I have developed feelings for someone but going to be marrying someone else?

[Anonymous]

I have really developed feelings for someone else but I am destined to marry someone else. What should I do?

The girl I like also loves me. Marrying multiple women is not a problem for me. But I don't know why I want to keep my relationship secret but keep supporting my lover.

The girl I am to marry is someone I don't know and my parents keep telling me I should marry a virgin Muslim girl from our clan. I don't know why but I really hate to say this I love someone else. She says she likes me too. She is slightly older than me but I don't care. I really want to keep sending her money and love and marry her in secret from my family.

I know it is a sin but my Lovers family will accept me but I fear it will break my own parents heart. I really love them but I don't want to reject someone they choose for me. I have a weak heart and I need guidance.

P. S please don't tell me to tell my parents. They don't listen to me.

I have option to marry this girl in secret when I go to meet her in another country.

İ feel mad in love for her. She is a Pagan and I am a Muslim.

Updates

1 y

My lover knows I can love her help her raise her children, provide for her but most likely it's not easy for me to be with her.
She even offered me a green card to help me remain financially viable.

[Guy13]

Okay, so you are marrying the virgin for kids and family? And running off with the other woman for love? even though you know it is sinful. Have I got this right?

If yes, my greater concern per Islam is there enough good in your life to outweigh the bad at Judgment. The amount of unknown sin is mammoth so to be adding Known Sin sounds like a recipe for spiritual disaster and torment.

But those who have faith and work righteousness, they are companions of the garden (Quran 2:82)...(Jannah) or (Jahannam-prison for evildoers)?

What about Eternity... your scales balance is seemingly leaning toward Jahannam?

My view is "For we maintain that a man is just or justified by faith apart from works of the Law. And in that they show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternatively accusing or else defending them."

[Asker]

Look, tell me something useful and stop judging me.
I hate my culture anyways. Who gave them right to pressure me and marry me to a girl I don't know.
I had a difficult life all my life.

[Guy13]

I am not judging you. I am trying to understand the situation as it really is. I am not telling anyone anything until I understand the situations. If you want a blowhard to say what you want to hear then that's not me. Best with it all !!

[Asker]

Sorry I am just confused 😕. I didn't mean to lash out at you.
I want to care for her child. It's not hers but I want to make my lovers child my own. I don't care what people say but I want to give it my name

[Guy13]

No worries... hoping the best for you and yours.

[Asker]

Thank you 😊. You and that anon girl really talked genuinely.

[Anonymous]

Truly loving someone is being honest with them. The fact that you’ve yet to disclose that you’re supposed to marry someone else will ruin your chances completely, because that’s like unforgivable deception, at least that’s how I see it. On top of that, if you are a devout Muslim, cannot stray from your religion and refuse standing up to your parents then there’s just no chance whatsoever with this other woman and you should rid yourself from the thought of even pursuing her. It’s just a failed situation all around regarding her.

[Asker]

Actually my lover knows that and she accepts it.
She is willing to accommodate me. I don't want to tell my future wife about it :/

[Opinion Owner]

Oh okay, so it’s your fiancé that doesn’t know, I thought it was the lover. Well honestly there’s nothing you can do. You’ve rejected the most feasible options which is to tell your parents and end the engagement formally like a man. Clearly you love and respect your parents, so would you really want to not only hurt but shame them by just disappearing to run off and get married? To a pagan woman at that? I’ve had to end a relationship because the man was Muslim and I’m not, so I understand the pressure, it was a devastating split. But it is what it is, you can’t run from who you are. You either make the changes that will bring you happiness, or marry someone that will only please your family, and maybe learn to love her as you grow together.

[Asker]

What was the problem for you? Muslim men can marry non Muslim women.

I am not engaged yet. My problem is I told my parents about a Muslim girl she was from another country as well. They said no, she is going to be fat etc etc. And I had a dream so to speak where I talked to this girl and I think it was a sign of God.

And my parents are old. I don't want to see them in pain. I don't want to run away. It's just if I had found this girl sooner I think I would have married her :/.

