I have a close guy friend that I've known since grade school. We've been through a lot together and were platonic best friends for a hot minute. Recently started sleeping with one another.
He tells me he loves and misses me everyday several times a day. He told me that we're too compatible and if it wasn't for that he'd marry me. Since he thinks I'm wife material.
It's just I don't know if believe what he's saying.
I just feel like maybe he's just not that into me because I'm not as problematic/chaotic as the women he's usually into. I don't think I'm really his type as a whole. I'm okay with that but I wish we didn't have sex now. He wants to continue to act on that sexual dynamic until we can't anymore. But I want a serious relationship with whoever is my soulmate. I feel like I'm being used for his entertainment in life. He just loves me because I'm there for him. I was always told never let a man tell you he doesn't want you more than once. So I find it conflicting when he tries to be intimate with me now. Am I thinking to hard about it?
It could be he sees you as too perfect, and he fears he won't measure up... eventually disappointing you. Ask him what he sees in you and how that differs from what he sees in other females. Ask him what changes he feels he'd need to make to see you as someone right for him. Once he acknowledges his perceived deficiencies, let him know a deficiency in one person's eye may be an asset in another person's eye. Tell him how his perceived flaws impact you.
If he's not ready or willing to be open and honest with you, then he's probably not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone. Continue your search elsewhere, and don't hold your breath in anticipation of him maturing. If having him in your life causes you confusion or makes it harder for you to move forward, let him know your inner conflict makes it too hard to maintain any type of relationship with him, as it holds you back from moving forward. Sometimes, the reality of losing someone special triggers changes in us, but only believe is behavioral patterns and actions, not his words.
Anyway, to answer your concern: I would say your intuition is correct. He IS using you. And it sounds like he was lovebombing you & now is discarding you after he got what he wants (best for you to research what these terms mean). There is no way in hell that a person who truly loves you and has true compatibility with you would pass the opportunity to be with you. Sounds like this guy is in it for the sex. Hence why he is so persistent in keeping the sex-dynamic going while denying you the commitment you want.
This is why it's crucial for women to make commitment a necessity towards sex. You've given away your only bargaining chip to a committing relationship and now he diverts his attention to the next 'challenge'. All while trying to have his cake and eat it too (having sex with you while he seeks out other women).
As for you, if you keep on dealing with this guy he clearly manipulated his way into your pants, then you'll only get to resent yourself even more down the line. For your own sake, best you end it.
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2 Reply
Asker
1 y
I'm highly aware of these terms already, what you're referring to, and the nature of your take.
I wouldn't say he's discarding me. It's more like he's just trying to take up all my time and affection. Also leave no room for anything serious with other men that come into my life. But also not commit to me despite wanting more from me. Which in reality I never wanted commitment from him ever.
He's not my type and the sex was just mutual and casual on both ends. I just wanted to know the real reason why he wouldn't want to commit to me since he brought it up. It's more so my ego that's been hurt because I'm a perfectionist. I fear my flaws could hold me back from my blessings. Also me being annoyed/confused by his antics because I thought he'd be more chill and less... a typical guy. But it is what it is. You live you learn.
So he is stringing you along. So on one hand he doesn't want to give you what you want, but at the same time he stands in your way of getting with a man who would. All for his own gain at your expense. That's a whole other level of toxicity and any person with a good head on their shoulders would do well to stand their ground at worst and distance themselves at best. It doesn't matter whether you want commitment from him or not. What matters is that he is standing in your way of getting commitment from a potential partner who you do want commitment from.
You're 25-29 years old and therefore I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm sure you're old enough to figure out what the right choice would be. If you want to know what I would do in your shoes, I would distance myself from him and allow myself to experience a loving relationship with someone else.
In so many words he is saying “I like having sex with you but you are not my wife and I do not see you being MY wife”. Cut your loss and move on, you are a placeholder and if you have any ounce of self esteem you should stop sleeping with him and focus on coming into alignment with someone else who fits your wants and needs.
Him saying tok compatible might just be a way of saying since you work so well as friends there isn't enough chemistry for a relationship. If he wants a casual fling and you are being hurt just end that. It isn't worth it. If he actually wanted to date you he would.
