Are you the anxious attachment type in relationships?

[Still-alive]

So i have learned a lot about something called Attachment theory and i may write a mytake on it sometime. so what the Anxious attachment style is specifically is im the type where when i feel like the other person might be pulling away from me i tend to pursue them even harder because of my anxiety over them possible leaving me. and unfortunately this in turn tends to push them away even more because anxiety tends to kill the other persons attraction in my experience. I'm not acting like my authentic self and instead reacting to my own anxiety. the other person can usually pick up on those vibes easily.

Anyone else the anxious attachment types? or can at least relate to these issues

Here are the Symptoms of anxious attachment style as an adult
"- Adults with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style might think highly of others but often suffer from low self-esteem.

- These individuals are sensitive and attuned to their partners’ needs, but are often insecure and anxious about their own worth in a relationship.

- If the loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their needs, they might blame themselves or label themselves as not being worthy of love.

- Generally, adults with anxious attachment need constant reassurance that they are loved, worthy, and good enough.

- The strong fear of abandonment might often cause anxious adults to be intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners.

- This fear might also lead them to become desperate, clingy, and preoccupied with their relationships. Adults with an anxious attachment style are often afraid of or even incapable of being alone.

- They seek intimacy and closeness and are highly emotional and dependent on others. The presence of the loved one appears to be a remedy for their strong emotional needs."

Here's a good picture that demonstrates it well

Do you do or worry about any of these?

So im trying to find ways of overcoming my anxiety now that i learned this about myself and become more secure.

Yes i am also the anxious attachment type as well

I have a few of those symptoms but not all

I can relate but overall i wouldn't call myself the anxious attachment type

I am not an anxious attachment type person at all

Updates

1 y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5wMd0_5xw0

pretty good video explaining the typical triggers of those with this attachment style. i can definitely relate to the disregard or dismissive trigger. :/

Updates

1 y

this was a pretty fascinating question. i enjoyed reading all your answers

[BubblyPenguin23]

I have an anxious attachment style as well. I first learned about it from a psych class I took where we went over how people develop attachment styles and it really just boils down to what kind of parental figures they had and how they were raised.

What's worked best for me is super difficult but effective. Basically just being honest and blunt about your thoughts, feelings, anxieties with that other person in that exact moment. My biggest struggle is expressing my emotions or turning them into words but typing them out in detail helps tremendously.

Also critically analyzing situations from a logical stand point. Thinking about what might be the reason behind person A's behavior vs person B's behavior and what would be the logical response to that vs the emotional response that tends to be illogical. Usually, you just have to be more understanding and patient both with yourself and with the other person.

Finally, self love techniques. Buying a book that walks you through those steps, getting a therapist, or simply just going for it on your own. Writing down 3-5 things you admire/love/appreciate about yourself every single day. Looking for traits you would see in others that you would feel positively about that you know you have in yourself but regularly ignore or put down. It can be physical or non-physical. Learn how to have gratitude in daily life, appreciate yourself, be kind to yourself, give yourself small rewards, allow yourself to be proud of yourself. Just small things, baby steps, that build that self-love will help you further develop that stability and sense of self which we often seek out from other people. Fully understanding that we don't find stability in other people, we find stability within ourselves that allows us to maintain healthy relationships with other people. It's not their job to secure you, it's your job to secure yourself.

[DermalPunch]

OMG! I was just dealing with this yesterday. I've nauled it down to this:

• Dad was in and out and would shower me with attention then be MIA for months (totally set me up to find the narc, abuse cycle normal)
• Mom was busy and stressed and would be anxious and moody
• she is in a weird relationship herself
• a lot of race-based discrimination at school
• never thought I was pretty
• had no Dad or brothers so I couldn't weed out the assholes and have been treated very badly in "relationships"

I did manage to get married and have some beautiful kids but I now realise my ex partner saw these deficiencies and I am just now able to recognise that I was mentally and emotionally abused (sometimes physical) for years!

I now like a guy and I found myself pinning the moon and stars on the idea of him. I was like whoa girl... slow down!

It's physically painful at times because that negative self-talk will kick in and I will feel so worthless and unlovable.

