Why is my boyfriends ex who’s 10 years older than me saying derogatory things about him going after me for my age (I’m 26, he’s 38)?

[Anonymous]

She told me on fb that she told him that I’m closer in age to his daughter, who’s 19. She keeps saying things about how I’m too young for him to him. I also told her I’m not comfortable engaging about this more, respectfully, and she still sends me messages and won’t get the cue. Why is she doing this and why is she saying shit to him about our age difference?

Updates

+1 y

She also said she’s shocked he took me to so many nice places so early on and that it’s not his M-O.

[MrOracle]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/lKWhkjXV5uM

It's called Jealousy. In her head, when they broke up, it was HER who was supposed to move on to a better situation - HE was supposed to struggle while she "leveled up." Instead, it was the other way around.

Like many women in their 30s, the don't seem to realize that when it comes to relationships, the situation flips for men and women around age 30 (this is commonly referred to as "hitting the wall"). She's used to having all the value and all the power, and getting all the attention and having her pick of guys, because that's how things were in her late teens and 20s, and she got used to that, and assumes that will last forever. She's getting a hard education about reality.

Average SMV (Social Market Value), by age and sex.

This graph illustrates the average relationship value (SMV) of men and women at various ages (do not confuse this with personal value as a person in general - this is your value on the relationship marketplace as defined by the opposite sex).

Note that women's value is crazy high in her late teens and 20s (18-28 essentially), which is because this is her primary window of fertility, and men looking for a relationship partner highly value fertility - which can be translated to youth. Women during this stage of their lives can attract men far above her own level because men value fertility so highly.

Women value very different things in men - maturity, stability, resources, safety, and security - and unlike women, who automatically gain their value by virtue of hitting puberty and possessing a womb, men start off with nothing, are considered expendable when young, and must build their own value from scratch (in most cases - a relative few come from wealthy families and have a huge advantage). Building up this value takes more time, so men peak later, at older ages, and spend far more time near their peak than women do, even if their peak is much lower. (Note: the area under the curves on this graph are identical, meaning identical TOTAL value - women's is just extremely front-loaded across their life-span.)

This woman doesn't understand this - feminism has done everything in its power to hide this information from women, and convinces them that they don't need a man and that they'll be "boss babes" forever - but back in reality, that's not how it actually works. She assumed that she'd leave the relationship with your boyfriend and go right back to the status she had when she got with him - in the 80-90% range - but in her 30s, she's in a very different place on the graph - and so is he - and that makes her furious, because it's not what her feminist education taught her to believe or expect. SHE's the one who is supposed to be living her best life, and HE's supposed to be struggling and alone. The fact that it's the opposite drives her insane, and she's taking it out on you.

[Asker]

Well what really irritated me was that she said she’s shocked about how much money he has spent on me on dates/how many nice places he took me to. He took me to a $400 dinner and a few other nice places. She’s also saying it’s embarrassing that he’s going for someone closer in age to his daughter than his own age. Like I don't know who this woman thinks she is. I’m objectively prettier, thinner and younger and also successful at what I do. I think it’s inappropriate to use my younger age as a metric for where I am in life. Lol

[Asker]

I really don’t understand most women I encounter. When you disrespect yourself and set the bar low, don’t be mad if the men you’re dating meet you where you’re at. Ask for more, respect yourself, find a loving dynamic. She accepted way less out of him. She even said nice dinners and places aren’t his M-O. I personally think she can’t accept that he sees me as classier and higher value so he’s doing the extra effort. Drives me everywhere, opens every door, we don’t have fights, have our own things going on.

[MrOracle]

It's all of that. She believed she was the prize and still is the prize, so she cannot accept the reality that in fact she isn't. It goes against a lifetime of programming, and it's causing her to be mentally unhinged, and insanely jealous. The idea that he would do better than her following a break-up was impossible in her mind, yet, here it is.

[Asker]

Hahah she thinks she’s the main chick. Like no, he’s not even courting her.
They broke up literally the day he and I met actually. Lol. And they’d been together 8 months.

[slatyb]

Why? Because she's not over him. If she were, she wouldn't pay any attention to who he dates. But why do you care what she says? Block her.

Is your boyfriend still in contact with her, and if so, why? Their child is an adult, they have no need for further communication.

[Asker]

She saw pics of us together. And she tells me they got out of a relationship like right before me and him started dating.
She seems to think he’s not after me for the right reason and brought up the age thing and how I’m close in age to his daughter.

[Asker]

I don’t think they still really talk at all. She just started texting him a bunch.

[Asker]

Oh also it’s not her daughter.

[slatyb]

Not her daughter? In that case I have no idea why either of you would pay her the slightest attention.

[Asker]

@slatyb I just don’t get why she cares that he takes me to expensive places. She was like “I wouldn’t have gone to those places so early on if I wasn’t sure whether or not I liked him and didn’t want to commit to a full dinner” and other things…but I don’t get why she keeps sending me long paragraphs about it.

[slatyb]

I just don't get why you pay her any attention.

[Asker]

I don’t that’s why I blocked her. I don't know why she cares to analyze my situation so much though. Doesn’t she have a life?

[Fireguy17]

Because she is bitter, and is lashing out.
No matter who he was with she wouldn't be happy.
Just consider the source and ignore her as best as possible.

[Asker]

I think it’s inappropriate of her to say that about my age and that he went after me to manipulate me. And that I’m closer in age to his 19 year old daughter and that’s embarrassing. I’m pretty mature for a 26 year old. I lost my parents, grew up smart and successful and make a lot of money, I’m never mean to anyone, I take care of myself, et

[WhitneySnow]

Cause she’s a bitch. Just block her.

[Asker]

She also told me she’s surprised he’s taken me to so many nice places so early on. He spent $400 on me for a dinner.
Like I don't know a nice way to tell her it’s because I’m classier than her? I don't know

[WhitneySnow]

Just tell her straight up it’s cause you’re classier than she is and he knows it

[Asker]

Who does she think she is? Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she’s wiser or further along in life. I’m an adult and doing great in life. She is out of line for criticizing my age being I’m 26 and his daughter is 19. She told him “it’s embarrassing that you went for someone who’s closer in age to your daughter than you”

[WhitneySnow]

I totally agree with you