My girlfriend has trouble being wrong, how can I help us get past it?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend (together 7 months) has had some bad relationships in the past, where no matter what she was always told she was wrong. I have experienced similar treatment from my family growing up, so I like to think I can relate. For context she is also a people pleaser, and can be very passive.

So for us when we argue, discuss a topic I know more about, or even just weekend plans. She will often shut down and become extremely quiet and passive conversationally, if she feels like I am saying she is wrong. I find this a difficult situation to navigate, as I’d like to be able to express my view, without it killing the conversation or her feeling attacked. And although I can be understanding of her experiences from previous relationships, I don’t think it is fair to be treated as if I am her ex.

This is something we have talked about a few times. I’ve stated that no one is correct 100% of the time, that being wrong is not a bad thing, and that I am wrong all the time. But I’d like to work through it, and get to the point where it is not an issue between us. And we can converse a bit more candidly.

What I have been trying recently is to pause more in conversations and ask her what she thinks. And address what she said before stating my opinion.

Do you have advice on how I can navigate this situation, and if it is realistic expectation to think this can be gotten past?

[Selene1600000]

This can improve, but only if she also takes responsibility for not shutting down and you both keep conversations emotionally safe instead of trying to “win” or “correct” each other. You are already doing the right thing by slowing down, validating her view first, and then sharing yours, but you also need to gently name when she goes quiet and ask if she needs a pause or reassurance. If it keeps happening despite effort from both sides, a dating coach for men can help you learn structured communication tools to avoid triggering shutdown patterns and keep discussions balanced.

[ProbablyClueless]

Something I've learned from my last 2 relationships is that women's self esteem issues are things they need to solve within themselves. It drives me crazy when women shutdown too. I understand that it's because of past trauma, but that's really not an excuse for not being a functioning adult.

There's nothing you can do (aside from asking her opinion and validating her feelings) to help her get to a place where her brain stop processing things a certain way. She has to decide to get better and do the self work.

[In_Trance]

good luck with that