You construct peri-delusions in your head. But I was in denial so many years and now I can address them but man its hard.

I need to take a few moments just to cry sometimes.

[Guy13]

No and don’t do well with those kind of people.

[Still-alive]

Do you have any empathy at all for them?

[Guy13]

I have empathy but that does not mean I need to invite them into my personal space or life.

[Alessa13]

I am not this at all, in fact I am the opposite. If someone starts to pull away, I'm okay with that, as often they might just need a little space and not really pulling away.

It helps that I don't really want a long term serious relationship right now in my life though. I am often the one telling guys, don't get too attached to me, cause I won't get attached to you in the same way.

It sounds harse but I have found it is the best way to communicate, be honest and direct. Rather than try to give hints that he somehow thinks he can conquer to get me to be his.

It seems that I am more with guys who have this issue as I don't have it myself.

[annabananna]

So I relate to the anxious type but when I was single I wasn’t clingy or appeared to be. I would sometimes distance myself and if they kept trying to talk to me it made me feel reassured that they wanted to be with me. I wouldn’t distance myself in a ghosting kind of way like if I liked you I would still be there but I might be a bit shorter with my answers to not come across as clingy.

[Still-alive]

I can tell you as an anxious person the short replies would make me feel like you just aren’t interested and id be reluctant to text more to you.

If i was more secure in myself though perhaps my response would be to simply ask once if things are ok and then let you be until you got back to me again. But im not here yet.

[Still-alive]

Id also feel like im texting you too much and smothering you.

[annabananna]

Yea I kinda sucked at dating.

[Still-alive]

Its alright. Its all a learning process like anything else in life

[VIVANT]

I’m anxious avoidant basically when I suspect anything negative I detach & shit down instead of confronting tho I’m working on it.

[Still-alive]

do you tend to ghost as well? i hear avoidants are tend to be the ghosters because actual genuine love is too uncomfortable or scary for them

[VIVANT]

Not on purpose 😭

But when I get overloaded I shut down and even a Text can be impossible almost physically painful. Thing is I really genuinely care a lot about people so I didn’t forget anyone Vern if I’m not in contact I just feel guilty and get paralyzed. By the time I try to make amends they may or may not hate me which is fair

This is why I didn’t say I’m strictly avoidant I’m anxious avoidant. I get preoccupied/ troubled that I’m disappointing them or will or I need space but I can’t communicate or extend myself so it’s sort of worst of both worlds 😂

I think I just get overloaded by emotion easily bc I’m used to being on my own growing up and I may really care for someone but I can’t really imagine things working and very interaction can feel like a mystery and I’m really bad with ambiguity — the impulse is to disappear before stuff goes bad. But then I feel bad so there’s no escape lol

[Still-alive]

"but I can’t communicate or extend myself so it’s sort of worst of both worlds"

oh yeah that would be triggering for me. i need communication lol.

i understand you in a way though. its like we anxious types externalize our pain but you avoidants internalize it more.

[VIVANT]

Oh I’m so Internalized I’m nearly buried 🫥

I can I understand you tho I get the feelings I just go the opposite direction it’s automatic at this point

I had trained myself during my young years s to not get attached to anyone. I never learnt to not care I just learnt to go numb.., and now even if I’m any to be close it’s kinda Intractable. Plus the negative feelings surrounding closeness that incentivized me towards detaching beg er rally disappeared so when I seat to feel close I feel Shawn and it is nauseating and that is I think what makes me pull away

I was doing a lot better getting used to people. Before the Covid lock down but all that isolating brought me right back to my old tendencies which is kind of incredible how rapidly you can snap back it’s like an addiction lol uhh maybe not so funny 🫤

[Still-alive]

well maybe you should try finding other avoidant types as well? i heard those can work since you both need to withdraw. you'd probably understand each other well.

you may want to go for the secure types as well. they have immense patience and understanding of others pains and needs.

