Why are healthy relationships so HARD?

[Drooogie4]

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues.

I'm grateful for his stability and struggling with the lack of mine being put in the spotlight.

[caring__1]

Can you speak Swahili? If you say "no," then just try. You say you can't, as you've never been taught Swahili. How is this any different from being in a healthy relationship? People assume they already have all the knowledge they need to have a healthy relationship before they are ever taught the basic skills. Anything is hard when attempted before knowledge is acquired.

You say "Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to." We want communication, yet we fear the unknown. The only way to eliminate this fear is to eliminate the unknown. By getting the education, the fear dissipates. Find a therapist who is qualified to teach you basic communication skills. It's amazing how many people are reluctant to do something so simple. The longer we delay getting the knowledge, the harder it is to follow through and make the change. Just compare how much easier it is to quit smoking when you've been smoking for a week than when you've been smoking for 20 years. The longer the pattern exists, the more challenging it is to change it. That's the reason therapy works best when people seek it out before life changes rather than after problems have already been established.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man relationships are tough! Like you said, it makes total sense that stuff from our past would get dragged up when we're with someone healthy. That other person is probably used to dealing with their own issues, not ours too.

I can see how it would feel weird going from being the "stable" one to dealing with your own junk. Maybe we've been so used to hiding stuff or distracting from it with dysfunction, that having someone truly caring makes it impossible to avoid anymore. Gotta face the music I guess.

It's cool this guy chooses to communicate, but yeah adapting to that can't be easy. Going from old toxic patterns to a new healthy way of doing things takes work. Props to you for putting in the effort though, even when it's bringing up rough stuff. That shows maturity.

And don't be too hard on yourself for not having it all figured out yet. We're all works in progress. As long as you keep trying to understand yourself better and treat him right, that's what really matters. He clearly cares about you too if he's sticking around through the difficult parts. You've got this! Just take it one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Because of the gender war going on. Things have changed.

[boggboss]

Because just like anything else that made to last or be serious it takes effort and time to cultivate people are under this illusion they they are always ready for somthing serious when it comes to dating and when they find the right person it will just click and work effortlessly but making a relationship even a healthy friendship takes time and care when people come across someone that is truly worth it they tend to see how their own actions don't match up to what they always wanted from others which is not inherently bad if they are prepared to change

[Yannae]

It takes two to work on that relationship. You learn the other person's love language and have her understand yours, your likes and dislikes, your plans together, it all takes time and effort and a lot of communicating. A fight isn't the end of a relationship, it can be if you're unable to work together.

[exitseven]

It is hard for two different people with separate lives and different experiences to somehow get their lives to work as one. Relationships are often awkward and messy things. People have differences and habits that are not compatible with others.

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Because most women seek what they want, not need. In short, you're your own worst enemy. Some women learn this quickly, some women learn this slowly, and some women... never learn this.

[ThrillSeeker01]

It's hard to share some things, and it's different for everyone.

[jahaims]

They aren't.