What do you think about "assumed consent" in relationships?

[richardcory]

This is a follow on from another thread. In particular, if I grab a random woman and kiss her, it is (and should be) assault. But if I grab my wife and kiss her, most (including her) would view it as a romantic gesture. But we've never explicitly discussed what is and isn't OK - it just seemed obvious.

How do you work out these issues of consent in a relationship? Does it work?

To be clear, I in no way suggesting any actions where the other person is clearly non-consenting, this is about cases where consent can be assumed if they say nothing.

[ZiZi_Bell]

I think a conversation is always good to have about this stuff.

Like, in my relationship, there is an assumed consent that if we're home and I'm not doing anything, my partner can initiate almost anything, up to and including sex, without asking me first. Now, this is not universal, it's my experience. And before that behavior began we had a conversation where I explained what I am and am not comfortable with (I'm pretty much comfortable with anything lol).

Lot's of people think it kills romance having to ask what you have permission to do with your partner.
I personally think doing something your partner is not comfortable with kills romance more consistently.

So if you're concerned about it, just sit your partner down and say something like "Hey, I just want to check in. Does it make you uncomfortable when I do x, y, and z? Would you be comfortable with me doing more? What's your limit? I want to be able to surprise you, but your comfort is more important to me."

I personally love conversations like that because it shows care, respect, thoughtfulness, etc.

[provokeesmokee]

Blanket consent is a thing.

But it's never good to assume consent. Even married people need to consent to sex, or it is rape. It's alarming how many people don't realize that.

Now, you can ABSOLUTELY give blanket consent, and should if you want your partner to be allowed and feel comfortable with randomly groping or kissing when the mood strikes.

Likewise you can ABSOLUTELY put conditions on this.

For example, one of my exes HATED pda while we were at his old grocery chain and out of respect for that we didn't touch while we were in there.

Another is my ex girlfriend had my full permission to grope or kiss me while in her apartment any time. I told her so, clearly, because her knowing I gave my consent was important to both of us.

The important part is consent is communicated.

Not every person is comfy with every thing. Each person deserves their own boundaries of consent be identified and respected.

Y'know if you love someone, it's pretty easy to do.

[hahahmm]

There's nothing to work out. There is consent until the other person reacts in a way that says it isn't consensual. The real problem is when people from different cultures come together. In culture #1 where women are super chaste/conservative it's understood that women don't go off in private with a man unless they ARE interested in kissing or more. So if a woman from culture #2 where women assume every man has invisible handcuffs keeping him from being physical unless she signs a contract comes along... into the world of culture #1 she is in big, big, big trouble.

For men living in the 1st world western world today.. I would advise them to not even touch women at all unless they are already married. Anything else could get you metoo'd and put in prison for 8 years on false rape charges.

[razelove]

Holy hell, that something like this can seriously be asked is why I've been seriously considering emigrating pretty much anywhere that is not the West for a couple years now. For my daughters too, Jesus I don't want them in this modern dating world.

[shades777]

yea a romantic frech kiss at the funeral is not ok, but after movie night by all means, the consent is implied because you at the relationships phase, if you ront have consent to smack your own girlfriend or wifes ass, wtf are you doing with your life bud

[gorydetails]

There's nothing to work out. People understand and trust each other in a relationship. If you're in a relationship with someone who would report you for sexual assault if you grabbed their ass as you're walking by, you picked really wrong.

[richardcory]

Is it simple? In some relationships, initiating sex while the other person is sleeping is OK, in others its not. That sort of thing at least needs to be clarified.

[gorydetails]

It’s called communication. Most relationships should have it.

[msc545]

Consent is assumed right up until your wife accuses you of rape, and you go to prison for it.

[In_Trance]

You work out consent by asking. That simple

[Molly1997]

“Peaches”