I recently found out My Now Wife was a human trafficking and torture victim? what should I do? Especially Since therapy isn't working?

[Kacey811980]

[caring__1]

The best type of therapist for her would probably be a trauma therapist, who specializes in early childhood trauma rather than adult PTSD trauma.

Just be a supportive partner. Don't push her to talk about anything she's not ready to talk about, but prioritize making sure she always feels safe. Never deny or minimize or criticize whatever feelings she shares. Don't make unilateral decisions. Discuss and decide together whenever she might be impacted by the decision. Be patient and consistent, and she'll appreciate your partnership.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 agreed

[caring__1]

Look for the most qualified therapist rather than the nearest one, and make sure the choice is hers, not yours. You can provide her with research, but the decision needs to be hers.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 that is what im doing right now, plus I am moving to Hawaii next year I got a house that is being built basically a retirement house started couple years ago and my wife loves the beach and Hawaii so im hoping a new environment she loves will help

[caring__1]

Just make sure all decisions are joint decisions, showing consideration for each, and you'll probably have a great life together.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 I do and I did ask her about all this and she loves the idea. I always ask her about every decision even before we got married cause its her marriage as well as mine and I want her to be happy

[caring__1]

Often, people will say, "This is what I think, what do you think?" That often leaves the other person thinking it is just best to go along with what the other said, to avoid conflict.

Let's say you're planning a vacation. It's easy for people to ask, "What do you think of visiting Australia?" Never start with the solution. Start by saying, "Let's talk about what a vacation means to each of us. Let's make a list of all the important aspects." Once you have the list, you can say "What are places that might meet the most of our important aspects?" You can also discuss a theme for the trip, which makes it easier to measure progress. Once you have the list of locations, discuss the pros and cons of each. Only after doing all these steps do the two of you want to actually pick a location.

Living in Hawaii can be a beautiful fantasy, but it can also be filled with significant challenges. How comfortable are the two of you when it comes to dealing with weather extremes or the high cost of living?

I live in California, and I hear many people wanting to move to the south or southeast, as they want to get away from the heat and earthquakes. I personally prefer earthquakes to high humidity, hurricanes and tornadoes and other major storms. With an earthquake, by the time you know it's there, it is already over. I would hate the anticipation of a storm approaching, not knowing if or when or to what degree it will hit. When my son arrived in Florida for college, he told me he experienced real rain for the first time in his life.

[caring__1]

I thought living in Santa Monica was a great idea while I was attending college, though I found it very annoying that I couldn't dry off after a shower, due to the humidity. I live in the country, and there are a lot of city people who fantasize about living on a farm or ranch. Very few of these city people last more than a couple of years, as they're not prepared for the extra challenges of living in the country.

Just do your research and be prepared.

[Kacey811980]

yeah I agree and we did discuss it at length and she is happy with moving their. I asked her about the weather challenges and she said that is risky anywhere now days and I even said you know if its not something you want, want to stay or we move someplace of your choosing and she said no i always loved Hawaii as well. I have a trust fund and I saved a whole lot of money while I been working and I earn a pretty handsome salary every year

[caring__1]

It appears you're doing a great job of being a partner. I hope the love between the two of you continues to flourish, and that no challenge either of you faces will shake your foundation of love.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 well I do love her more than life and as far as I am concerned that will never happen, and if I can get through this I can get through anything. by the way the house I am having built can withstand a Class 4 Hurricane

[caring__1]

Hopefully, it's not by the coast. Tsunamis are no fun. When I built my home, I also upgraded a lot. I built it on bedrock, shear-walled the entire home and installed many other features that drove the building inspector crazy. he kept telling me he had never heard of any of these things I wanted to do, so he wasn't sure he could allow it. He did make me compromise in certain areas, but I snuck in a lot of the rejected ideas behind his back and after I got my certificate of occupancy. I've never had a problem with any of the changes I made after the fact.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 yeah its not on the cost and I did the same thing did a lot of research and its finally getting there though. I did show my wife the plans and the layout and everything and she was like omg the perfect home I always dreamed of.

