Is it normal not to open up too much with a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I'm not making the same mistake again with my current boyfriend. We're approaching 6 months by now and these are things I haven't revealed to him:
- My father (how much his property is worth) and my earnings
- My parents' rocky marriage
- My bullying experience during my early school years or personal life
- My horrible first love experience with a future faker, chronic liar and scammer
- My current visit with the psychologist (guiding me how to distinguish future fakers with a man that gives commitment)

I've opened up too much with my past ex boyfriend, thinking we would settle down and have kids. I've invested time, energy and dedication... gave in too much for NOTHING. All that just to end up in a break-up and not progress.

Is it normal to be reluctant in providing too much information?

Updates

+1 y

I've opened up too much with the liar that I had to end up blocking him in the end.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

I can see why you would.

I don't know if it's "normal" - your situation is unique to you, and I think your reaction is pretty natural.

Personally, other than the finance bits (get a prenup whatever you do and definitely dump anyone who gives "in this for the money" vibes), I'd be open about most things.

I'd rather know up front if the person's going to have issues with me. Being open up front forces that into light. Then I can break up and move on quickly.

[Asker]

Unlike last time, once I know there is a future with him (through actions and now ''you're the love of my life, my beautiful wife'' lovebombing BS) then I'll start opening up slowly. I'm not giving out financial information, off course not.

[Jessica405]

You have two choices. Both open up or both stay quiet. In the first case, you get to know each other's needs, hopes, foibles, fetishes etc. You will know quickly if you are suited.

The other way means you could spend an inordinate amount of time with a guy without really knowing him. At the end of it all, you may find he's not for you. He, and you, will have wasted that time.

For me, my guy and I spend the whole day talking when we first met. We knew by the end of that day we were right for each other. No time wasted. Moved in with him after 4 weeks. Still together after getting on for 6 years.

Choice is yours. Something mid way, perhaps?

[Asker]

We've decided to do the waiting till marriage strategy. I'm not moving in with no one I'm not at least engaged to. I just want to be sure my time isn't wasted and if I really see a future with him (being someone's eternal, childless girlfriend isn't what I call a future), then I'll slowly open up a bit more.

[Jessica405]

I hope it works for you. I wish you well! 😊😊

[spartan55]

I don't how you can expect a guy to be in a serious relationship without being vulnerable?

[Asker]

The psychologist advised me it's better that I'm reserved and don't be the one to fall heads over heels for him first... instead let the opposite take place (he falls for me and not me falling for him)... that way I can protect myself from disappointment and if a break-up happens I won't be hurt too much.

[Asker]

I'm reserved because I don't want to yield too much and not get commitment in return. I don't want another dead-end relationship leading nowhere but a break-up.

[spartan55]

I have to say that is some lousy advice.

[Asker]

I've already made the mistake of the ''falling in love'' and going crazy over a man (it got to the point I once called him my family), all the passion and everything... all for nothing. What's the point of me showing vulnerability and lowering my guard if he's just a boyfriend at the moment? He isn't my family.

[spartan55]

Why can't there be a happy medium? That's a pretty common approach.

[Asker]

What do you suppose would be a middle ground? That both of us open up to each other?

[spartan55]

That's typically how it works. Your logic and your idea of protecting yourself from being hurt is flawed.

[zeitgeist057]

This is why guys often don't want to date older women who have been traumatized. I'm not saying it's wrong, she needs to take care of herself and feel safe. But it's also correct that fewer people are going to be interested in dating someone who is hiding parts of themselves away and not able to commit to the relationship, being open, honest, and vulnerable. It's best to be clear and not be in a serious relationship, just be casual until able to be emotionally available for someone who wants the whole enchilada.

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057
We were once younger women full of aspirations, dreams, goals, etc. Imagine someone taking away from you what you wanted the most and destroying your happiness... then realizing you have limited time and once in a while having nightmares about it (even my mother had a horrible dream about that future faker... in her dream he had an evil laughter); to my worst bad luck ever... my first experience had to be with a cruel legitimate narcissistic-sociopath; one of the worst people I've ever met in my life whom I've opened up too much.

[Asker]

Even more chilling... we once spoke about the subject of evil people, of narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths and unaware... there he was the whole entire time, for years.

[zeitgeist057]

I'm really sorry you had that experience, it's not unique unfortunately these people are all around us and not easy to spot. The ones who are the most charming and attractive can also be the most manipulative and deceitful. I wish you the best of luck in healing and finding someone genuine who you can build a life together, that you both wish for.

[Asker]

@zeitgeist057
I guess if it helps a little, while he's aging badly by now (after all he lied about being 22 when I met him... he was really 30-32 at the time), I've been confused for a woman in my 20's. He can't pull the trick of looking younger anymore. Before blocking him, my family members and others were suspecting his real age... they were all saying he looks older, fatter and with hidden wrinkles. In addition, he has health issues. His sugar levels are high, he has high cholesterol and triglycerides meanwhile I'm healthy. I don't know if that's karma for him but yeah in health and aging, it's not good on him.
Thank you. I'm trying to give my new relationship a chance. I haven't given up hope yet.

[Wise4myage]

Yes, I think its fine till you get to know the other person.

[Asker]

I'll open up more when I know for sure there is a future and actually see it through actions, not words. I don't go by words anymore.

[Wise4myage]

Good plan.

[spartan55]

@asker
So wait for him to show actions, a future, etc. and he does. You know he break up after that anyway. It's far from foolproof.

[SeekingVirginWife]

Most women do not open up because they cannot handle the truth. They think they are always right. It is important have constructive criticism. Transparency is important in relationships.

Also virginity saving oneself for marriage is the most important in defining a successful marriage. Always let your partner know what you are seeking.

[Asker]

Well neither of us are virgins (he would be my 2nd) but we decided to still save it till marriage. Neither of us are religious either nor care about church. I was straight forward in the first couple months that I'm dating to get married and start a family... and don't want my time wasted.

No way I'm going to tell him that I was bullied in my school years nor sad stories. Why would he need to know those things?