How do I even approach this?

[Anonymous]

Something felt off so I checked boyfriend's phone. In his texts messages were texts between a guy friend of his and my boyfriend. It was obvious that something sexual happened between them. My stomach and heart dropped when I saw my boyfriend's text about enjoying going down on each other and butt stuff. boyfriend and I moved in together a month ago and are supposed to be getting married. There was also Grindr app which is apparently a gay hookup app. Now this changes everything. My boyfriend presents himself as a conservative straight man who is "so in love with me" and because of having been cheated on in a past relationship, this hurts even worse. It turns out we have been living a lie. Why am I not enough? I love this man and am devastated. How do I even bring this up?

[Anonymous]

He's cheating. Approach it that way. Him liking guys and girls is not an excuse to lie to one so he can secretly get with both at the same time. That's shitty and you don't deserve that.

Bi people are perfectly capable of having healthy monogamous relationships, so if you want to try and continue this one he'll have to stop cheating immediately and you'll both have to figure out a plan for rebuilding the trust he broke. If this isn't something you want to try to fix, or he isn't willing to try, or it just isn't fixable... then you're going to have to call it. Either the cheating needs to stop, or the relationship needs to end, or else neither will and it'll just together worse. I'm sorry.

[sheikalana]

Wow this is a serious matter that needs to be address ASAP. He’s clearly gay or bisexual a straight men would never use Grindr. I would have to be really honest with him put my pride aside and confess that I went through his phone and what I found. Breaking things off would be the only option in this case since you can’t turn a gay person straight. I’m sorry to say this but there’s no future in your relationship.

[Tim2nice]

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Your boyfriend being gay or at least bisexual isn’t your fault. Now, you have to quickly think about the situation. Your boyfriend might love you but he’ll always crave sex with men. Would you be happy to marry him and share him with other men? If not tell him it’s over between you and call off the wedding.

[Joker_]

approach it with care and the necessary diligence

[Rainbow_Boy]

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. Your words resonate very closely with me, because I have been in your boyfriend's position in the past. I grew up with undeniable attraction to men, which I suppressed for obvious reasons during my adolescence and early adult years, i. e. to please society.

At the same time, I had some misplaced attraction towards women as well, which worked to confuse me and made me make choices that were, in retrospection, not to my best interest. I dated and married my ex-wife because of that attraction, which, I thought for a long while was sexual in nature. But, my true attraction to men never left my psyche, and my ex-wife could always sense that something was terribly wrong with me regarding our relationship. So, sooner than later, we got divorced, and I came out gay right after that. Since then, I've had relationships and sex only with men, and been happier than ever.

In your boyfriend's case, it appears that he already acted on his gay impulses even before he got married. The truth is any man who tries gay sex is extremely likely to try it again, if not remaining hooked to it. Also, based on what you read in his messages, he enjoyed what he did, so based on my experience, he will never be a straight man again. Whether he ends up bisexual or gay may be inconsequential to you, if you want a devoted boyfriend or husband in your life.

So, my suggestion is to have a civilized discussion with him and break up as soon as possible. He is gay and will almost certainly remain gay. I know that is additionally harder to admit for a conservative-acting man, but it is also to his best interest to come into terms with his homosexuality as soon as possible.

Please feel free to write back if you'd like to discuss this further from the perspective of a gay man. I've had similar discussions in the past with many other women with gay boyfriends/husbands. It's a problem that is much more common than people think.

[Asker]

Ok. It's just strange. Why wouldn't he just come out instead of wanting to marry me and play house? I have 3 kids from a previous marriage so it's not like I'm the ideal woman with my baggage. If he's gay then could he just be wanting to use me and my kids as a cover to pretend to be a family man?

[Anonymous]

i've seen this happen many times with guys who get married just to cover it up.

guy or girl, he's still cheating on you. you need to mention it. but first apologize for going through his phone, but this is some serious stuff that needs to be addressed right now.

[DannyUk2017]

How to approach it? With wrath!