What makes a man so scared of commitment?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I had been dating for six months. We fell in love and said "I love you" a lot. Then out of nowhere he told me that he's afraid of commitment and broke up with me. He still tried to be my friend after the break up. What makes a man so scared of commitment, and what can ease/take away that fear?

[thetheme]

Don't take this the wrong way. It's not that guys are scared of commitment, the guy just doesn't want to commit to that person. Guys and girls push away good people for many reasons (excuses). Some get serious too "quickly", some try to force a committed relationship on the other, some are not really happy with themselves and are just looking for fun with someone to not feel lonely and pass time, some are really waiting for someone else to be with. Stuff like that.

Sometimes for a man to commit to you, you have to do some of the most contradicting things. Like not talking about serious things often (marriage, kids). When guys and girls do that it seems a little desperate, like "hurry up, what are we waiting for, we have to do this before it's too late" kind of thing. Being clingy is a turn off. Have you ever had a man chase you so much it got annoying even though he was a good guy? Believe me when I say that guys do this crap too.

When a guy is comfortable with who he is around you, when everything is fun, when he is sexually pleased, and he isn't forced to change MOST guys aren't going anywhere. Some people just want to have fun for the time being so they have no regrets. Some people look at what they are "missing" by living the single life, but when they don't have options from the single life they want to find someone.

There are people that either can't get over the past namely the ex (comparison to an ex is not right), figure that they are still too young, listen to negative advice from others, or feel that the "honeymoon stage" of the relationship is over. Even though there is love, there was something else that was "missing" and they went out of the relationship to find it. It sucks, but many people are like this.

You are going to have to let him go and find someone else to make him realize what he had then gone. That is what usually wakes guys up. You don't want to be "friends", just move on and stop all communication. Putting your life on hold with no guarantees just hurts you in the long run by passing other things/people by that would be great for you. Sometimes there are people that just pass up a good thing, and that may be the case here.

[Asker]

I definitely wasn't trying to push the relationship. It was him. He would start discussions about out our future (marriage, kids, etc.), not me. We had a really happy relationship. We laughed and always had the best time together. We didn't have sex because I'm waiting for marriage, but that's not to say that we didn't do some things as far as intimacy goes. He definitely had what an ex did on his mind because of how badly she hurt him, but I'm nothing like her and never hurt him. Moving on...

[Asker]

...is what I need to do, I guess. I love him, though. I have never dreamed of a future with anyone before, but I did with him...because he allowed me to. He always talked about us getting married, so I started thinking about it. I want him, but I know I can't make his decisions for him. I just wish he'd stop and realize what he had with me. I was great to him. So, you still think I should just move on?

[thetheme]

In my opinion moving on is the best option. Maybe he will realize he wants you by missing you. Don't expect him to come back, don't chase him, and just be a great woman without him. There are many men out there that are looking for a commitment but are never given the chance, and he can be right in front of you...

[sumina7]

Actually if you make it seem like commitment is a heavy burden and life will become unbearable with that, anyone will get scared. If he felt that commitment will actually make things better and life will become more enjoyable and you will lighten his burden, then he will happily commit.

[Asker]

I never made it seem like such a huge deal. He always talked about how he wanted to marry me and have kids with me. I never started those conversations, he did. Then he just took off and decided that commitment scared him. I was always sweet to him, and we had fun. Any ideas on what happened? How do I help him get over it, or is there nothing I can do?

[sumina7]

He is the only one who knows what happened. No one else can figure it out except, may be, a psychiatrist in a counselling session. If he is not communicating, assume that he may have his own reasons, but he has been unfair to you by not telling you the truth.

[Anonymous]

because these days men are not taught and expected to be responsible. They want to have fun and experience it all. But seriously, after having so many partners, we really expect them to stay committed to 1? Isn`t that hard and unrealistic ? Men respond to the ways of what is expected of them. How come men back in the days were so confident in approaching but yet were not afraid of commitment? Because women wanted and expected commitment before the relationship began. Now...

Also...

People in gen. are becoming too self indulging. They spend most of their lifetime dating , looking for the 1. what they don`t know is to compromise. Plus. it seems like people don`t let themselves feel vulnerable and don`t want to get hurt.

[MrWrong]

They might be afraid that you're using them just to get children, and that you'll turn into a soccer mom who puts her kids before her paycheck. I mean husband.

[Asker]

Haha. Yeah, I totally get that. What if the girl hasn't given any indication that she'll be like that, though? We had a light and fun relationship before he just took off. Are there any other reasons? Or is there a way to help him get rid of that fear?

[MrWrong]

Men tend to fear that if the woman says "I love you" too soon, a timeline that varies from man to man. I'm not sure how a woman could go about dispelling that fear without straight up lying. If you mention kids too much (for some guys, at all), they might start worrying, too.

[Asker]

That all makes sense. It's confusing, though, because he was the one to start all of the "future" talks. I know that guys freak out about that stuff, so I don't start those talks. He would always say stuff like, "WHEN we get married..." or "Our kids will..." Plus he always said I love you first. Even since we've been apart he says that he loves me, needs me, and doesn't want to lose me. So, it's not that I was pushing him at all. I don't get what his deal is. He says that stuff then just leaves.

[Quadrophonic84]

Usually it's what other psych f*cking women have done to us in the past. Time smooths a lot over but a guy doesn't forget.

[Asker]

Yeah, I definitely understand that. He actually talked about one of his exes and the crap she did to him a lot, but I'm not like that. I've always been very sweet and loving to him, so I don't get it. We were good together. Things were great, but then he just took off and gave me this commitment phobia talk. I do think he was trying to get out before he could get hurt again, but I wasn't going to hurt him. Ideas on how to calm his fear?

[Quadrophonic84]

My advice is to focus on yourself.

[actricalian]

Crazy women. They hide it too well.

[Asker]

Haha. That's understandable. What if the girl is great, though? What if she is beautiful, sweet, smart, and funny? Why run away from that? I know for a fact that I'm the best girl he's ever dated, so his disappearing act is very confusing. I love him and have always been good to him.