[caring__1]

If you want to run any construction ideas or challenges by me, feel free to do so. Often, salespeople and trades people talk us into things that line their pockets but aren't in our best interest.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 I will do that and believe me I know that too, but I have the ability to say no plus I looked at every option before I even decided to have it built. I tell them this im paying you to do a job and this is the way I want it done period, I also probably will check on the progress while on vacation

[caring__1]

It seemed like every time I hired a contractor to help out, I ended up babysitting him. For instance, putting all the windows in by myself didn't make sense, so I hired a contractor and his crew. I assigned the contractor to installing the French doors, while I supervised his crew. When I came back a little later, I discovered he flushed the doors to the outside of the 2X6 studs. He didn't realize the doors would hit the wall as they opened inward. He tore it out and attempted to do it again. This time he flushed it to the inside of the 2X6 studs. I asked him, "Haven't you ever heard of drywall?" My landlord at my office was talked into installing a heat pump in my office when the forced air unit reached the end of its life. The heat exchange is on top of the building, and the roof reflects and radiates heat. The unit doesn't cool down my office very effectively, and I run it non-stop 24/7. The best place for a heat pump heat exchange is underground... where the temperature remains fairly constant year round. If you haven't installed your flooring, yet, consider this: www.flooret.com/vinyl-plank-modin-collection/ It reduces your upkeep and lasts beautifully.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 oh wow I can imagine the frustration for sure and yes I have already installed the flooring and have put the heat pump underground cause I did a lot of research. defiantly has quite a few French doors too

[caring__1]

Congratulations on doing research rather than just making impulsive decisions. Enjoy your new home.

[Kacey811980]

@caring__1 I will once its finished next year. it will be a nice change bring on the sunny weather pools and fun.

[TheMajesticKing777]

Support her any way she can and make sure she understands that her circumstances don't make her any less valuable and important and that you care about her for the way she is and who she is

[Kacey811980]

@themajesticking777 I always do that she means the world to me I tell her that everyday.

[TheMajesticKing777]

Well with enough of your support she will eventually heal in a way it won't effect her the way it does now, personally I believe she couldn't be with anyone better, she seems to be in good hands, weither you believe it or not, you are her therapy, we both know it doesn't heal in a day or a week, time heals all wounds

[Kacey811980]

@themajesticking777 I agree but it never goes away you just find ways to live with it and make it tolerable and aww thank you im doing my best. I working on getting her in with a therapist who specializes in human trafficking and torture because traditional therapy is not working.

[TheMajesticKing777]

It heals but even wounds leave scars, it's never the same but it stops hurting, its an emotional wound and with time and acceptance I believe it can heal, I guess the perfessional therapy is a good start, I hope she feels better and I wish her the best in her healing process, your job is to be that supportive stand she can lean on 💯

[Kacey811980]

@themajesticking777 I absolutely agree and I am and will continue to that, me too I wish i could just wipe it all away but I can't and the other thing is she recently stopped eating so I got to do something aww thank you so much I will tell her. 😍

[TheMajesticKing777]

She shouldn't see herself as a victim and more of a survivor, there's many women that have went through the same and unfortunately not all of them were gifted to get out of it alive, she did which means her purpose in life is still waiting for her, you know the saying, what doesn't kill her makes her stronger, she can't achieve her life goals and complete her destiny if she doesn't give her body nutrition and eat, Let's not mention she still has to figure out her destiny, the things that happen to us build to our character and she's gonna be one badass chick

[Kacey811980]

@themajesticking777 I have told her that too multiple times, and the worst part of it we found out just a few days ago that one of her older sisters is dead and they have determined it was human trafficking related homicide. the worst part of all this that her father is the one who was behind this ring and took a large part in her abuse. yeah she has a lot to live for too

[TheMajesticKing777]

Unfortunately we can't change the past, she can't see it now but as time goes by she will see the good things in life, can't blame her cause when bad things happen, it's all that goes through your mind but I'm routing for y'all, my best advice now would be finding distractions y'all can do together, they can be pain killers, the mind can only focus on so much, enough distractions should somewhat numb the pain for while

[Kacey811980]

@themajesticking777 yeah I agree Im actually wanting to take to her Hawaii for vacation. she loves the beach and ocean, and pools

[TheMajesticKing777]

Sounds like a good idea

[Emiliamazing]

You have to keep bring the wife she needs and loves. Finding the right support group or counselor would be beneficial

[Kacey811980]

@emiliamazing I am working on that as we speak im looking into the nearest one and I want to get her in immediately. something needs to be done

[vald9inches]

Awwwww i am so sorry to hear that beautiful! 💔💔💔 That really breaks my heart to gear that... Just be patient and supportive and understanding as much as you can be the only thing that can heal that is time and love

[Kacey811980]

@vald9inches its not your fault and appreciate it breaks my heart for her too, and Im doing what I can.

[vald9inches]

Is there anything you know about her experience or did she not say very much?

[Kacey811980]

@vald9inches at first not much but then she told me everything in stages its hard for her to talk about too. the worst part is she has three sisters one younger and two older, we just found out a few days ago that one of the older sisters is dead as a result.

[ArtemisSilver]

Have her try magic mushrooms in a safe environment. The mystical experience helps with trauma.

[Kacey811980]

@artemissilver that is a great idea I will give that a shot thank you so much 😍

[ArtemisSilver]

No problem 👍 good luck in your journey

[Kacey811980]

@artemissilver yes I let you know if it works.