but you will definitely want to avoid being with anxious types. apparently that is a common matchup and it hardly ends well. they do this thing called the anxious avoidant trap where the anxious person pursues and the avoidant person pulls away. the anxious person gets more anxious and chases harder. the avoidant person needs more and more space until eventually they ghost.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vv2T9Z7Hg2s&t=68s

[VIVANT]

I actually think the avoidant are the most in need of security. The anxious can at least reach out. Avoidant are stuck stewing in their own mess really or going after empty entanglements which are or can be soul destroying after a while

I’d never I intentionally go after an avoidant. They need to not proceed their feelings well project everything onto their partner. The avoidance isn’t just w/ others but w/ themselves. I didn’t find anything attractive about it they can’t help but play games. No one should be dating avoidants unless extremely well grounded and mature and having healthy boundaries will walk away when it’s time

Avoidant I think are rally fee of own seeking love but can’t deal so they want anxious types bc the emotion form them feeds something the avoidant can’t access within themselves

I’m avoidant but not only so I can see things from different angles and tho I may not be upfront with others I’m very very introspective And aware. I’m a terrible perpendicular w/ avoidant elope bc they trigger my abort mission button. I really can’t stand the behavior of an avoidants it’s often highly fake lacking in accountability volatile and on the delusional side. Avoidants aren’t simply people who like them to themselves they are messed up and can’t relate properly and see quick to get over heated when having to co front anything real, Anxious people also don’t really do well with me bc they outwardly exhibit behavior I run form from within.

Thing is most people are not strictly one or the other usually your partner or environment can elicit more so one over the other or even diff situations in the same relationship

A lot pork feminine and masculine energy it shifts, depending.

[Still-alive]

yes i understand oyu can have elements from different attachment styles. there are times i can feel very secure with myself. but the moment i suspect they might ghost me im right back to being anxious again lol. it sucks.

anyways have you attempted to try to improve your attachment style?

[JaxiCats]

It’s sad because me and my fiancé have some of these signs like we love each other to pieces but I also have some mental health issues at play right now which makes it even harder for both of us because I know I’m draining him emotionally and maybe even mentally but I’m not trying to drain him like that.

[Potteplante]

No, I'm more in the avoidant attachment department - with a hint of anxious. Or I was. Which was exhausting. The fear of being abandoned mixed with the fear of or perhaps the inability to become emotionally close to someone isn't a great mix.

Had all the symptoms you listed + more and a personality disorder - which also weakened my own sense of self so that didn't help the matter at all.

[mobiusforniner]

Yes. And I fell in love with an avoidant attachment woman. Mix anxious and avoidant together and you're in for one hell of a ride. It was, quite possibly, the most tense and passionate relationship i ever experienced.

[xJayleenx]

This was some great writing. I relate to this but I’d say that I’ve gotten better than I used to be I used to cry a lot and was always scared it was quite sad actually.

[Still-alive]

glad you are improving. i will try myself. i definitely want to achieve secure attachment someday. some days i got it others im anxious lol

[xJayleenx]

So I’d say that as tome passes in the relationship you’ll feel more safe. But the beginnings are always scary.

[xJayleenx]

It’s crazy to think that my boyfriend never gets insecure ever he has a rare personality type INTJ so he’s introverted yet self confident it’s quite weird.

[xJayleenx]

Meanwhile i am an isfp what are you by the way?

[Still-alive]

hmm you know i never took one of those tests. maybe i should

[LiamJHayden]

I am the opposite. She starts to pull away I give her a push. I have no interest in not being the choice.

[Still-alive]

mirroring behaviors is generally a good idea as i've come to learn. they pull away you pull away too.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yes, I am also the anxious attachment type as well.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am avoidant, but can get anxious avoidant when I am with another avoidant.

[NostalgiaSenpi]

I don't know. I haven't been in a relationship.

[clampfan101]

I trust who I love unless they shove a good reason to not in my face.

[OddBeMe]

What has she told you?
She’s turned off her gps again.

[Lucy68]

Depends but it can unfortunately happen

[SnowedIn]

I am not the anxious attachment type.

[itsalyssaagain]

I always thought I was secure/avoidant

[JSmuve]

Nah, I'm more of the avoidant attachment

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Yeah thats me

Its sad