I see myself kissing him but I don't see myself having sex with him?

[Anonymous]

Let me start off I am waiting for marriage and when it comes to sexual thoughts or having sex I get uncomfortable. I'm so used to waiting and not doing anything that I can't fathom actually having sex one day it makes me nervous.

I am seeing this guy, I like him and I can see myself kissing him. However having sex makes me uncomfortable, I don't see myself having sex with him. Maybe I should give myself more time to get more comfortable around him. We've only had one date and we are both looking for something serious. We both want marriage.

So I should take my time with things, shouldn't I? It's just I was talking to my friend who has been with her boyfriend for five years. She told me on the first date she knew she liked him, she could picture herself kissing him and having sex with him. However my friend isn't waiting for marriage and so she had sex with her boyfriend for the first time at a certain point in their relationship.

For me I don't feel that way and I feel like something is wrong with me. I grew up in a none sex positive home. My parents really went out of their way to make sure I never ever did anything before marriage. I feel nervous about sex. However I have had celebrity crushes where I would think about how sex would be with the guy and I never felt nervous I always felt turned on.

But seeing the guy who I am dating physically in front me and thinking about it makes me feel strange. Is something wrong with me? I do want to have sex with my husband and I want to enjoy it but I'm scared.

[MrOracle]

First, you need to recognize that you were taught the wrong thing. Yes, pre-marital sex is problematic - that part was reasonable - but having sex with your husband is a beautiful, wonderful thing - but it seems that they didn't teach you that part. And so you're freaked out about it, because you were taught to be. And it's surprisingly difficult to change your thinking against what your parents taught you, even when you intellectually know that what you were taught was wrong. As children, we are completely dependent on our parents for our safety and survival, so what our parents teach us has tremendous gravity. We have to remember that our parents are human too, and they make mistakes, and we can't perpetuate their mistakes just because they're the ones who taught us.

In other words, it's time to grow up and be your own person. I'm sure the vast majority of what your parents taught you was right and good, but those few things that were wrong need to be let go of, and you need to recalibrate your morals and values in those areas.

The reason you are struggling to see your boyfriend that way, when you could think of movie stars that way, is because the movie stars were just a fantasy - there was no real "threat" of anything actually happening - but your boyfriend is a real, flesh-and-blood man in the real world, and so sex with him can ACTUALLY happen, and that freaks you out a little. That's because of your parents, who, even though they meant well, kind of screwed you up. And as an adult, you have to mentally change your thinking, and if you struggle to do that on your own, then you may need to seek some therapy to help you.

[Asker]

We aren't official yet. We just met two weeks ago and are dating and getting to know one another. I have been trying to think about having sex with him to get myself to accept that it's ok. Well I'm religious so thinking about lust is a sin so its bad that I'm doing that. However, maybe it's working?

I just wanted to ask you one more thing if you don't mind. So I'm not sure if I want to make things official with him. I want to take my time dating him and take things slow. But I don't know when we should have our first kiss. We've been on one date and I dont kiss on the first date so I'm glad he didn't try anything. I'm thinking like if I kiss him we should basically become official at that point. Because I feel weird to kiss a guy then immediately end things with him before we even become official. I don't know if I am making the kiss too big of a deal. I feel like I would be a whore if I kiss a guy who I'm not even in a relationship with and I don't even know if I want to be official with him yet I still need time figuring it out. But I don't want to jump the gun and get into a relationship with a guy before dating him for a few months or so. I feel this pressure, like when should I kiss him? I like him, I feel attracted to him. We have a connection. I just don't know what to do.

[MrOracle]

My recommendation is to communicate with him. Let him know that you definitely feel attracted to him but that it takes you some time to figure out and trust your feelings (and, hopefully, your vetting process) and that you hope he can be patient with you. Not all guys are, but it's easier if you know that you aren't wasting your time (and effort and money) on a girl who really isn't interested in you.

Having said that, you can't take forever to figure these things out. Dating comes at a cost to him too, and if you string a guy along, he's going to feel used too.

The important thing is that you are vetting him. Investigating his morals, values, and life-goals and making sure they are compatible with yours, because no matter how much you are attracted to him, if those things aren't in alignment, you have no chance to sustain a relationship with him. Plus, if he's not interested in marriage (or kids, or other important things about life, such as religion, finances, family obligations, where you'll live, your lifestyle expectations, etc.), then it's just not going to work.

Don't expect to get the best or most ideal of everything - you never will - but figure out what's important in the LONG term (different things may seem important short-term, but they're irrelevant long-term), and make sure there are no huge red flags on the most important things, and be prepared to make some compromises on a few less important things. That's how successful marriages (and families) happen.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you need therapy. This doesn't sound normal.

[Christoff92]

So kiss him then and and give him the goosebumps