I am just sitting here, mourning my last relationship and every experience I've ever been through.
Why does it seem so hard to meet someone you're attracted to, and then for both of you to take the time and effort to learn about each other and what feels good and what triggers you, and then actually implementing that into the relationship and communicating?
Why is it that every guy I date doesn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve?
Why do men just do whatever they want and not care about how I feel?
Not answering texts until hours later, acting like they possess me, giving me the silent treatment...
I just feel so hurt.
Nobody warned me about just how tough dating with the intention of marriage really is.
I wish I had known because I would've avoided everybody.
I am not far from being 25 years old and have not met a single decent man in my life.
How do people even go into happy relationships and date someone that makes them feel good about themselves rather than shitty?
I think they are hard as you make them. It seem like we see someone that we think is beautiful or hot and we get cought up in the way people look and somewhere down the road we realize what they look like. And who they really are. They are for sure not the same person There has been many times where I will meet some one and we have been standing right in front of each other for a few days
I could be talking to a friend about this person and they will ask what do they look like.
There have been times I can give the color of their eyes or their hair maybe their height. I might say I'm pretty sure they're good looking I don't no but yes I'm pretty sure they are and they just kind of blows me away when that happens Anymore I want to know exactly who you are on the inside I want to know who you are within five minutes deep inside this whole the spirit the energy your heart because that's who you truly are and if I'm compatible with that person on the inside in The Outsiders just saw an extra bonus
The other thing I noticed is when a person really likes you he's going to go with the flow but if a person just wants what they want and they want to try to control everything that's usually where the problems start When I meet somebody I try not to date them because that's just not who I am I mean I like to go places I like to do things I like to have fun but I want to do it as a friend maybe as a lover but not as a date dates hold me back they make me become somebody that I'm not and I don't like that I like to be me and have fun and just be the real me For me when I date somebody I have to be on my best behavior and that's just not me LMAO I mean I don't mind being that person but not when I'm out with the girl I want to be free I want to be open if I think of something funny want to say it. If it's stupid I want to say it and if your fast and have a dry since of humor you will know what I mean by being a smart ass. I want all my cards out on the table this is me. This us what you get. And in time I will really let you see my heart in many different ways. Been in relationships that we never had an argument for 3 years to 4 years
I'm a people watcher and I watch people communicate talk do whatever they do I have always noticed that there is somebody that's trying to be in control of the other person and it's just not going to work that way for me anyway. But if you're in competition if you try to control or manipulate the person you're in a relationship with it's never going to work I don't know for a fact but I look at everything you said And what it tells me is don't be upset don't be mad don't be sad you need to be happy and almost Thank the person for doing it now instead of 6 months or a year down the road
So I guess what I'm trying to say is just be a friend you good friends at first that thing's just take their own course You can't really start dating somebody and then find out who they are Because that is always going to break your heart. .
Well this is one of those answers you're going to have to read between the lines because I still haven't said what I was trying to say
because were all different and have to learn to communicate and work with each other. people are in different places emotionally.
western culture has a lot of garbage influences in it. Where are boys prepared to be men... church, at home?
You are picking them... from your sub conscious mind. Why are you pulling the ace of spades each time? that may be part of the problem. then again, the pool to select from may be low quality. It's not easy, even when you are in a good place, seen women in their 40's scratching their heads trying to sort it out. they are out there... I meet good quality young guys. maybe you can't see them due to your issues?
Relationships take some work. starting with someone of similar values and desires is good start. Working with them through their obstacles if any. Ideally it shouldn't be this hard, but this is a messed up culture. Those where parents pick some options for you, probably avoids a lot of this.
Texting - you should be smacked for saying the word "text" because it's a terrible form of communication that everyone is adamant about using. Beyond that, you both need to work out communication protocols. stop having expectations about texing wtihout some consistent reinforcement of behaviors. The real issue is you aren't getting what you are putting in, because you have a strong drive and they don't. That's fair, and it's good to understand the other person... some guys are not ready and it's hard to push a bull stuck in the mud.