Do you think I am a bad person 😔.
I feel like I will end up cheating on my future wife even if I let my lover go. I don't really like girls from my own country. I hate them actually. I am willing to adopt my Lovers traditions and culture in exchange for happiness.
Do you think I am a bad person? I don't care about the shame thing as you say. I just keep getting pressured to marry. But I don't want to let her go away from my life. She is someone unique and I honestly have not seen a woman who came this close to my heart. I had lots of heart breaks and I don't think I can bear this any longer.
I thought God loves us but it's so painful for me.
I wish to die but I don't want to kill myself. I don't know why God keeps saving my life :/

[Opinion Owner]

In my situation the guys family were very, very adamant about him marrying a Muslim woman. They weren’t mean to me but they never truly accepted me because I’m Christian and had no intention to convert. I knew in the future I wanted a family that he couldn’t give me, so we had to break up. It’s hard but I know for a lot of Muslims your religion runs very deep. My ex told me he wasn’t that feeling into it which was why I gave him a chance in the first place but clearly he was.

Anyway, I don’t think you’re a bad person but even if I did it’s not my place or desire to judge. It sounds like you really care for your lover and that ultimately you would be happiest with her. So I think you just have to make a decision and stand by it. On one hand, if you chose her over your religion and family then maybe your parents would come around someday, especially if it means maintaining a relationship with you. But if you know in your heart they’d disown you and don’t want to lose them, then you stick to your religion, even if it means you suffer. Personally I would choose my lover because it’s my life and I want to be happy, but I’m not from your background and couldn’t possibly understand the weight that decision holds.

[Asker]

I know my parents won't disown me. I just want it all to work.
You said you would choose the lover but you said you broke up with him. Why broke up when you just said you would have chosen your lover.

I don't want my lover to change. I don't think I will change my religion for her but I think God is putting me in a very difficult situation.
I had a lot of heart breaks in my life I don't think I want to be a heart breaker. It's painful. My university girls were Muslims and they were not as accommodating like this girl. I am virgin and she is a non virgin but I want to be with her. I know God can forgive fornication so she says she won't do anything if I married her.
She is traditional. It's not her fault. She was raped by her ex boyfriend. Now she says she won't create problems and willing to keep our relationship secure. She will tell her parents and I can keep it secret if I like and she won't mind it.
I want to give her a child whom she can look and it reminds her of me. I can send her money so she never feels the need to work.

[Opinion Owner]

God has nothing to do with this, it’s you and your morals that’s creating the internal conflict. Your pagan lover cannot understand your position, doesn’t abide by your religion, and that’s why she is so accommodating and things are easier with her, but that’s not the right way. In a perfect world we could have everything we want and make everyone happy, however this life isn’t perfect. Wanting to lie to people you love in order to get what you want is just selfish and inconsiderate of the woman your parents what you to marry. Not to mention she would never agree to that. You can’t do it.

As for with my ex, it was just a very different situation than you. He couldn’t marry me one day if I wasn’t Muslim, and I didn’t want to convert, so we had to do the hard thing and break up. It sucked but that’s life. We have both moved on since then, maybe you can too.

[Asker]

I wish I had a short life.
I won't cheat on my wife physically at least but I wish I do. I think I will keep my lover a secret from her till a better time

[Opinion Owner]

That level of deception is unacceptable and inexcusable, especially if you marry her first. She has the right to know. She is still a person, and deserves that decency. I’m sorry you are in a rough situation, but if you can’t choose your lover in a respectable way, then you need to end it. What you want to do is so entirely wrong.

[Asker]

May be my future wife changes her mind and be open to polygamy? The pagan girl is open to it and proud to be so what's wrong with a Muslim woman?

[Opinion Owner]

Because she’s pagan! Lol she has no religion of course she’s open to polygamy. You’re comparing her morals to that of a very religious young lady. On top of that you cannot trap her into that lifestyle by marrying her then telling her whenever you feel like it. That’s shameful and unacceptable.

