My friend hits her boyfriend. What should I do?

Question

My parents say it's none of my business, but I feel like I should at least tell someone? My friend/roommate beats-up her boyfriend when they fight, and they fight often. She punches him in the face and keeps hitting or smacking him even when he says "stop hitting me". I'm one of the only people who've witnessed it since they usually do it in their room but occasionally in public. I asked my friend about why they're so bad with each other and she says it's because "he gets on her nerves." She also stalks his location if he breaks up with her and goes to the location to coerce him back into the relationship. She threw his phone on the ground in anger and it smashed.

Is it my business? Should I tell someone or talk to my friend and say something different? She is my friend but I'm not close to him. But I worry about them and care about both of them. I do worry someone's going to go too far and end up dead one day.

lipstickalley3792 · Accepted Answer

Ok this is not ok. I was in a similar situation to this with my boyfriend years ago and this might've helped me.

Talk to the boyfriend and ask if he is alright. DON'T tell him his girlfriend is abusive or talk to your "friend" (who I would lose, by the way, she sounds awful). Because it won't go down well. Often, the victim is being brainwashed as well or is still in love with their abuser despite being abused.

It's tricky because he's not your friend, as you say. Does he still have close friends or family around, or has he been asked to cut them off for her? ( a typical abuser tactic is isolation.) If he still has close friends or family, I would try asking them if they've seen or talked to him and just get them to check up on him (I repeat DON'T MENTION THE ABUSIVE GIRLFRIEND. It won't go well.)

If you do manage to talk to him, make the focus of the conversation on his wellbeing, not on the actions of his girlfriend. He will come to her defence because of cognitive dissonance. When I wanted out of my abusive relationship but felt powerless to, I desperately wanted people-- anyone-- to be there for me even though I'd dumped my friends for my abuser.

I felt trapped. But luckily my sister told me she was there for me and didn't give up on me. She totally made it her business but never criticised my boyfriend. She offered me a safe place to stay should I fight with him again and asked me repeatedly if I'm truly happy in my relationship. Then with the right and ongoing support from her, I managed to leave after a couple of tries.

That is the approach I would go with. You would be doing the right thing, so don't worry about sticking your nose in 'someone else's business.' It is totally your business, otherwise, they wouldn't have involved you in the first place. Good luck and hope things turn out well. No one deserves to be abused.

provokeesmokee · Accepted Answer

Tell his parents and friends, document it, and secretly refer him to men's domestic abuse lines. They're hard to find but if there's men's rights or fathers groups in your city, they might be able to help.

She's abusing him. Your parents are full of shit. It's totally your business. If it wasn't, she wouldn't hit him in front of you.

Good luck to that kid. He doesn't deserve a horrible bitch like your friend.

bolverk · Accepted Answer

Document as much as you can especially if she draws blood, and give him that evidence when you can.

Try to persuade the boyfriend to walk away.

There are few Domestic Violence organisations that cater to men, but if you are in the US you could pass this to him https://www.thehotline.org/resources/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/

The biggest problem he'll have if the police get involved and you are in the US is that the police officers have been trained on The Duluth Model, which automatically has them assuming that HE is the one who is initiating the violence, even when there is clear evidence to the contrary, the only up side to this is they will 'insist' that he leaves the property (the 'insist' means leave or they'll arrest him).

And walk away from your 'friend' as you could be her next target if the boyfriend does walk away.

richardcory · Accepted Answer

Its assault and abuse, no matter what the genders. In many cases its very difficult for men to admit they are being abused because people think that more often its men abusing women.

You say she is your friend. Do you think she knows she is an abuser? Its possible she doesn't recognize it in herself - though most abusers know what they are. Can you tell her that she is an abuser - and of course make it clear you will cut all contact with her if she doesn't stop?

Can you talk to him? See if you can convince him to leave the relationship? He should - abuse should never be tolerated.

This is ever bit as serious as a man who beats his wife.

Also, you may only be seeing a tiny part of what is actually going on.

