How can me and my partner heal our abusive marriage?

[Anonymous]

I am of the opinion that marriages should be worked on and salvaged at all costs where possible. Of course there are circumstances that would make a marital relationship too far gone and I don’t judge one bit. However, I think where 2 people are willing to put in every effort to change and grow for the better, Gods grace is sufficient even in a marriage.

My husband and I started out our marriage pretty rocky. Financial hardship lead us to be virtually forced to move across the country and I was diagnosed with a hormonal disorder that comes with a lot of difficult symptoms like mood swings and fatigue.

We used to fight a lot but we have come very far and rarely do anymore. However when we do fight it can still sometimes get pretty gnarly and I am trying to figure out what I can do to break the cycle and change my behavior.

I grew up with an abusive father and me and my 4 siblings pretty much always resolved our disagreements with a fist fight. So I’m trying to break some generational trauma here.

A couple of times in a fight when my husband starts berating me, cussing me out, and calling me names I have slapped him. I am not proud of it. And he in return has never hesitated to grab me, push me, or throw me down on the bed, or wind up like he may hit me (he hasn’t). He has expressed his boundary that he won’t tolerate me putting my hands on him. And I don’t disagree. However, he always seems to justify his physical acts toward me and there is no changing his mind. Because of that I keep running into hurdles trying to change my mindset and not justify my offenses because I know I have been wrong.

What are the best resources so I can quit this bad behavior? Because even if I can’t save this marriage after all I, still have to be better.

[SueShe]

There is only one path for you and your husband and that is couple therapy to try to find the root of your problem. You pretty much indicated what your reasons are for being the way you are but you did not tell us the history behind your husband's behavior. It is none of our business to know his story as well.

In most of the cases, it takes two for a situation to degenerate the way it sometimes does and both need to want to save that marriage, not only one because if only one partner does the effort, this partner is going to tire out very quickly and have to make concessions just for the sake to keep the marriage alive.

Prepare a list of issues both of you have and next to each issue, bring up a solution you think may work. Ask your husband to do a similar list, independent from yours and again, ask him to bring a solution.

Next, you sit together and go over both lists trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both. The important thing is not to be angry or to accuse the other. If it fails, then you will have no other option than to seek professional help. Good luck.

[Nikki1989]

Abuse is never acceptable, regardless what some disturbed people on here might say.

People on here make me sick sometimes.

[OlofssonBengtsson]

A lot of women love abusive men look at Alec Murdaugh, P Diddy. Harvey Weinstein , women love those types of men because they have money and they keep things exciting. Just be happy he is only abusing you and keeping things interesting it's better than the boring life for you.

[Flower7]

This marriage can’t be saved. Try to find someone who doesn’t provoke you so much and isn’t so difficult to get along with.

[slatyb]

You need professional help.