Is this abuse or should I change?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment if he doesn't get his own way or if I confront him about an issue

For example, I told him I thought he was being unreliable. Which he has been lately. Arranging to meet me then either ignoring me when I'm ready to go out with him or cancelling last minute. He didn't speak to me for a week over it.

I told him we need to talk things through, not ignore each other like that. His response was 'I'll be silent if I want. No one controls me'. But I'm not being controlling. I just want us to communicate better so issues get resolved. He doesn't seem to care how I feel

Should I just accept things to stop him giving me the silent treatment? And is he right in the fact it's ok to ignore me for days or weeks? I'm so confused

[Guy13]

Silent treatment is seen as a negative way to handle interpersonal issues. It entails no speaking, withdrawal, avoidance, a full emotional separation from the one in receipt of said treatment. It does seem to be an attempt at controlling or controlling outcome of a situation.

This is no different than a day at work with multiple relationships. I do not see this as emotional abuse, however, it is clear that boundaries need to be set in your relationship. And if boundaries are violated then it would be on you to take action. Best with him !!

[Asker]

Thank you very much.

[Guy13]

Sure. You're welcome. Good luck with it all. :-)

[DarkCarousel]

It doesn’t sound like abuse— it sounds like a lack of maturity in the communication department. “No one controls me” is odd for him to say, as though he has some resentment (either from you or a previous relationship) about resolving conflicts.
I don’t want to be too negative but if he’s unwilling to make any attempts to communicate or talk things out, I don’t see how things can progress or even be maintained in the relationship.

Also, just to play devil’s advocate, what does your confrontation style like? Are you speaking calmly to him or coming straight out of the gate with yelling? Just curious.

[Asker]

It's OK. I really appreciate you asking. I need as much help as possible because I love him and want this to work. I'm calm when I approach him about an issue, but to be honest when he starts saying no one controls me etc and gives me the silent treatment I retaliate by ignoring him too. I don't nag him or bully him. But i admit there's times I've peatered him to talk to me when he ignores me. It's the silent treatment that I'm struggling to deal with 😕

[Asker]

Pestered ***

[petitedollbabee]

Don’t stay with a man like that. He’s immature and manipulative by punishing you for not getting his own way. Based only on the context you’ve given, you’re not the problem. It’s completely reasonable to call him unreliable if he’s doing that, and it’s healthy to want clear communication in a relationship. If he’s not willing to give you that then you’re wasting your time being in that relationship.

[Asker]

Thank you. I appreciate your help

[Summeroflove]

The silent treatment is wrong. It is totally normal to need some time to calm down before speaking. But the silent treatment definitely isn’t normal or healthy and yes many times abusive.


As well as arranging to meet and flaking is wrong. Maybe it’s time to tell him how you feel and break up.


If he doesn’t want to hear it. Just break up. Because he won’t listen to you and seems you’re unhappy

[Asker]

It's having an awful affect in my emotionally and mentally ☹️

[Summeroflove]

This is why it’s wrong. Yes it’s abusive and if you have tried telling him this and don’t care. Then unfortunately he just don’t care about you

[Asker]

You're so right. Thank you

[Summeroflove]

You’re welcome