How do I teach my girlfriend some manners without coming off as parental or lecturing?

[Anonymous]

She's a good person, but she has no respect for anyone. She even swears around her grandmother when her parents asked her many times not to. She claims it's because she's been through a lot and she's "done apologizing". Which is a very immature way of thinking.
She's only 22. So I can forgive her a little bit, being that her better judgement hasn't quite kicked in yet, but her disrespect runs off on me sometimes.

Like we made plans, then she basically ignored me shortly before we were supposed to meet up, and when I called her out on it she got all pissy and said she had a lot going on. It's like that's fine, but communicate that! A quick text is all I need, it's not that hard. Just to know we're still meeting up or if she needs to cancel.
It's that kinda stuff.

Anyway, she needs to learn some manners and learn a little respect, especially for people who care about her. I'm not ready to give up on her yet, but it will be a dumpable offense if it doesn't get better... soon.

I just don't know how to do it without turning myself into the bad guy

[Dildօphօbe]

Well, first of all, your girlfriend needs to learn some boob manners! She's like a pair of unruly tatas, bouncing around and causing chaos wherever she goes. She needs to learn to rein in those perky peaks and show some respect for those around her.
It's like she's got a pair of disrespectful gazongas attached to her chest, just waiting to cause trouble. Maybe she needs a lesson in boob etiquette, like how to properly cover up those naughty nips in public, or how to avoid accidentally smacking someone in the face with her bouncing bazoombas.
She's like a pair of wild and untamed knockers, just begging to be tamed and brought under control. Maybe you could try gently guiding her towards a more respectful attitude, like a gentle hand guiding a wayward boob back into its bra.
Or maybe you could try using some boob-based metaphors to get your point across, like "you need to learn to support and uplift those around you, like a well-fitted bra does for a pair of luscious lovelies."
Whatever approach you take, just remember that with a little patience and persistence, even the wildest pair of boobies can be tamed. So don't give up hope just yet – with a little work, your girlfriend can learn to be the respectful and considerate partner that you deserve.

Ok those were the words of my beloved @roosterbreast, but I will say you can try thinking of it as her brain regions being active on the wrong side. Like, don't we have regions of our brains responsible for being pissy and stressed? Create the circumstances that will switch things in her head, and it's not about simply telling her to change. It's often about stress and even physiological imbalances, even postural imbalances. You wrote "She claims it's because she's been through a lot..." when she says that shit it means there is tension in her body that forces her to say it.

[Asker]

🤣🤣🤣 she does have some nice boobies. Which definitely plays a factor in my desire to stick with her. Not gonna lie

[WindAtMyBack]

You won't be able to teach her manners. She already knows it.

She is the way she is. She won't change until / if she is ready. You can't change someone, so forget about trying to change her. All you can do is ask yourself if you can accept her for who she is, not who you want her to be. This is true in any relationship. You should never be in a conditional relationship - "if only something about her was different".

Do you love her? Yes or no? Of course there will be things you don't like, but you don't get to pick and choose which parts you love. Either you love her or you don't. If you love her, then love HER. You can want some things to change. But don't count on it, and don't base a relationship on her changing.

Nagging her will not work. It will only make thing worse. And don't use her behavior as an excuse to not love her properly.

[Asker]

I think people her age can still be taught some shit, but I see what you're saying.
Still, I'm not quitting that easy and saying "fuck it" like everyone is suggesting.
I learned a lot from people since I was her age and so can she.

[Asker]

Of course she's not gonna listen to her parents, like most kids don't, but she might listen to me

[Asker]

Although maybe you're right. You can't change people. She might just have to learn the hard way

[WindAtMyBack]

Yes, she can still learn. She'll continue learning the rest of her life. But like I said she already knows this. If you try to talk to her about it, don't think in terms of telling her it's rude. She already knows it, so it will come across as condescending.

I think the best approach is to find the right time, when things are calm, or it comes up naturally in conversation. Then mention how it hurts people, and that she should try to care more about the feelings of others. I'm sure she already knows this also. But a gentle reminder won't hurt, as long as it doesn't become nagging.

Swearing itself is not necessarily rude - since it's really opinion and culture that makes something rude. However swearing, or doing anything else when you know others don't like it, becomes rude. After all, the entire point of manners is to help make those around us feel more comfortable.

She's being rebellious, which is something I know well since I've always been rebellious. She needs to find it in herself. Until she does find it in herself, which she probably will eventually, then there is not much more you can do.

[MJackson1234]

Why are you in this relationship? You know when a girl is dating an f boy or an abuser but she says well you just don't know him like I do. That's exactly how you are coming off. You sound desperate and just way too into her. She curse in front of family and cancel without heads up then move on. Don't text back or invite her to anything and stop taking her in front of family. "Why aren't you inviting me anymore, well I don't like making plans with people that ghost me" "why can't I see your family, well you are too rude". Respect is one of those things that you can never get back once you lose it. She clearly has zero respect for you and sees you as a person that she can walk all over. You can never ever change that. She might act nice for sometime to calm you down and let you relax again but that's how she sees you. So move on and learn from this.

[Asker]

I see what you mean, but it's not like that. It's not something that's constant and she doesn't walk all over me.
Most of the time, she's a super chill and sweet girl.
It's just sometimes when she gets in a "fuck all" mood and feels like she can do whatever she wants.
We all get in those moods sometimes, but we don't all act up.
She just needs a little direction to learn that's not okay. It's an immaturity thing that I strongly feel she can grow out of with a little guidance

[Asker]

But no, I'm not sticking around if it doesn't get better.
I'm not the type to just dip out after the first bad sign either though. It's only been a few months that we've been together

[MJackson1234]

Honestly it's exactly like this. You are also doing exactly like someone that keeps justifying their partner bad behavior. You set up a date with her and she cancelled without a noticed. Someone better have died or be in a hospital. I don't give a damn what mood they are in. I have my own self respect. I am a grown person. I wouldn't have tolerated that as a child. But she is pretty and makes you happy bla bla. That's how toxic relationships happen. Do you think people that are in bad relationships just jump into it with people that beat them up and curse at them. No, it's usually happens with people that made them happy and showed a couple of red flags. She is showing you red flags. It will only get worse. Let's say she can be better. Not the way you are dealing with this. Just from what she is doing and describe her I can tell she is not that into you or has respect for you. If a girl into someone she will divorce her husband just to be available to pick up his call when and if he calls her. Women that are into their prospective men they are into will end their current relationship in a heart beat just to be available. This girl doesn't even text you to cancel a date.

[Asker]

Yeah ok

[Ms_Facesitter]

"I can forgive her for being through a lot" no, no forgiveness, no accepting bad behavior because someone's been through a lot. We all have been through stuff. Life is not easy. Stop sweet talking her poor communication skills like that and drill it in her head that it's not right. If she doesn't curse she won't have to apologize. It's a simple thing to do. I would not bring my boyfriend before my parents if they swore.

[kylee2437]

I’d say a person ignoring you when you had plans set and stone is a good reason to call it quits.

[nolabels]

Run for the hills.

My wife of thirty years has no manners.

[Asker]

Lol, damn 30 years? I wouldn't last more than a year with this

[MJackson1234]

You're lasting so far.

[Asker]

It's been 3 months lady. Settle down

[KrakenAttackin]

She is not a good person.