[Asker]

I wish I born a pagan too. I think they are more close to how I feel deep down

[Opinion Owner]

Then be with her. You already said your parents won’t disown you, so choose her and let them adjust.

[Asker]

Thank you whoever you're. I was crying and sad but I am hopeful thanks to you

[Opinion Owner]

No worries man. Life’s too short to complicate it so much. Be with the person who makes you happy, your parents will come around.

[Asker]

Thank you. I don't know how to say this but I hope you meet your love. I don't care about any religion if it is a wall between lovers. You should have that man even if you were an atheist and he was Muslim. I think life is unfair.

I will give my lover financial support to make her burden as little as possible bringing her children into this world.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks☺️ I’ve actually been in a new relationship for over a year now. As for you, if you’re happy with your lover then actually go be with her the right way. Even if your marriage is already arranged you can still call it off. But don’t do anything messed up like getting married but still dealing with your lover, it is wrong in the eyes of god and you know that. Marriage is a vow, a commitment to one person to be loyal and faithful. You should not become a husband knowing you have a mistress, that’s is not ok.

[Asker]

I want to keep a mistress or two wives if I see my wife is open minded. Will God forgive me. I had a rough life and now I got someone and my siblings and parents ruined it for me. I told my parents to marry me to a girl in the past and then they refused by making up excuses. This is not the first time.
I promise I won't sleep with the pagan girl if my wife doesn't consent to it. But I want to keep supporting her because she is someone I care about. I would be spending it anyway so why not devote myself to her?

[Opinion Owner]

Let me ask you this. You said that your parents won’t disown you right? So why not just be with the pagan?

[Asker]

I don't want to hurt my parents I think. Pagan girl is an angel 😇. I guess I am afraid my parents will say screw you if something goes wrong.

I can say I deeply love her but she wants me to move to her place but I want her to come to my place.
And she has 25% chance of having a child and it will go down according to her. I want her to have kids with someone else instead of wanting on me.
And the problem is I have elder brothers, they have not married and my parents are old. I don't want to bring them pain either especially my father. He is someone I would eat poison or murder someone if he asked me.
I wish one of my brother married first to ensure that my parents have a grandchild. But noooo, they want to go to America first and then make a life and reborn. I mean come on they are wasting time on things that are not meant to be 😔.

If at least one of them was this devoted to my parents I would be free to take the necessary step. My health keeps going down whenever I think about these thoughts. I know God's Will is the strongest and I can't escape destiny but I want God to make her a part of my life. I am really sorry whenever I see stories of Muslim guys playing with girls and then dumping them I get mad about it.
I feel guilty to throw that girl away. The least I can do is support her financially. Even though she is not a gold digger I want to do it for her at least.

You might think I don't like her for real but I actually do. She made me feel like a man aside from my own family

[Opinion Owner]

Well, I think that you’re putting yourself through more grief than need be. If your brothers made the choice to live their own lives then you should too. I totally understand not wanting to hurt your parents, but this is your life and your decisions to live with, not theirs. Parents won’t always agree with their kids but they’ll love you no matter what, and they will get over it. You’ve already said they won’t disown you, and I’m sure they aren’t bad to your brothers. So you should do what feels right. But you can’t have it both ways. It’s wrong to trap a woman in a polygamous relationship that she doesn’t want, or to support another woman financially like a mistress, just because you were a coward and wouldn’t stand up to your parents. This of the woman you may marry as an actual person and have the same respect for her that you do for the pagan.

[Asker]

What's wrong if I keep a mistress? I already see a lot of suffering 😔. I don't want to leave her and let her become those single moms. I mean I understand your point but I am not getting same things as my brothers. For them they get to do whatever they want but for me I am always controlled like a girl.

[Asker]

The pagan girl has no issue. Islam allows it too to have multiple partners whom I might like. And I admit I am a coward for hiding but I don't want to end up cheating on my wife instead. I want her to be understanding or I just keep it secret till some day she comes to terms and tells me I can do whatever I want.