Why... because our society is screwed up, the boys are trained on video games which is where they eat dinner... over their laptop, not with their parents... if they even are around. they don't go to church or understand it, to build some sense of values. They're addicted to junk, poorly socialized, and have poor male figures. not all, but some. Their idols are tv actors and rock stars. their testosterone is low. go figure why you are having difficulty...
crying for a while, then decide what the things are you can do about it. its frustrating to not get what you want, deserve, demand. that is hard, part of life.
1. There is no perfect man, obviously; but really take those imperfections to heart and know what it entails. Listening, emotional intelligence, patience, compassion, empathy are all skills most men do not possess, especially in their first few serious relationships. Most men don't start getting serious in learning those skills until they're in their 30s; of course there are exceptions. My advice, sit down with yourself and be real on what you need vs what you want to keep you happy in a relationship. As in, you want compassion and listening, but can handle helping him learn patience, etc later or can live without this or that. Learn your limits and how to take the bad with the good.
2. Now your core values and pick a man with the same core values, and have those important conversations early. Conversations like religion, finances, family, health history, marriage, etc. You'll be shocked how many people get married yet know so little about their partner.
3. Understand that relationships have stages. 1st stage is always the honeymoon where everything is new, sexy and fun, which could last upward to 2 years or less and after the infatuation wears off is when the real relationship begins; try not to make any big decisions during this stage.
4. Read: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men and women think and process information differently, and it would be foolish to ignore that fact. Now that you're single, get the upper hand by learning how to communicate better with the opposite sex.
I can make this really simple for you. It may not help right now, but it will in the long run.
You just haven’t met your one yet, you keep meeting the wrong ones, that’s why it’s not working, that’s why you have all these negative experiences, and have all these bad things to say about these people, because they are not right for you!
Once you meet the right person for you it will just fit and work, and these things you are feeling won’t be there, it will all just click into place. It will be a happy and fulfilled relationship. One where they treat you right, and with respect, because they love and care for you. They just want to see you smile and it will come very easy for them.
But as of now these people haven’t been it, they haven’t been the key that fits your lock, they are just fill ins.
Maybe you need to be a bit more picky. Maybe you need to make a list of things you will accept and will not. Things you want and don’t want. And make sure you get the person before going into the relationship. Maybe start off as friends and develop the relationship as a friendship and really get to know them well.
Take these relationships as learning lessons for the future and don’t let them be burdens and be hurt by them. You have a whole life ahead of you to look forward to.
"Why is it that every guy I date doesn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve?" The real question is "why you select and date guys who treat you so poorly?"
"Why do men just do whatever they want and not care about how I feel?" Why do you continue to date such guys?
"Not answering texts until hours later, acting like they possess me, giving me the silent treatment..." Break up with them and don't tolerate rude behavior.
"I just feel so hurt." You should feel hurt but, with the experience you now have, you should be thinking about approaching things differently.
7
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
1 y
"Why is it that every guy I date doesn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve?" This is something modern women keep pushing, NO. You dont deserve special treatment unless you have EARNED that special treatment. I am with someone and we make each other happy. But I would NEVER have been with her if she hadn't EARNED my respect. That's a fact. Jesus, who is raising you girls today? Here's the truth. You are owed NOTHING in this life. If you want respect you must first accept that all things in life MUST BE EARNED. Doesn't matter if it's respect, money, love, whatever. That's earned with time and patience and cultivation.
"I am not far from being 25 years old and have *not met a single decent man* in my life." Yeaaaaaaa right there, that says it all. This is arrogance, pure and simple. You haven't met a single decent guy? Or just not single decent guys that you're into. And why are you into them? The mystique? The attitude? The way they carry themselves? If he looks like a bad boy, dresses like a bad boy, talks like a bad boy, acts like a bad boy...*drum roll* he IS a *BAD* boy. A question women HATE answering these days: "What do YOU bring to the table?" Seriously ask yourself that. If it's just looks, a vagina, and a smile you WILL FAIL every time with a quality man.
