Issue with my boyfriend of 8 years. advice?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend & I have been dating for 8 years. We are in our mid 20’s. I’m almost done with college and so is he. He plans on purchasing a house but always speaks about his parents living in it as well. Personally, I disagree with this because I feel like newly weds should have privacy and be able to enjoy a new home / beginning alone. He says it will only be temporary until his parents retire in 3-5 years and leave to their home country, he also says he doesn’t want them to live in his aunts house. I still disagree because I firmly believe we should have our own space and privacy before we have kids. I’m aware that once you have kids you barely get any alone time.. who’s in the wrong? Me or him? He says I’m being selfish and making him choose between his parents and I.

Updates

1 y

I don’t need you to agree with me. I don’t gain anything with that, no offense. He plans on purchasing a house. That is all I said and from there you implied it was going to be under his name only. We always talked about getting it under both our names and getting married.

Updates

1 y

See that’s the thing, it sounds like I have it all.. but there’s more to it that I wish I can get into but I know what you or anyone else would tell me if I spoke about it..

[kylee2437]

If he plans on purchasing a house and it’s in his name, he has all rights to what the rules are and such. If you don’t like it, you can find your own space and live there until they move out and you two can start a life together afterwards.

[Asker]

Girl.. the plan is for us to get married and have OUR home

[Asker]

You didn’t have to be rude about it either…

[kylee2437]

No one here is being rude, I am giving you advice here. Marrying a family person isn’t just marrying them, it’s also being apart of their family and he is implying his family is important, so he’s it may not be your ideal living situation for a little, but he is saying it’s temporary and it’s pretty rude to not want to help out the people that got him to where he is today.

[Asker]

It’s also rude to want to put me in a situation I don’t want to be put in. Personally I always dreamt of moving in together alone. Starting a new journey on our own. So his parents live with us and mine alone? How’s that fair?

[kylee2437]

No it’s rude to want to marry someone but also not put their family into consideration because it mildly inconveniences you for a little. These are people that you are going to need to watch your kids and such, why not give them the helping hand when they will most likely do the same for you?

[Asker]

But they don’t need it. They aren’t homeless. And once again, how’s it fair for his parents to live with us and mine live alone?

[Asker]

Do you live with in laws or ever have? Have you heard the stories of how relationships turn because of that?

[kylee2437]

They are in need of place temporarily and he is allowing it because it’s his house. I’m sure if your family needed a place to stay, the only person that would be saying no is you.

[Asker]

They’re in need of a place? They already live somewhere

[kylee2437]

I have lived with in laws before and they actually had nothing to do with our break ups

[kylee2437]

He felt like they are in need and he can sure help them out because it would be in a house that is in his name.

[Asker]

Our name* and no they are not in need. They live somewhere already and they’re happy there.

[kylee2437]

You said he is purchasing a house.

[Asker]

And I corrected my self many times in the comments saying we want to get married and both purchase it togetherz

[kylee2437]

I am going by what you have typed and it sounds like personally you are switching what you originally said so I will agree with you. This isn’t my relationship and it is in your hands. Personally is allowing his parents to invade some of the house for some time worth ruining an 8 year relationship and having to start over? Dating these days is hard to come by and you sound like you have a good family man by your side that has a good head on his shoulders.

[kylee2437]

Again, the relationship is in your hands. Is his parents invading the house for 2 years or maybe even less worth losing a great relationship? If I had a great relationship and he wanted his parents to move in, I would suck it up because in the long run, the result is a happy long lasting relationship. That is not easy to come by in this generation at all

[Asker]

I understand where you are coming from. I have thought of that as well.. trust me. But a girl will only get married once, I will only have my first home once.. it feels unfair to not have it differently all because he wants his parents living with him. It’s also not fair that mine will live alone and his with us..

[kylee2437]

Girl you have it all. You have a successful family man. It may not be your entire dream , but you literally have a man that most women desire. How many people wish they can buy a house with their man at the age of 25-26? Many, most women. Take an imperfect inconvenience for the sake of a great happy husband.

[kylee2437]

Well explain more. You never know what I am going to say. I am a tough cookie, but I am open minded.

[Asker]

Maybe because we started dating really young or I don't know what the reason may be (I always try to find a justification), I’ve dealt with a lot of emotional / verbal abuse in this relationship. I feel like I’ve already dealt and put up with so much. Many times when his parents would get involved in these arguments (because of me, I was a dumb girl who would seek his mom for advice). They would justify his actions. He once called me names and told me mean things and she said “maybe he’s upset because he failed his exam” or she would say things like “maybe he’s just exhausted from work, it was really hot today”, “he’ll change, be patient” ….. so it makes me realize they justify him and in their eyes their son can do no wrong. Now imagine living together?

