What can I do for my boyfriend who is addicted to drugs?

[Anonymous]

I’ve never dealt with loving an addict. He went ghost on me for a few days after my birthday. Eventually it got to the point where I was calling him and sent a final text begging for him to respond to me so I know he’s at least alive. He had issues with drugs in the past before we met and I believed it was behind him, just as my own drug experimentation in my youth is behind me. But, he relapsed.

I ask if I can see him. He replies with “Maybe. later.”… everything I research about addicts, I know he’s no longer the same person I was with, but that that person is still in there. I do not want to just abandon him, but I also do not want to enable him. I know that statistically addicts have a 40-60% chance of relapsing and that number lessens the longer they’ve been sober.

Just… what can I do for him now? I am devastated that I lost my best friend and partner at the same time. I just want him to know that he’s loved and that I’m not going to abandon him. But these are things I want to say to his face, but I also don’t want to say it if he uses that as a crutch to keep relapsing. I have no idea where his mind is as far as if it was just a slip up and wants to continue with sobriety or if he is going to do drugs until he hits rock bottom or kills himself.

I am deeply worried about him because he is also very suicidal. He threw himself in front of traffic before we met and had to get surgery on his elbow. I just want him back… what can I do at this point? I feel like I’m mourning a person who still lives… I mourn the beautiful life we were creating for each other, I mourn his inner child… and his future going down this path.

Please show some compassion. I will not just leave him so please don’t even suggest that.

[Anonymous]

You can't make choices for other people another way of saying this same thing is that you can only help people who help themselves.

Right now you are on the outside looking in and you want him to be where you are because you are no longer in that situation but he doesn't want to leave and you can't make him.

You imagine that there is some better life for him if he stops doing what he is doing right now and maybe there is but he can't see that.

No one stops doing drugs because why would you? Who wants to trade out a thing they like for not having the thing they like? What sort of a shitty deal is that? No one makes that trade and they shouldn't. The only way out of it is to believe that you are gaining something by not doing the drugs, it doesn't matter what that is and maybe its different for everyone but there has to be carrot there and it has to be their own carrot, you can't give it from the outside.

If he decides that he wants to trade out, that is the point where you can potentially help him to help himself, but you cannot decide that he is going to do it and you also cannot do it for him.

[WindAtMyBack]

Save yourself first. Don't let his addiction pull you down. Maybe you love him and want to help, but there is nothing you can do. He has to do it on his own. You can give him support, but that doesn't change the fact that he has to do it on his own. He will do it if/when he is ready.

Waiting and hoping he will change doesn't help him. It's just wishful thinking and will likely hurt you and drag you down. Do NOT let that happen. Do NOT martyr yourself. If this has a negative impact on you, save yourself and get away.

You say don't suggest leaving him. But if it negatively affects you then yes I do suggest leaving him. You can still have compassion and give him support. But being romantically and emotionally involved with him can take you down and won't help him. You can not fix him no matter how much you want to. You need to save yourself.

[Pandaaa123]

I’d say (I don't know if you’re religious or not) but pray to God to help him, and live your own life but still be there if he needs anything. Don’t stay tied to him because like others are saying, that will drag you down with him which won’t help either of you. But let him know you’ll be there when he recovers and you’re there if he needs anything rn. I hope everything goes ok.

[MrOracle]

The only thing you can do to help him is to leave him. He cannot be helped until HE decides that things are so bad that rehab is preferable. He may not survive that long, sadly, but your attempts to help him will not help him, and you will bring his chaos into your life. And an addict will wreck havoc on your life.

The only thing that MIGHT get through to him is LOSS. But even that is unlikely - homeless camps are full of people who would rather live on the streets and push all their belongings in a shopping cart than give up their addiction. The only good news is that many hit rock bottom before things get that bad, and finally decide to get help.

As much as it hurts, you need to let him go.

[PJH359]

In the text you displayed it sadly looks like something I could have written two years ago. Trust me when I tell you that depression, even without drugs, can paralyze you to the point of not getting out of bed, leaving the house or answering the phone. And no it’s got NOTHING to do with you. He loves you…he just doesn’t want you to see him like this or drag you down. Give him the time and space that he’s asking for…he will come back with the same attraction and love for you that he had before. Don’t push too much…and encourage him to see a doctor for an antidepressant if nothing else. Good luck

[Staximus]

"He threw himself in front of traffic before we met and had to get surgery on his elbow." Right when you found that out, you should have got the fuck away from him. You obviously don't know what's good for you. You are letting this miserable piece of shit drag you down into his personal hell with him. Step back and save yourself from this mental torture while you still can. If the guy doesn't care enough about you to not put you through this bullshit, let him fuck off into the sunset. Go find a guy without drug and mental problems. There are a million other guys out there, you don't need to tie yourself to this miserable bastard.

[Staximus]

You can't do anything for him, he has to do it for himself. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. He has to want a good life and make a change. He has to stop wanting to drown himself and start swimming. Maybe you can convince him, maybe you can't. He's looking for an escape from his own mind through drugs. You can take him out and do fun stuff, show him love, support, etc., but it's just a temporary distraction like the drugs. What he really needs to do is learn to care about himself. If you don't know how to teach him that then find somebody who is an authority on the matter.

[Koalamate]

You can lead a horse to water but can't force him to drink.

Take him to a rehab center all you can do is support him.

I can be harder or easier depending on the drug.

I have a lot of friends who went down the drug path in highschool. I ended up cutting myself off but I do mourn them.

You could also talk to his family.

[Asker]

He doesn’t really have family.. drug addict mom he only met once when he was 20. He was taken from his dad by cps at age 6-7 and essentially grew up in foster care since.. he has no family. I talked to his friend.. but not much happened in that conversation. She didn’t know he relapsed.

[Koalamate]

That's hard. A counseller is another option.

[Likestobeniceyessss]

I would say nothing he's the one that has to have the hope to be strong , change and leave the addiction little by little. I've been drinking since like 12 and I still drink till today I tried quitting but I can't for long so I come back. But I drink less and keep my mind straight

[D_Bone_Steak]

Co Dependence... He's hooked on something, so what are you hooked on. It could be attention. Literally something as little as that.

[Shamalien]

Tough situation…only he can free himself. You can invite him over to cuddle and just bombard his system with natural oxytocin and that may sate him. Nothing wrong with being addicted to cuddles

[Asker]

If only he was addicted to it. I wish 😖

[monkeynutts]

Chain him to his bed, and flog him, then keep him hostage till he passes a withdrawal stage, and doesn't need drugs anymore.

[Asker]

If only things were that simple.

[monkeynutts]

Yeah it's silly, wish you luck, he has to want to change and improve himself, and some people like taking drugs, and are functional users, meaning they can mask it, and it doesn't seem to impact their lives.

[grega239]

What i wanna know is how junkies get girlfriends

[Asker]

I don't know I guess cause he had a good heart and treated me like a queen lol.. been used to accepting the bare minimum with men.. he went above and beyond. Mutual understanding is what I thought.

[In_Trance]

Unless you're a trained addictions counsellor, there's nothing you can do

[Agape93]

Get him into a detox facility

[Iron_Man]

Take him to rehab

[Fuentes]

I would never date a druggy.

[Pterodon]

Nothing

[Anonymous]

Leave him