You need serious depth and you will NOT get by on your looks. Only weak, desperate fools will get all googly eyed for a girl based on looks and give her the world off the bat. Nuh-uh, that's not how the men with depth of character and integrity roll. What distinguishes you from the next girl a man you like can/will sleep with? I'm genuinely curious as to why you feel you deserve this special treatment? "acting like they possess me, giving me the silent treatment..." if you actually picked a decent guy? It's called WORK. He can't be catering to you 24/7. If you want that then get a cuck to do that for you. Men work, men earn their way and women have made sex f'n easy thus making the value of ALL women go down. That's just the repercussions for the loose society we live in now. Don't blame men, you ladies have taken the reigns of your own sexual private life and now there are consequences.
Lol it is not that hard , actually. I am gonna explain it really shortly in here. Look at the old loves that our elders have had in the past , you could watch the black-white films and easily notice that everything is all about purity , clean , respect , loyalty , sacrifice , feelings , meaningful or etc. that true love includes... I really think that old films reflect the general mindset or the way people live their life and also how beautiful these days were and films are really helps us to get it , right? So as a conclusion , we have lost our values , just look at the elders marriages they last much much longer and much more happier when compared to marriages are today. Cuz they were not including flirt , texting , living together , sexual intercourse before marriage , only based on physical attractiveness , money , physological statue , social media and so many ridiculous things that I have not mentioned in here , so we need to listen to our elders guys , that is the actual point to the happiest relationships ends up marriage ;)
Thanks a lot. But the appreciation is a different thing , just by logic and observation objectively helps us to get this result , I think. If something is a good example of what we are dreaming of so why not thinking of it , right? What about it? Anyway , I wish everyone meets his/her soulmate someday.
Relationships SHOULDN'T be hard. When they are, that means you are with the WRONG people. And your questions are a testament to that. The thing is, you have to actually LEARN from your mistakes and stop getting with men who treat you poorly. Because honestly speaking, it sounds like you're just attracted to men who treat you like this. You have the power to learn and make the change.
The time my relationships were hard were exactly with toxic people who had issues they themselves needed to fix before they were actually ready for a relationship. I learned from those failed relationships and made sure I found a woman who is nothing a like to my exes. My current relationship is actually very easy, fulfilling and energizing. Why? Because I learned to NEXT potential partners who show signs of toxic traits.
I felt the same as you. I would go dating girls. Most wanted either a free meal, drink, a good time or whatever. They didn’t actually like me for me. So it’s not just men. But I had to realize, if changed my mindset, that it would be better off for me. So I went in having no expectations of the person. Only for myself. If I saw two or three red flags in the beginning, I ended it. Got a lot of nasty letters and such, but I know what I wanted and what I was looking for. And if the girl didn’t match up from the jump, I’m not wasting my time. Some of my friends would ask me why I broke up with (what I believed and also they) a 10/10. And why we didn’t get sexually involved. Mostly on me not going after that, because once I grew up, it was more than that. You will need to change your mind set. I here that a lot, “men need to treat me how I deserve to be treated…” but your mindset of what you deserve and what he believes is different. You treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated, and you treat him the way he wants to be treated. And you need to communicate how you want to be treated. If he doesn’t reciprocate that, then don’t waste your time. You control that. Not him.
You can blame Feminism and the predictable male reaction to being hated on and discriminated against by a Feminist system from the day that men are born. Feminism has created a mindset in Western women that decent marriage-minded men find repulsive. The type of woman who you said you were was the type of woman for whom I looked when I was your age. I did not find her. I could almost not get a date, because I was not a player who wanted to pump and dump. Well-intentioned young men, who are looking for a wife, learn quickly that young women want players, scumbags and arseholes. In response to this demonstrated female preference, an increasing number of men of all ages have given up and no longer try to date to find a wife. Consequently, women, as a collective, are the architects of their own misery. For you, may I suggest that you attend some Christian churches. Study of the Bible has led me to prefer the Baptists and the Church of Christ, although neither are perfect. Just my picks of a theologically imperfect bunch. If you are going to find marriage-minded men anywhere, it will most likely be at a church, because Christianity teaches marriage.