Guccigabbana18 · Answer

It IS your BUSINESS. Your parents are talking nonsense don't listen to them. If it was a guy hitting a girl, he would've been reported by now and would be hung up to dry. Abusers of both genders are equally dangerous and yes you should report your "friend". And unfriend her. Maybe try talking to her one more time, and then cut her off. She is a toxic person. Encourage him to leave, he doesn't deserve that shit.

joeND · Answer

I would tell her to stop it. I wouldn't care if it ended your relationship with her. You don't need friends like that. Are you sure they aren't into s&m? If she did it to me she would get hit back. A girl was hitting me in the head and face I had headaches from it. I said stop it , she continued so I hit her in the head and said do you like that? how does it feel? she got the message and it stopped. I highly recommend (you tell) my approach (to the guy), with no marks left for evidence it is the only way to stop such a nasty over confident woman. The problem is men hit women we go to jail. Women hit us it is OK in society, this crap has to change did you ever see UFC or WWE women they can kill a man and body slam men.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

It is your business. Someone's life and safety is being put at risk. You need to report her immediately. She deserves jail time just like a man would be if he were the abuser.

Tell his parents, expose her abusive nature and document any bruises or injuries. I wouldn't have a friend like that in my life if they were abusive POS.

Izzy_3991 · Answer

This is domestic violence! Your friend is an abuser.
I would first speak to him in private (no messages or phone calls, face to face). I would ask him if needs help on fleeing from her abuse.
If he says “yes”, I would take the matter to the police. She needs to be charged and have a restraining order on her so she can't contact him or stalk him.
If he says “no”, there isn’t much you can do until he's ready to leave for good.

Bricealan · Answer

I have been there and gad had that done... and here is what I did and what HE needs to do... A girlfriend from college, began pounding me in the arm with her closed fist, in a fit of anger, because she did not like what I did while driving. This occurred while driving interstate, on vacation. I stopped the car, off the road. and told her "Don't you EVER use your fists on me, EVER AGAIN, or we are finished and you can move your ass back to Ohio".

While here in CA, she mouthed "IDIOT" to two Hispanics on the 605 freeway, in an act that could have gotten both of us shot, because they did something they should not have done. I reminded her of her 'beating my arm on the drive here and asked her if I should punch her for her stupid act?

KingslayerC · Answer

Your only responsibility is to get your friend out of the relationship. You can encourage him to call the cops if you think that will help. Just understand that going to the cops yourself can make things worse. Especially when she can just falsely accuse him of DV/SA to protect herself, then HE is the one going to jail or prison. Just for getting beat up.

reds-noro · Answer

You should first talk with the boyfriend about it. If it gets really bad it might be better to just tell his parents and the parents of your roommate.

NoFollowReqestPlz · Answer

Dump the friend and encourage the guy to leave her because she is committing domestic violence. Don't sit back and allow it to continue

Anonymous · Answer

You think any man here would get any sympathy having a 'friend' who beat his girlfriend?

They would be outcast and rightly so.

Your friend is a fucking piece of shit and she belongs in a prison and if you want to side with her then you can go fuck yourself too.

That explain the situation for you?

mommymommymommy · Answer

I know a guy, who, started hitting guys. He's normally really peaceful and a cool guy, but, all the sudden he started hitting guys, and the girls he was around he was being really mean to (this is at a strip club). He's usually pretty good, but, for some reason lately he's been a total asshole. They had to kick him out. It's one thing to be mean to the girls but once you start hitting guys in there, it's not ok

SolitarySolace · Answer

You should implore him to leave her. It’s an abusive relationship and the women always win in the end. So he should get out now before he’s fucked

jahaims · Answer

Stop being friends with her and call the cops when you see it happen. If your boyfriend beat you up wouldn't you want help?

Meropatrick · Answer

Talk to your friend about it. See does he need help does he need to talk does he need guidence

Pudsmucker · Answer

Domestic abuse goes both ways in a relationship at times. Men very seldom file a complaint against their domestic partner. Domestic abuse should always be reported no matter what sex it is being beat.

Billlewis · Answer

Oh my goodness... I wish I could find a woman like that... he's probably much stronger than her, so if he doesn't want to take it anymore, he can always leave. I know that sounds terrible, but you'd be amazed by how many guys secretly enjoy it when their wives or girlfriends punch, kick, hit and even beat them.

Anonymous · Answer

if i did that to my ex he would spank me so hard i'd pee myself... tell him to hold her down when she does that until she calms herself down.

Blueeyes81 · Answer

If it was a male hitting a woman what would you do? Do the same thing.

genericname85 · Answer

nothing. that's none of your business. i'm not saying what she does is right. it's not. but you're not her mommy or her teacher. so not your business.

RoastedToast · Answer

Join in, hit her boyfriend too.

jjj101010 · Answer

If the roles were reversed u would report it to the police. Why is this different?

My friend hits her boyfriend. What should I do?

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