[ArtemisSilver]

Please do, and read up a bit first before hand so you don't overdo it. Cheers

[Andres77]

If there is a human trafficking rescue organization around you see if they have aftercare counseling

[Kacey811980]

@Andres77 I will do that. cause regular therapy isn't working.

[Andres77]

That’s what they specialize in and they know the horrors involved and can guide the sessions with more efficiency

[Andres77]

Good luck, dear

[Kacey811980]

@Andres77 yeah im going check for the nearest one and get her in immediately

[Godsvengeance]

That's terrible to hear. How long ago did this happen to her? What country do you two live in? Was it someone she knew or a stranger?

[Kacey811980]

@godsvengeance well she was actually born into it along with her three sisters, one of which we learned is deceased just a few days ago as a result, in the united states, and this whole thing was perpetuated by her own father

[OddBeMe]

I’d be more worried she didn't tell you before now. How’d you find out?

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe well its not an easy thing to talk about Im not sure I could either not exactly dinner conservation. I found out when one of her older sisters turned up dead

[OddBeMe]

Um, what? Were both sisters trafficked?

I do agree itd be hard to tell people. What she needs is just a shoulder to lean on without a lot of judgement. Not saying you would.

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe actually three sisters both older sisters where the youngest one got wise to it and was able to get out before that happened, and I do I cuddle her every day and night. yeah no judgement I hate being judged so thats why I dont do that to other people

[OddBeMe]

Sounds like your good. Are you having issues about whats she's been through? Sometimes spouses of rape victims have trouble seeing them as sexual.

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe well I dont have problems having sex with her, actually she is extremely sexual i mean we fuck everyday. and I do love her. what bothers me the most is I didn't know her then and couldnt stop it

[OddBeMe]

Yeah, i dont know her at all and I’m mad I couldnt stop it. But seriously, what she needs most is just complete and utter understanding. Almost like a yes man. At least until some time passes. Her sister dying is probably bringing up a lot to the surface.

She prob has ptsd. Has she tried other therapists? Its like dating, finding a therapist that can help you.

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe I dont blame you and I agree a lot of times cuddling her in the bed i dont want to get up and go to work or anything, and yeah I would say what happened to her sister is eating her alive in fact I know it is, and there is no question in my mind this is ptsd and true finding specialist is difficult your right

[OddBeMe]

I can personally vouch for a good therapist. And it seems like she’s going through a-lot right now. Its alwys tough to know when to talk or when to cuddle. But you sound like you're doing perfectly.

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe ok yeah she is going through a lot believe no one has any idea. I dont know about perfect but im doing everything I know to do how I would wanna be treated if I was in the same situation. lot of times when she is awake she just gets the urge to cry and she dosent stop when that happens either. which I probably would too

[OddBeMe]

People have wildly different reactions to grief, stress and prsd or what have you.

I make tons of dumb jokes, in order to not feel anything. My mother likes screaming. My wife likes sex. :)

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe true and my wife is defiantly a sex manic I think that is how she deals with it, but also another way she has started dealing with it is by not eating and that has me very concerned

[OddBeMe]

Well give her what she wants.

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe of course I never deprive her of sex when she wants I give it to her and let her do what she wants to me sexually. I just hope she will start to eat again soon. but I understand why, but im worried about living without her

[OddBeMe]

Umm she's stopped eating?

[Kacey811980]

@OddBeMe yeah a couple days ago. I try to encourage her make her feel good I even went out today and got her favorite ice cream but she wouldn't even touch it. I think its extreme grief probably

[Zolly99999]

Help her in any way you can

[Kacey811980]

@Zolly99999 that is what im trying to do but it seems like nothing helps, I got her in counseling but its not helping and recently she has stopped eating at all. that concerns me a great deal

[Zolly99999]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I'm not sure what to tell you as I don't have any experience in this. . I wish you the best of luck

[Kacey811980]

@Zolly99999 its ok its a difficult situation, I dont know maybe if i take her to hawaii for a couple weeks she loves the beach. maybe that would help

[Zolly99999]

I hope so. I wish you the best

[Kacey811980]

@Zolly99999 yeah I am actually having a house built their and im hoping it will be all set by this time next year.

[Zolly99999]

OK that's cool. . good for you

[Kacey811980]

@Zolly99999 yeah I am also having a house built their, with a spa indoor pool and outside pool near the beach on some land i purchased years ago. hoping to have it up and running by July 1st next year

[Zolly99999]

@kacey811980 that is really awesome. I hope everything goes as planned for you. You will be living the dream.

[Kacey811980]

@Zolly99999 me too actually am building a house there to live there permeantly next year