How to react when finding things from an ex in significant others home?

[Anonymous]

My fiancees grandmother just died. We recently got engaged and haven't moved in together yet because we're renovating our apartment. He's out handling funeral matters and I'm at his place and thought I'd bake his favorite dessert.

I was looking for batteries for the food scale and I found a card from his ex in a drawer. I've told him before to get rid of whatever things he has from his ex. Pictures, presents, everything.

Of course I'm furious. Could be an honest mistake but he's promised me that he's looked through everything and cleared things out. How do I react. Obviously I can't bring it up now when his grandmother just died. Do I leave at least? Do I stay and be here for him and act normal until the grief period is over?

[Lynn7dsd]

He either didn't realize thus hadn't thrown it out... OR he is purposefully holding on to it because it gives him good memories. I feel like it is probably the 2nd one. Some people hold on to momentos NOT because they still love the person... but because it means the past was real at some point. I have held on to things that remind me of TERRIBLE times in my life... not per say because i miss it or loved it... but because it reminds me that there was a differnet time and place from the one i am in right now...

[Asker]

He probably purposely put it there and intended to keep it but I don't know if he might've forgotten about it.

[Lynn7dsd]

Yup, I wouldn't be the happiest about it. I think you have a right to ask him to get rid of it... you are getting married and will be family; he shouldn't have any attachments to any other woman or romance in his life. Its not the same as checking up on his text messages; this is reasonable.

[likelyOK]

So I have actually been in this exact situation with my current partner. But without the family death. In my case I was snooping and it was at the beginning of our relationship it caused me some pain but I never brought it up bc I was going through his things. He has since thrown out of things from her but it was bs he held onto a few things for a while. Let me know what you do.

[Asker]

I would've been more understanding if it was the beginning of our relationship. Took me a couple of months to clear out all traces of my ex. But we're getting married this winter, we're far past these types of things. I don't know what to do honestly, that's why I'm asking for advice here.

[likelyOK]

Sorry he still has his letter and it’s been over a year now for us. I made him throw out the other things. In your case I would say something bc you’re getting married and you addressed it before

[9inchestrong]

1st. You don't get to tell him to get rid of of anything like that. It is inappropriate of you. 2nd. Enrichment and connection are very real, and a card reminds him of when someone cared for him when probably no one else did. Stop being selfish. Why does it bother you so much? It's your fear of losing him. Well, keep being possessive and controlling and you'll lose him.

[Asker]

I didn't give him an order. We mutually agree that neither of us should have any connection or stuff from our ex's. We're getting married so why would we cherish memories from our past relationships, that's just weird.

[9inchestrong]

Now you're defending yourself. Manage your side of the street please.

[TroyDT]

"I've told him before to get rid of whatever things he has from his ex. Pictures, presents, everything."

I wouldn't tolerate someone dictating to me like that.

[maximumpower]

Wait - you're in a property owned by his family and are demanding he purge everything from earlier life b/c you say so?
Hopefully he kicks you to the curb - and right soon.