What’s your attachment type and how do you deal with it?

[Anonymous]

So there’s three: secure, anxious and avoidant.

I’m an avoidant and if I don’t run away I get into panic attacks 🙂.

How do I deal with it? I don’t.

Updates

+1 y

Guys so good news is - you can change your attachment style with time, effort and different experiences!

I've always been an avoidant but I think it got worse over time.

The reason isn't really my caregivers - my parents always showed up for me funny enough! But I did grow up in a toxic environment, so the idea of having a safe close relationship with ANYONE seems foreign to me. And I feel the need to be independent ALL THE TIME and EVERYWHERE.

[DizzyDesii]

Dismissive avoidant... but I disagree with the difficulty being vulnerable. I’m pretty open (not secretive) and trusting until you give me a reason to no longer trust you. I don’t intentionally seek brief relationships but I will end shit early if I realize you’re not who I thought you were. I don’t think my standards are high, I just refuse to settle. I don’t shut down when triggered. I just snap at you then cut you off. I already know I’m judgmental and love myself more than I should. I definitely had to learn to rely on myself. I value a relationship more than a career, but I also don’t let one interfere with the other. Its called balance and multitasking. I only seek flaws if it feels too good to be true. I can be bossy but never had to be controlling because a lot of the people I tend to date were submissive anyways. I don’t need a relationship, but I want one. I’m emotionally distant outside of a relationship, yes. I don’t fear intimacy, I just don’t give it up easily.

[Asker]

You sound secure no? 😂

[DizzyDesii]

Lol I read secure initially and thought Inwas but when they described the childhood needs only being met some of the time and not all of the time, I realized I’m dismissive avoidant

[ConfessionTime]

I am just like you described yourself

[ConfessionTime]

The controlling part though, I would reframe it as territorial and see things. black and white in terms of what is basic relationship knowledge on how to act

[Asker]

Interesting :D

[DizzyDesii]

@ConfessionTime omg yes i feel the same! I’m big on looking at the bigger picture and i can be territorial if i think someone wants my dude
@itsalyssaagain Are you dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant?

[Asker]

Fearful avoidant :)

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same issue and I am actually experiencing that right now. I haven't had an anxiety attack in years. But I always feel one when I am starting to get closer to a guy. So I choose to run when that happens so the feeling goes away and I feel better.

I just talked myself through the anxiety was just feeling. But I still feel the looming fear of what am I doing with this guy and I'm afraid. I feel like that with every guy. I don't get how people can just exist in relationships and be so comfortable and happy.

I want that but I freak out so much. I know they say it's called relationship anxiety. I've never learned how to overcome it. I usually like to take breaks off my phone. Like I don't turn my phone on for a week. I pray a lot, reflect and battle/soothe the emotions within myself.

I don't talk to that guy at all. But I still feel the anxiety very much. I also noticed I stop eating/I have a hard time eating when it comes to relationships and dating because I'm haywire and my stomach hurts all the time.

I lose a ton of weight and I am so miserable the entire time and I end hating how I am. People around me don't help when they give me a hard time for being skinny. I end things so I can attempt to gain weight without feeling so awful all the time.

[Asker]

You literally just described my life. I am so sorry you have to go through this but you're not alone, I go through the exact same thing.

It's not even just a fear of 'he's going to leave me' -- it's a fear of relationships in general that cause me to spiral.

And it feels very safe to be single and 'run away', but you know deep down something is missing. Especially when you meet with your friends and they're in happy relationships... I wonder what it feels like to be secure.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for mho. I ended it with that guy like I always do! I have talked to so many guys, so. Many. Guys. I have ended it with every single one of them. Though, I have been ghosted before but that's ok because I can't date anyway lol. But actually the guy I was just talking to ended up being a tool anyway so it worked out when I ended it.

We have experienced the same kind of pain. Have you found any interesting articles to read up about this? Or maybe you know some psychology terms about what we are going through? Other than attachment styles.

Do you experience the thing with the eating as well? Yeah same it's the fear of relationships. I agree you fear relationships but yet you want to be in one.

I think though at this point, I am going to be turning 29 in July, I'm just going to accept being single for the rest of my life. I was hoping to get married before my good looks fade but it's so extremely difficult for me that it doesn't seem worth it anymore.

[Asker]

Yes I also experience the eating problem! I tend to lose a lot of weight (and my appetite) when I’m in a relationship 😂 funny enough.

I’m ready some other books about anxiety atm but nothing specifically when it comes to relationships…. I’ll get to that next. But I think my main thing is recognising the problem and then getting professional help with it. I’ve tried therapy before and it’s helped me a bit. It feels nice because you feel like someone actually gets you and they support you in a way that you feel comfortable in.

[Opinion Owner]

I found extremely interesting and informative video that talks about fearful avoidant attachment as well as touching on anxious avoidant and distant avoidant because you can have a little bit of both while also being fearful. It's so fascinating to learn what kind of weirdo you are and how you tick. Check it out, I hope it helps you. https://youtu.be/5jk7PAa8D1o

[Asker]

Thanks so much!! I’m gonna take a look

[RealMarek]

Have you ever had a chance to let a guy you are dating know about the anxiety you feel? I imagine it must be difficult to get to know someone well enough to open up about it while also feeling acute anxiety.

[Opinion Owner]

@RealMarek I only did once but I didn't stick around long enough to see how that would have turned out. I'm not sure if he cared or not. If he just saw it as a red flag, which I don't blame him. I'm a walking red flag with my fearful avoidant attachment style.

[RealMarek]

@mewzinc Hmm…it’s not easy. Perhaps the thing to do is just be up front before getting too emotionally involved with a man that you have this attachment anxiety and see which men are willing to try to accommodate. Being so up front is perhaps easiest on an online dating profile, but could also be done early on when getting to know someone. I think if it scares a guy off, that guy is not really the right match for you. If a man knows he has a way of calming people, he might not view this as an insurmountable problem.

[RealMarek]

I’m secure. One thing that would help is having a very stable, perceptive man who has a way of calming you. Such men might not seem like the most exciting at first glance, but a gentle, quiet strength would be a great quality for you to have in a man.

[Asker]

I totally agree.

[Mewzinc]

He sounds sexy.

[God_of_Thunder]

When I was younger, I was anxious, then as I grew up, and had productive, long term relationships, I became secure. After those relationships royally fucked me over, I've become an avoidant.

It's been a helluva ride. 🎢

[Asker]

Wowwww you’ve done it all 😂

[God_of_Thunder]

Yeah, I had to look them up, first.

I was like, "Yep, that used to be me. That, too. Hey, that's me, now!" 😂

[Asker]

Haha😂 I’ve always been an avoidant. Interesting how things change.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I don't have attachment issues, I have detachment issues. I find it hard to pull away, even from girls I know are no good for me

[Asker]

Sounds anxious lol.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Guess you could say that. I prefer to think of it as lazy

[Asker]

I mean only you’d know at the end of the day

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I don't know shit lol

[Asker]

Haha same

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Lol.

[Andres77]

Face it…start by having backup close…but over time you’ll have it down by yourself

[Asker]

I guess so.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I just took a few minute test and tried to be as honest as possible, it said “Secure”

[Part2603]

Have you considered casual sex? :)

[Asker]

No way

[Part2603]

Ok, I'll really make an effort to focus on what I'm doing.

[Asker]

Lol okay

[KostasKouvalis]

I see. I'm definitely anxious

[Asker]

I didn't know that!

[Tstrbrainer]

I have no idea