Is it okay to never want to fall in love again?

[Honestyxrespectx90]

People get upset when I tell then I don't date. I always get phrases like "One day you'll change your mind" or "The right one will come along" and "You have to learn to love yourself."

Why is it so hard to believe that I don't want it? I don't want the feeling of someone else having control over how I feel. The pain, the potential for betrayal or heartbreak. I was married for 9 years, I went through some of the most excruciating betrayal and abuse. I don't have any good experiences with relationships, even the ones who were good people... i ended up hurt. I foolishly decided to let a guy friend break all my walls down a year ago... I let him into my world and I felt safe. He coaxed me into trusting him and initiated the relationship... only to end up crushing my heart. Even though he is an amazing man.

So I'm back to the way it should have been. Just me, in the safety of my own bubble. Safe from harm. So why does everyone act like that's something bad? Like I'm missing out on some big great thing... that doesn't even actually exist.

[JustADudePlayinADude]

It is okay to feel lost and like you will never find love again. It is okay to feel hurt and not want to find someone. However, do not shut yourself off from people unless you want to be miserable. It sounds like you are moving in the direction of "I don't want to be hurt emotionally, so I'm not getting close enough to anyone to start something again". That is a slippery slope of a mindset to have.

Next thing you know, a friend will hurt you, then a family member, etc. And you will expand your philosophy to encompass more than romantic relationships. By that point, you will have no friends and no family you are close to. You will be miserable. It might take 10-20 years, but it would suck in the end.

Humans are social creatures. We thrive off of interaction, even mega introverts. Those who shut themselves out from the world in any degree are never happy.

My suggestion: Tell people you aren't interested in a relationship right now. Tell them you've gone through too much emotional shit in the last couple of years and that you aren't ready to do it again. If someone asks you out, politely tell them you're working through some emotional stability and aren't ready to date until you figure some stuff out. And make it clear to friends and family it is not something you wish to talk about right now or in the near future, and emphasise you would like them to respect it. You may get a couple of guys that are interested in you, but if they ACTUALLY respect that and understand it, then they can be friends. If they start to become closer and closer friends, ask yourself if you can see yourself with them. If the answer is "No" to any degree, then continue as normal. But if "Yes", and they are still available, ask them about the prospects of it. But leave yourself open to prospects. Don't go searching for love again, but take it if it falls into your lap. As true love is fleeting and you'll regret it if it slips through your fingers.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

But that apart of the problem. I'll never be ready to let someone close again. I tried it and it doesn't work. And You are correct true love is fleeting... its there... then gone in a flash. Which is exactly why its unappealing to me. And heart are completely unreliable... one thing in my opinion that will never hurt me, betray me or let me down... The only safe space is myself... The only constant I have is myself. So I don't know that I would be miserable. I grew up an orphan, tossed from place to place... being alone is definitely what I am used to. So its not like I'm changing much.

[JustADudePlayinADude]

I should clarify what I meant. Finding love is fleeting, not love itself. It's something you regret losing if you let it slip through your fingers. I've already said what I intended, so I will not repeat myself. However, I will ask you to ask yourself one question. Does doing what you are talking about lead you to more happiness?

Unless you like to suffer, if you answer "no", then you should reconsider your position. Also, if you haven't already, please seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with seeking a therapist and getting the insight you need. There is a website called BetterHelp if you don't want to meet someone in person and do it at your own time. I ask that you at least check it out if you aren't already getting help.

[caring__1]

Like they say, "Never say never," but I can relate to what you are feeling. I've also been burned by relationships, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to them... I'm just much more cautious. I take the time to truly get to know the other before I deeply invest in that person. At the first sign of overreactions or attempts to mold me into their ideal, I'm gone. To tell you the truth, I haven't seen anyone that draws my interest for over a decade, yet I feel happy and fulfilled with the life I choose to live.

To make this easier and more comfortable for you, make lists of what you value in a partner and red flags that turn you off. Pull these from your past experiences or relationships you've observed or books you've read or movies you've watched. Just make sure what you list is realistic. You may want a friend to read your lists to help you see what might be unrealistic. Once you have these lists, use them as a template when you meet new people. This will make it easier to exclude options before investing in them. Don't immediately reject people who do check all your positive boxes. Be open to happiness, but never settle and assume that will lead to happiness.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

But that's just it. That's not what I want. I don't even want the risk. I am happy alone because I know myself and I know I'm safe. I don't feel like another person can add to that, I feel like it can only add excess stress to my life.