[Opinion Owner]

They do what they want because they can. You don’t because you choose that route. We all have choices and if yours is to live for your parents then you better make peace with that. You don’t know that the pagan woman will be single forever, she only is right now because of you. If you let her go I’m sure she would find a man one day, but that’s not what you want. To be honest that’s kinda messed up, she’s not important enough for you to stand up to your parents and marry her, but she’s good enough to be a mistress? That’s disgusting, you have no respect for her if that’s what you want.

[Asker]

I love her, I am sorry if she gets married to someone else I will still keep loving her to my dying breath. I am disgusting because I love them both. I told her that I will accept her even if she has kids with someone else.
I stood up to my parents at least 4 times and every time the Muslim girls left me for greener pastures. Now, she is someone who like me also had a broken heart and soul. I am willing to be there for her and marry her in her country and be supportive of her to the end.

This doesn't mean I will be less of a husband for my wife. I love children, and may be that has made me like this. I especially love white people and call me shallow but I want to raise her children as my own and even if they don't call me daddy I will love them like my own.
I thought of foster care but I don't think my future wife who despite being a Muslim will be ready to adopt someone else's children. So, I find my lover a perfect match. She just fills me.

I am sorry 😔 I am a sinner and a pig

[Opinion Owner]

Yes you are.

[Asker]

:/ why do you not get what you want in life. I had a lot of heart breaks to let her go.

[Opinion Owner]

Do what you want, I’ve been offering so many suggestions and you refuse them all. I won’t keep saying the same things over and over. Good luck with your choice.

[Asker]

I will weigh in your choices whoever you are thank you so much. I hope whatever happens is really good for pagan girl. İ I really want to make her life heaven. And I don't want to see the pagan girl suffer. My own life has been a living hell lately.

But really thank you. I hope you and your love can be together too :)

[Opinion Owner]

You’re not weighing whether or not to be with the pagan, you’re weighing whether or not to keep her as a mistress and that’s wrong. If she’s a good woman then stop being such a selfish man and let her go so she can find love. You have the right to marry her or live your own life not do what your parents want, just like your brothers, but guilt keeps you from it. If that’s the case then it is what it is but at least own it. Your life being hard now as an adult male has nothing to do with God, your parents or anyone else but yourself. You could be happier, you CHOOSE not to. Anyway, I hope you have the respect for these women to do right by them. Take care.

[Asker]

I told her she can be with anyone she wants. She says she wants me even if she finds another man for her kids. Same situation from me. I want her even if I have kids from another girl.
I think we both want each other in the others life but we both don't know what to do.

But thank you you opened my eyes. I will at least not hide my friendship with my wife 🙂. That way may be my wife will be friends with her too and she and I both know that I have someone aside from the start. And my marriage is arranged. So, I cannot contact my future wife

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous of you dude. No woman is going to want her husband staying friends with another woman that he’s in love with and would rather be with but “can’t”. Maybe you’ve just never had a stable relationship so you don’t understand the importance of being a good man, but it’s time to grow up and be that. The Muslim girl does not deserve your selfishness and the fact that you don’t care is just despicable. I can’t convince you to be a good person and I’m not going to try. Just remember god sees everything and he does not like ugly.

[Asker]

Muslim men can marry up to 4 women at a time. I will think about it. You have been a good guide but tell me something. What if my Muslim wife also cheated and was a fornicator what then?
I am just stuck in a miserable situation 😔.
It's an arranged marriage. I am being guilt tripped for over 2 years into marrying first and produce a heir for my parents. My siblings get free passes and I don't obviously 🙄.
I told them I don't want to stay since 2007. I want to go out. My brothers and sisters were given everything. and I get to be the house servant. I have money same as them but I am pushed to do everything from changing water taps to getting official work done. I got academic medals and distinctions and I am treated like shit. My brothers who didn't try hard enough ridicules me okay. Don't I have a heart? If God doesn't like me why I am being treated like trash. I thought all bad things come for bad people later 😔.

I am fed up with the religion of Muslims. They think they are high and mighty and pay bribes and then do all sort of abhorrent things. It's there grave but why am I always treated like a 3rd rate person