You already said it yourself - he's a baby that needs constant attention and coddling.

So, what's the solution? I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with him, or a dick-to-dick, whatever works best in this case. Be honest about how his lack of drive and ambition is affecting your attraction to him. Ask him what he sees for himself in the next 5, 10, 20 years. Hopefully he doesn't mention being the world's best Call of Duty player, although, hey, that could happen.

In the end, you gotta do what's best for you. If he's holding you back, it's like having 100 extra pounds on your back. He might be sweet and caring, but if he's content just existing rather than living, well, can you blame anyone if you wanted to start living rather than existing yourself?

[singleguyinKy]

I feel like you are losing out on your happiness by dealing with his choices, which are not meeting expectations you want in a relationship? I am a 41year old guy who was not allowed to play video games as a child in our household, which I am very thankful to my father for not allowing my siblings and I to have in our house! As a preteen and teenager, I am so thankful my dad had me outside working, rather than allowing me to sit inside playing video games. It's really sad there are so many people in the world who were allowed to play video games so much that they make it priority over everything else in life. If he's only lasting a couple of minutes with you sexually consistently, you're only going to become more miserable as time goes on. My dad once told me that it is best to be happily divorced/single than miserably married/committed to a person who is doing more to bring you down rather than everything possible to help you be the best version of yourself. He should also want to do his part to fully satisfy your wants and needs as a human, in my opinion. I was able to realize early on in my sexual life once I got with a woman I truly loved and genuinely wanted to satisfy sexually, it is very possible to have enough control of when I released my orgasm. When I focused more on helping her reach her orgasm it kept me from only thinking about mine, which would cause me to get mine prematurely every time. Do yourself the biggest favor for your happiness and cut your losses or it's only going to get worse for you mentally , emotionally, and physically, in my opinion.

[Keyboardkat]

Let me ask you, just what is in this relationship for you? You haven't said one positive thing about him. Is this really what you want?

A person never changes for someone else. A person only changes if they are motivated from within. He obviously sees no reason to change. You know, when it comes to a marriage or a long-term relationship with someone, you have to assume, as Geraldine used to say (Flip Wilson character), "What you see is what you get." You can't have a relationship with someone if it depends on his changing, because you cannot count on that. So he is what he is, and he is what he will probably be. So it's up to you to decide whether to stay or to go.

[JacobJordan]

One thing he is absolutely right about is things falling into place. His approach isn't right though. You as a person need to be doing things to allow things to fall into place. He is not doing that. That being said you haven't said a single positive thing about him and it is pretty clear he is happy at least for now with how things are. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped and you can't force someone to change. You should leave now as you clearly aren't happy but and this is crucial this is not his fault or your fault. You are 2 different people so lose any formation of bullshit that the "relationship failed because of him" no it failed because you both are 2 very different people that want different things. If you keep that mentality you'll have better success with future relationships than if you keep the victim mentality of it being his fault.

[DarkWinterNights]

It’s an uncomfortable situation and you’re getting increasingly resentful. Think about it like this. Say he does increase his effort… just enough to make things a little better. And you both commit to each-other, move in and have kids and he reverts back to this. What will you do? Do you want to keep trying to salvage this now? Or 5 years from now realize you wasted years of your life waiting for someone to change who had no intention to. It’s not an unfair expectation for someone to put equal effort into the relationship.


I think you know exactly what you need to do.

[SotiCoto]

Get a coin. A reasonably large round coin. Value doesn't really matter.

Assign "Keep trying" to one side and "Dump him" to the other... Flip the coin, ask yourself if you want to go with the coin flip result or not...

[Paul09]

The Newer us right there in front of you. How do you not see it? You are not meant to be together. He was monies all his life, so that's why he is like that. He mostly likely will never change. How on earth do these type of guys even get women, blows my mind.

[boggboss]

End the relationship u are arguing daily because u want to change him to somthing he doesn't want to be u are not happy with him anymore so find someone who u actually want over changing him into that guy

[Danny_dan92]

You love him, but clearly that love is fading like a dying candle.




Give him a deadline to unfuck his financial issues. And hold him to it, if he fails. Leave