[caring__1]

That's like saying things were good enough when you were a toddler. You were wearing a diaper and drinking out of a baby bottle. You didn't want to give those up, but what would your life have been like had you stagnated at that stage? I'm not saying to focus on fantasies, but you never know what lies ahead of you, so don't close and lock all doors. Relationships may have been stressful for both of us in the past, but education can help us create and nurture things that might be much different from what we experienced in the past.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Well I definitely see what you are saying. And maybe you're right... I imagine you'll probably have a bright future with someone nice.

[caring__1]

I won't hold my breath, as the odds aren't great, but I won't reject it if it comes along. I definitely won't settle, again, though.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Thats good, nobody should settle. It is unhealthy.

[caring__1]

Yes, it is unhealthy, but, unfortunately, it is also very common.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Yep yep

[jennifer_bloom]

It’s understandable that after what happened, you feel you’ve had enough, your not bad for feeling that way. I think it’s like drinking 2 tequilas in an hour, you need to recover before you go back to the bar. Know that there are other ways you can feel companionship, such as volunteering with disabled or underprivileged children, working hospital or charity fund raisers, or even adopting pets from the animal shelter, I wasn’t in that abusive marriage you had but my parents verbally abused me and I used loving kindness meditation to normalize my emotions and stabilize my range of reactions, I believing giving back will help you heal. Your not evil or bad and you can heal and improve.

[Apulu_Imback]

Yeah, it's your choice. Some believe in love and some don't. But you shouldn't be judged for that.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you dont want love... it sounds like you dont want to be broken by love... which I totally get. I'm not sure if anyone can call it a bad thing in this day and age. If it feels right to be alone right now, than it probably is

[Anonymous]

Because these people get mad that you're taking the easy way out and just choosing singlehood. To be considered a success is society you have to have ALL the bases covered. Relationship success is just another aspect. People feel they HAVE to have a partner and it makes them mad when they've been put through the relationship ringer and here you come along and so arrogantly decide to just not play the game. 🙃🤣

[Honestyxrespectx90]

That's just it, nobody HAS to have anyone. Its always a choice. Trying to be successful in society's eyes is just a dumb aspiration. Society as a whole is never satisfied. The only true way to be successful is to aspire to achieve your own desires.

[Opinion Owner]

Doesn't matter. I'm not disagreeing with you. But whether I agree or not it doesn't change the fact that society has rules. You gender has rules and you're not following them.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Well I'm definitely not changing. I only have one life and I actually want to live it happily.

[Opinion Owner]

My thoughts exactly. But just expect that people are going to KEEP judging you for that decision.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

I mean that's cool... I can easily give them better things to judge me on. No biggie.

[Avicenna]

Of course it is- it's your life not anyone else's. But you never know- meeting someone can be totally random and when you least expect it.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Lol that's what everyone tells me. But I don't think I would even allow it. I think I would reject it.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

It's okay to feel the way you do, I feel the same way about things

[Anonymous]

You're allowed to feel and be anyway you want to be as far as falling in love goes, but God and the Republican party does expect you to get married, be faithful and obedient, and squeeze out as many new little taxpayers as possible.

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Well good thing that God and Republicans have nothing to do with how I live my life.

[Opinion Owner]

You say that now... Just wait lol

[Honestyxrespectx90]

I mean logically they control the government. But you can't make someone who is already fixed have more kids and you legally can't make someone marry. At least not in our current government. And God already doesn't approve of my life so what's new there.

[msc545]

It is better to not be at the mercy of your own neurochemicals, and that is all that love is.

[abhi44444]

May be yes or no it is beautiful to be love but it may be not if he she can't let you forget your dark past for me I forget many things 9r most

[Honestyxrespectx90]

Rebuilding and healing are definitely hard. I took 3 years to focus on myself and my healing. But some of those experiences will forever be driven into my memory. There is nothing that can remove them. It requires more than forgiveness sometimes

[Noodle_fan]

sure , i think all of us here is agree that life is not just about be in relationships/get married/something like that

[Valso]

If we met in person, you wouldn't get these stupid phrases from me. I'd simply say "welcome to the club". 😁

[landingout2]

I avoid dating

most women can't meet my requirements

[sheikalana]

If that's your choice and you're happy with it.

[magiusX26]

yes its ok to not want any of that

[maximumpower]

Oh yes!!
Won't ever do it again.

[TheAfrikan]

it is all okay.