How do I get my boyfriend to open up more emotionally so that I also feel more secure?

[Loveleigh]

We've been in a relationship for about 6 months and I adore him. He is loyal, honest, and for the first time, I don't feel like I am settling. We have events planned in the future and he talks about how I make him feel good about himself.

The problem is that I've noticed that he isn't big on emotion and I am quite the opposite. I'm sure a lot has to do with his job; he is an attorney and that field does not allow you to express emotion. He also hasn't really been in a relationship in a really long time. I feel like he avoids emotionally charged conversations.

The lack of verbal reciprocity weighs on me and lately, I've been feeling insecure. We have worked through some other things where I learned he does care and he's explained he just shows it different.

I don't know how to tell him that I wish he would flirt and compliment me more and tell me exactly how he feels and that maybe that would stop me from feeling protective of my abandonment wounds without him feeling attacked.

I know we have a huge potential but our communication styles have to learn to meet in the middle.

[JoePro_]

Woo! That's a tough one, and I don't think his job has anything to do with his personality type. Although his personality type might help with his job to be sure. Men are naturally less emotional, and we tend to express things in terms that are more logical. (Caveat, most is not all, some men are more in touch with how they feel and are capable of expressing it, but many aren't.)

I think this is a situation where you're going to have to find middle ground. I don't think you're going to get everything you want from him, period. And really, your emotional needs and insecurities shouldn't have to fall on him. They have to do with how you view yourself, not how he views you.

With that said, you might consider counseling or therapy. You need help and structure for building better self-confidence.

On the other hand, if he does care about you and you want to know that a little more, I would pick one thing that would help him better express that for you, and discuss it with him.

Let him know something like this: "I'm sure you probably know that I have some insecurities, and abandonment issues. I know you can't help me solve all those feelings. And because of that, I've decided to seek counseling. However, while I logically know that you care about me, I want to ask if you can do one thing for me, daily, which might help me feel a little more confident in that fact. I'd like for you to find something to compliment me about / or I'd like for you to give me at least one intentional hug and a kiss each day and directly tell me that you care about me. This would help me feel more confident about our relationship, while I'm also doing things to work on myself."

Any reasonable guy would be willing to change one aspect of his daily routine, or how he talks to you, or how he (otherwise) affects you to be sure that you know he cares, and I don't see any reason why your guy wouldn't want to do something like this for you, SO LONG as you're also really going to get counseling to work on your self-esteem. Because he's not going to do it all for you.

That's my best advice. I hope the best for you!

[NathanDavis]

unfortunately... he is what he is

and it's very unlikely to change... and if you haven't inspired that adjustment in him, even less likely to happen

everything else to be tried, it will feel forced on him and on you

so, the best thing you can do right now is to be open and clear with him about this... and the rest is his choice, not yours... what is he going to do -or won't do- about it

[Anonymous]

"He explained he just shows it differently" how about trying to understand men better instead of trying to force him to act like a woman. Men speak with their actions. Sounds like he's a good guy who treats you well. Don't sabotage your relationship by trying to "fix" him.

[KrakenAttackin]

Just stop. The last thing you want is emotions from your boyfriend, unless they are emotions that are approved by you. Leave the poor guy alone.

[jahaims]

You shouldn't rely on others to feel secure. That comes from internal work. He will open up when he trusts you.