In a new relationship, is it normal for a couple to be with each other 24/7?

[Anonymous]

My friend/housemate has a new girlfriend, and we are all worried because she has asked him to cut off his friends for her and choose between us and her. They started dating two months ago, but she is ALWAYS round at his (our) house, and gets angry if he spends time with us. They are together 24/7 and we have tried to talk to him about it because we miss him, but she talks "for" him. We never see our friend anymore because she doesn't want us around. Is this normal, and if it's not what should we do?

Updates

+1 y

Hi all, apparently also she hit him a couple times and he hit her back? I don’t know I wasn’t around in the house at that time, but apparently they get into physical fights as well. I’m just concerned for my friend, I think his girlfriend is crazy

Updates

+1 y

I appreciate all your advice. We got his best friend out of all of us to talk to him, but the girlfriend has kinda turned him against his best friend by making him choose and saying “what a horrible person his best friend is”.

I think she’s the horrible person. I just don’t know how to make my friend see it. He’s besotted by her for some reason.

[SteveSmith1985]

Wow... this is super not normal. It is normal for a new couple to be around each other 24/7.

It is NOT AT ALL normal for a girlfriend to try and separate their boyfriend from his friends. That is a classic hallmark of an abusive relationship. The fact that she openly gets angry when he tries to spend time with his friends... obviously this girl is so far from understanding apropriate boundaries that she is being abusive in such an open and obvious way... that she doesn't even seem to understand that it's not acceptable.

She talks "for" him? Are you fucking kidding me. It's like almost a (thoroughly unfunny) cartoon of a guy in an abusive relationship.

Let me ask you this: Reverse the genders here. Imagine your FEMALE friend's new boyfriend was acting this way!! I think you would right-away see that your friend is in an abusive relationship. What must be throwing you off is the fact that your friend is a dude.

But this is like... literally 'textbook' abusive relationship shit. Like... again, to the point that it's almost cartoonish.

What you should do about it, is a fair bit more complicated. First, do a bit of research on abusive relationships to familiarize yourself with some of the (incredible...) mental bullshit that take over someone's thinking. It's... pretty frustrating to try and wade through to save your friend, and there's no 'one-size-fits-all' solution.

But it sounds like there's a few of you who are concerned. Work together. What you're trying to do is going to be more difficult, and frustrating than you know.

Your friend will have all sorts of 'twisted thinking' (that you don't even recognize as the same guy). He will use ALLLLLL kinds of mental gymnastics to tell you all to but-out, that he's fine, that you all don't understand and blah blah blah blah. It will be like being in the worst episode of the Twilight Zone you can imagine, as you think "who the fuck ARE you, and what happened to the person I knew such a short time ago". It's frustrating. But... don't get so frustrated you give up on your friend. He needs you (even if he tells you all to fuck-right-off and mind your own business).

Good luck. 🙂

[Asker]

Thank you so much. You’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head, we don’t recognise our friend anymore and I do think she’s abusive, apparently she’s physically violent as well. We tried to get his best friend to talk to him but even he couldn’t get him to see the relationship for what it really is. It just feels hopeless right now and we miss him. And thank you, we will not give up on him. We will keep trying.

I think she’s just extremely manipulative and has managed to turn him against us.

[SteveSmith1985]

She IS extremely manipulative. But (as you see) it's... even more than that. You really need to educate YOURSELF, and see what resources are available to you. It's hard enough to get someone out of this. Go in armed with as much information as you can. Look into "abusive relationships" and how to help people. There are lots out there (almost too much). It's not like dealing with any other situation you've ever dealt with. It's not like dealing with ANYONE you've ever had to deal with (your friend... under this woman's spell). But yes, don't give up🙂

[SteveSmith1985]

I just wanted to say... the friend you knew (who seems to have dissappeared) DOES come back once you get him to escape this woman. Like... he isn't gone, or changed permanently... IF he gets out of the abusive relationship (mentally too). It's remarkable how someone can "bounce back" and "come to see the abusive situation the same way you all see it". But it's getting the person there, that's the whole war.

[JustinTheGreat]

Without reading the details, I would say it is common for new couples to want to spend all their time with each other.
But your friends girlfriend sounds super controlling and I would keep an eye out for any other red flags

[Asker]

Thanks, I agree I think she’s trouble.

[Biancam13]

Umm, what? This is not normal, nor does it sound like a healthy relationship. The girlfriend sounds toxic, look up narcissism it sounds like she could have some traits. I would talk to your friend about this, because a healthy relationship shouldn't require that you cut off all your friends for your new partner. Nor should your partner be this controlling. Also, at the start of a relationship it is weird that she has moved in with you guys.

Talk to your friend, but don't criticise his girlfriend because he may be under her spell and it will backfire. Just say that you all miss him and say you are worried/concerned about him and you value your friendship. Try to make him see the truth.

[Asker]

Thanks, I don’t really know what to say to him to get him to see sense? You’re right, he is under her spell. I think she’s abusive and yes, toxic. I just want our friend back.

[Blackcosmo]

This is certainly not normal. She sounds like a very controlling person and she is manipulating him. He has the right to have a life outside of her. This relationship is not healthy and I hope things somehow work out.

[Blackcosmo]

Yes this is isn't a good relationship. He needs to get out of it and you should convince him. If you can't do anything and you are sure she's being abusive then you should call the police.

[Blackcosmo]

She's toxic and something needs to be done.

[Asker]

Thank you. I totally agree I think we need to intervene but he’s always taking her side for some reason. I think he’ll probably choose her over his friends but we are worried about him.

[Blackcosmo]

Your welcome. The controlled partner always listens to the abuser because she's manipulating his emotions and making him think what they're doing is normal. If you know it's getting physical you can call the police.

[Asker]

Apparently the police came round when they had a physical fight and our friend spent the night in jail because he hit her back... Even though she started it. And she was telling everyone "he might off himself in prison because he loves her so much." She is so horrible. He needs to get rid of her. And totally, he is being manipulated and lied to.

[Blackcosmo]

Oh so now she's making him take the blame? Maybe the'll realize what a red flag this is that she really doesn't want what's best for him because she put him in jail even though she started it. Maybe then he'll come to his senses.

[Asker]

I really hope he comes to his senses! Thank you so much. x

[Blackcosmo]

I hope he does too and no problem!

[Blackcosmo]

Thanks for the MHO!

[IJhonnyI]

See she's clearly controlling and doesn't even know how too be on a straight path, from what it seems she chooses something she wants him too do and then half way in regrets her choice yep that man should disappear no offense to your friend

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s not normal for her to require him to have no friends. You should talk to him and express how you miss hanging out. Also suggest he needs to balance the relationship with the rest of his life

[BarryLiverstone]

by the way do you have romantic feelings for your friend or are you just worried his girlfriend is being possessive?

[Asker]

What? Ahaha no absolutely not, he’s a brother to me. I just want my friend back

[BarryLiverstone]

Well trust that your friend will see how toxic she is now that the bestie has spoken to him. No need to pester him anymore. He will soon decide she isn’t worth it if she keeps up the abuse yk

[slatyb]

No, she's crazy controlling. He needs to end that fast.

[Twalli]

It's normal to want to be with them a lot, but it sounds like she's a bit too controlling