[kylee2437]

@asker so his parents are enablers. Has he learned from his mistakes, does he still name call you and such? Because if that’s the case and he still hasn’t learned, is marrying someone like that even worth it? That’s the bigger picture you need to look at.

[Asker]

Things were getting better. Until this conversation came up, he made me feel like crap. My parents are blessed enough to pay my tuition for school and I work 2-3 shifts waitressing. They’ve cut hours for many employees. My boyfriend on the other hand works for his cousins company 6 days a week and is making money. He proceeded to tell me “at least I work hard, you work two days a week waiting for a miracle to happen so you can save up”. It hurt. He also told me “I’m all about my parents”.. I then said “I get that.. I love mine as well and I wish I was a millionaire so I can retire them but that doesn’t mean your parents have to come live with us”

[kylee2437]

I am a waitress as well. None of my business to how much you make, but personally I’d try to look for another waitressing gig. Once you buy a house and actually have bills to pay, 2 days a week isn’t going to cut it.

[Asker]

I’m actually almost done with school, that’s why I’m focusing on my studies more at the moment

[kylee2437]

@asker makes complete sense. Maybe he’s concerned with your comfort being a problem? Not trying to justify abuse. I’ve been mentally abused myself and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But it’s also been summer and studies are done until August, have you only been working two days a week during the summer?

[kylee2437]

Until end of August**

[Asker]

No, the abuse has been ongoing before that. And that’s when my hours got cut, a month ago. This is his first summer ever working 6 days a week. Actually, first time in his life to work that much. And he’s already belittling me

[kylee2437]

Hmmm maybe consider if marrying him is worth it first. Once you add marriage into the scenario, abuse gets harder to get out of.

[Asker]

All I've ever wanted was for us to have a healthy relationship and achieve many things together. I’m an introvert, I know living with his parents would be difficult. Especially because of what I mentioned before. Every time I’ve seeked advice, they defend him. Last time his dad asked me “how’s my son been behaving” I was like “better, but sometimes he says mean things still” and he proceeds to say “just don’t contradict him and you’ll see things will run smoothly between you two” … I was like absolutely not.. he’s asking me to do whatever his son says

[kylee2437]

@asker it comes down to even nevermind his parents, but is he even a person you should marry. Now I know 8 years is a lot and a long time buttt these sound like issues that can potentially lead into a divorce later in life especially if you add kids into the scenario. If you express you don’t appreciate when he says mean things to you and he still does it, that is a sign of lack of respect for you.

[Asker]

I know.. this is what I meant when I said I know exactly what you or anyone else would tell me. But It’s really hard. He tends to blame me a lot and then I begin to believe it’s actually my fault that he acts that way towards me. He’s a good person, but when he’s angry, he gets really offensive and makes me cry.

[kylee2437]

@asker sounds like something you need to work on and address before getting married because let me tell you, I just left an abusive relationship where my ex would call me a bitch even after expressing I didn’t like it and it was just a way to disrespect me. I am happy I am single and not just obeying to be by his side because I have spent time in a relationship with him. It is in your hands.

[Asker]

Been called that as well.. also been told “I hate you” , “dumb bitch” , “you’re so stupid” etc.. but thanks for the advice. We got off on the wrong foot, I guess we’re both tough cookies but I really appreciate you taking your time reading everything I sent and giving me advice. God bless you.

[kylee2437]

Absolutely! I apologize if I came off a little abrupt. I hope everything gets figured out and you get happiness in this situation 💗

[Danny_dan92]

Did his parents lose their house or something?

[Asker]

They live with his dads sister, they always have

[Danny_dan92]

Ok so… then why does he have to move them in?

I would understand if they lost their home given the current state of the economy etc… but that isn’t the case

[Asker]

He says he doesn’t want them to live with his aunt anymore because she takes advantage of them with too many favors etc… but tbh his dad enjoys doing a lot for them, his mom on the other hand not so much

[Asker]

For example, his mom cooks for everyone and cleans
His dad takes his aunts kids to their games, School events, etc

[Danny_dan92]

I don’t see the need then

[Asker]

He says he’s tired of his parents getting used and rather have him live with us until his dad retires.

[Danny_dan92]

He has a clouded view of reality

[Asker]

He says I’m making him choose between his parents and I. I personally don’t see it that way.

[Danny_dan92]

Wow. Sounds like this relationship is fucken over tbh