Your answer is in your question. Now you just have to choose to let him go and finally entertain someone that is aligned with what you want. So what's it going to be?
step back for sure, you aren't getting what you want... it's all about him.
a guy can be screwed up and go for difficult women, that's actually... kinda typical. That is about his emotional condition and not about you. It's frustrating to be a healthy person and to see people go for the crazy or wrong type. The root of that is his childhood upbringing... what his family and emotionally impacting experiences was like. Once he heals from that, if he ever decides to examine himself and work on it, then maybe he'd be ok with you. As it is, he may be ashamed of himself, or just an idiot.
too compatible yes, you can be so similar in how your mind works that you have the same strengths which is nice, but then you share weaknesses. It's good to have some different skills in the family, I greatly benefit from my wifes emotional makeup with augments me very well.
Not sure what that would do to diversity of offspring for the kids are part makeup of both parents. That's a genetics and behavior development question... I don't know.
Dump him, block him, just find a way to get rid of him. If you guys kept it plutonic and didn't add the intimacy part, it's a possibility that you two could still have been friends right now. But, adding the intimacy is what turned this into (sorry I'm not holding back) a dumpster fire. The friendship ended as soon as you got intimate. Now, there's no going back to just casual best friends. In other words, you broke the barrier. All that's left is to end this completely. If he's still wanting "it" with you, then that guy lost his ability to go back to being friends.
If he was friends with you for that long, he could certainly feel like he love you.
Here's what you need to ask yourseld. Why is he telling you. now? Is it because he's had feelings before sex or after? Why did you start sleeping with him? If any of this was because of recent bad experience, dry spell for having sex, insecurity in telling yourself, and/or maybe I should just settle.
But in my opinion he screwed up using the word love. Sounds like a big difference in romantic feelings for each other.
From a woman's perspective, that definitely sounds more like he's not wanting to commit himself to a relationship, but just happily wants to sleep with you.
He is not telling you the real reason why he doesn’t want to be with you. Since you have too much in common, you’re not compatible? Seriously? He is probably just not sure he wants to be with you and wants to explore his options since it sounds like the next step is to get married.
How in the world can you be too compatible? You are tooooo good for each other therefore it’s bad? Huh? He is lying trying to reject you softly, instead of just saying he don’t want you. If a dude wants a women and she is everything he wants, there ain’t nothing ganna pry him off of trying at least to get with you let alone keep you.
Cur it off while he’s still hot for you. He’ll either be okay with that, or he’ll reconsider his position and your expectations. Either way, you’ll have your answer. And what does he mean when he says “too compatible?”
Too much alike trope, but it sounds like an excuse in your case, sounds like you got used.
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3 Reply
Asker
1 y
Well tbh we both slept together casually. I have men pursuing me seriously. And he just got out of a serious relationship.
So when we slept together it was chill and no strings. The way he's trying to be with me now tho would be usery. Because he knows he doesn't want anything fr but he keeps trying to put himself above other men trying to be in my life. Also be with me like i'm his girl and still talk to his ex lol. And I care for him but I refuse to play that role. When all I want is just my soulmate and peace. 💀
Absolutely, I know my part that I played. I never stray from accountability. 🤷🏽♀️ The difference is I'm a genuine and honest mf. And rn he not keeping it 💯 wit me and i dont like that. Thanks for commenting. Hope ur day goes well.
Not advice, speaking broadly just only to the question since I lazily only ready the question apologies but: I for one do think and from experience can feel too compatible or too similar to a partner.
Sometimes just because you’re compatible friends, doesn’t mean you’re compatible lovers. I found that out after dating 2 of my former best friends. Those relationships didn’t last long.
I don't care what he says... Your little man there is full of shit. There is no such thing as too perfect. Dude doesn't know what he wants, but apparently he likes pussy so he's fucking you until another woman comes around.
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Anonymous
(18-24)
1 y
Honestly, that sounds like a lame excuse for just wanting to sleep with you.
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1 Reply
Asker
1 y
Right like, it's so lame it just makes me upset and confused. I much rather he told me I'm ugly or some shit. Or he doesn't like me like that flat out. Least I'd be okay with it and move on from there.
you're the mistress to his actual girl he hasn't tol you about. Lmfao. Give girls freedom and this is what they do with it.
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1 Reply
Asker
New1 y
So many people think like you. Forgetting there isn't an exception to the golden rule of life. Treat people how you want to be treated. That's why Karma exists. Women having freedom just like men shouldn't be looked down upon when it's just basic rights/decency.
If you need to feel better than others just to feel good about yourself. That's on you. Sounds like a depressing and weak mindset to live in. And it's likely why your negativity is projecting onto others so much. Misery loves company. I wish you the best tho. May you find happiness within yourself, and stop being another negative being walking this earth. As if we don't have enough of them already.
