This is just a question about baffling behavior I witnessed tonight regarding a close friend of mine. My friend (48M) is "dating" his ex-girlfriend (45F) that he was with for a good year and a half a few years ago and tried dating again a few months ago. She seems to think they are in a relationship again and are exclusive while he's flat out told me that he's just seeing where things go and if she can respect his boundaries.
Earlier he had to stop drinking and hanging out because she told him it was time for him to go home. And got into an argument with him where he was right on a subject I even had to look up because the argument between them was ridiculous and she was adamant he was wrong (Spoiler: he was correct). As we were leaving because he kindly gave me a ride home, she made him change his music in his vehicle that he was driving because she didn't like the band. She also told me (33F) earlier that he was toxic. I kind of shrugged because everyone has toxic traits to a degree. But if he's supposedly toxic, then why are you wanting to get back together with him? For the record, she decided to want to get back together with him a week ago.
Honestly I'm just baffled by this. She's a nice person but I see a small amount of red flags regarding her and my friend. I'm just gonna support him in whatever because he's my friend and that's what friends are for. I'll be there if they decide to be serious and I'll be there if he ultimately decides she hasn't changed and decides it's not worth pursuing any further.
Are those little behaviors considered toxic at all? I'm asking because it will be likely I'll be hanging out with both of them even more considering I hang out with him and I want to watch out for stuff like that so I can protect myself or at least be supportive regarding my friend.
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Her saying that he is toxic is a heavy indicator that SHE is toxic. She sounds very controlling, and like its better if they just stay friends.
I will say this though: being a friend doesn't mean supporting all your friend's decisions. Being a friend is about looking out for your friend's best interest, no matter what, even if that means disagreeing with them and telling them that what they are doing is a bad idea. It doesn't make you a popular friend, but it does make you a good one: one they can count on to tell the truth and be sincere with you.
If you really care about your friend, it might be kind to at least let him know that you are concerned for him. You don't have to control him by saying "you shouldn't date her", but you might want to mention that she seems toxic and controlling, when she is in fact toxic and controlling. It's a psychological trick.
Hope this helps, and I hope your friend makes the right decision.
I've already told him that I don't think that she's changed in the past few months or few years since they first ended their relationship and to keep his guard up when he first told me she wanted to get back together with him. And by some of the things I witnessed last night, I don't think that I am far off. And he told me he knew what he was doing. Also he laid some ground rules and that they are playing in his court now. No banging unless she shows that she's serious and wants to move forward. That type of stuff.
It is weird that she says they are exclusive and he says he's seeing where things go. Looks like there are different expectations going on there that they need to discuss.
It sounds like it's outta your hands then, and like he'll just figure it out the hard way. She sounds like she needs a few YEARS to grow up.
He didn't seem to happy about having to leave the bar early or changing his music. But I guess people do weird things just make others happy if they want things to work out. And yeah, he'll figure it out for himself. Eventually.
Sounds toxic to me.