My boyfriend won’t commit to me because of his family, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

My partner and I have dated for just over 2years but he still can’t commit to me…he is taking care of his parents who are older and his dad isn’t overly well and he feels pressured to take care of them. He is reluctant to move in etc due to this and I’m not sure what to do anymore…I love him and we’ve talked about this many times but nothing changes and he can’t have two lives.

any advice/what would you do/am I being selfish or should he commit to me?

[SnowedIn]

You are not being selfish but he should not commit to you. He has made a choice. I won't judge his choice; I cannot imagine being in that position. He doesn't have to give up his parents. That said, you are not required to wait. Your choice, actually is easy. Do you love him enough to stay with him through his caring for his parents in whatever capacity you can and in whatever capacity the relationship is? If so, stay with him. Or, you can -- with a clear conscience -- end the relationship.

But, let me offer this thought to you and it's two fold. First, I don't necessarily agree with him. I think that a person can have a committed relationship and still care for parents or something similar -- your boyfriend really should learn that now. Life doesn't stop sending these types of events. That leads to my second point: you may want to consider staying by his side. In your life with him or someone else, you'll have these trying moments. A parent will be ill. One of you gets sick. A child has a disease. It never ends. This may actually be a wonderful trial run for a deeper more committed relationship.

[Guy13]

When a couple marries, he/she are supposed to leave their parents an cleave to one another.- This is a Biblical perspective on relationship.

The secular humanist does not have this perspective. Often, most people assume that the parents are seeing something that the participant can not see due to being in love. Are you willing to hear the brutal truth and mature enough to not get defensive? This is the only way and i am sure he is scared to tell you the truth. I would make resoundingly clear that the relationship very important to you and you want the truth from their perspective.

[EmmaMary]

Stop wasting your time, call it a day and move on with your life.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[Finchie40]

Then he isn’t the guy for you , you are best to move on , when someone loves you and values you you become their top priority over everyone , over family and over friends and children as well, Love only grows when 2 people make each other their top priority that remove selfishness for each other , understanding they can’t always be right and you are wrong and vice versa , not treating you like a convenience, It won’t always be perfect you will butt heads but you both prioritize each other and make it work

[lightbulb27]

that's a challenge point in relationship.. will it move forward. this adds stress to him and you. options:

Everyone move in together and be supportive woman? Find amicable solutions? WARNING: This may not be as easy as you think, or maybe it is...

Be patient... for possibly several decades til his parents pass on?

get new boyfriend so you can get your life going where you want it to be. Note, likely has parents, could have same problem but probably not.

best of luck!

[qwert1234]

No, you are not selfish.

As a couple, it's natural that you will have dreams to move forward and move forward is what you must do.

He should be prepared to make this compromise. Leaving his parents does not mean he will no longer take care of them. He can visit them monthly, if he's the breadwinner, continue sending allowances (how much, should be discussed between the two of you).

Now, this is in no way to force him for a commitment. If he really cannot commit, then you need to think ahead - can you still support the current state of the relationship?

The best advice I can give you is talk to your partner. Come up with a plan or compromise so that he can still take care of his parents (less now, but less is better than none) and take the relationship into a higher level.

[Anonymous]

The facts of life.

He is prioritising his parents. This may be the right decision for him but does not work for you.

You are presumably in your late 20s and have already committed 2 years to this relationship.

You haven't got forever. How much longer are you prepared to wait?

[Brando10222]

It's not living 2 lives. I think you deserve someone whose priority is equal when it comes to parents and you in this situation. You deserve better. You aren't selfish it's your life. And it should revolve around him like this.