1) many women are imprinted to be kind, caring, and to always give the benefit of the doubt to people who don't deserve it.
In reality, for many women raised in kind trusting households, dating gets a lot easier when you become disagreeable and value your time enough to break things off over yes, stupid dumb shit like punctuality, ability to plan, and general enthusiasm.
Relationships are hard and people aren't treating you the way you deserve, because you are letting someone waste your time instead of looking at who else is standing behind that guy.
2) Of course that comes from self esteem and a little faith - the undying belief that someone better IS coming. Most people get stuck thinking what they have today is better than their ex, but that doesn't mean that what you have is intrinsically valuable - they could still be a shitty person, or a good person who is a shitty match to you.
Most people really are simple creatures. If they like you, they text back, if they really like you, they text first and male plans to connect be it a hangout, a phone call, or whatever platform is popular.
Don't waste your time over someone who doesn't text back. When you talk about valuing your time and cut suitors out accordingly, it's surprisingly easy to find Mr. Right. He's probably only medium confident. Probably shorter than you would have noticed. But he's a good fella you just have to believe in your own worth and say no to everyone else.
Because most people nowadays have had some kind of traumatic experience in their parts and with that in mind people go dating. Men and women fear similar problems like being hurt, used or neglected. The problem is that because of hurtful experiences women usually have a problem to trust a guy because they often felt that their guy could be cheating on them. Guys on the other hand have an issue of not wanting to open up because they fear that if they open up too much and too quickly a woman with use him, walk over him and would live him arguing his too much of dramaqueen and she can´t have respect for him hence he´s being too emotional. Because both genders have built a supicion that the other gender just could use them for something it´s hard to find a partner. That´s also why guys play around because many of us fear commitment and opening up because we´re not sure a woman doesn´t use us for something. Another reason why guys play around is because they have the option to since they always meet women that give them enough attention they want to keep them happy without having the need for commitment.
The underlying problem is social media. Girls get blown up by simps and pathetic males on there and rate their attractiveness higher than it actual is. Worse yet, attractive men will tell these girls what they want to here so they can sleep with them.
So 5/10 think they are 7/10. And when a 7/10 sleeps with her she actual believes her level of attractiveness is a 7/10.
Thus, thanks to female hypergamy, these women will not settle for anything other than a 7/10 male in their youth and only go for their looks match after they have been accumulated emotional/mental trauma, don't feel good about themselves and their looks are going downhill.
Now where does it leave men. Many men either become bitter and become player's in their 30's, turn off from dating entirely and focus on themselves or give into these female demand and end up beta providers.
Now males aren't the problem that you are alluding to in your post. There are tons of decent guys that open up, loving, kind, and will treat women right. However, vast majority of women don't appreciate these men until they are burnt out of being played and want to be in a relationship where they feel that they are in control of the male and he won't leave her.
@Lookingforthetruth I´m generally no fan of rating people because that´s highly subjective. I´m harsher on guys because I´m a guy and because guys claim to wanna take the role of being providers and problem solvers. I´m also harsher on guys because the guys I see that claim to be decent, humble and nice people often times are also the guys that can´t take the role in the relationship that they would like to have (being the leader/dominant...) or are sleeping around to either enjoy themselves or figure out who they are. by the way I´m not talking about the 15% of most attractive guys on the planet. I´m not saying women are innocent because women also make mistakes mostly because they give players/pathetic guys attention they don´t deserve hoping their love would change the guy into a man. That way they break their own heart and give more them than they should. Dating has never been easy and it is more than often a game of luck. I´m harsher on guys because in my experience most guys are passive and lazy when it comes to prepare for getting in a relationship and lead your life in a way that there are other hobbies than hunting, video games or porn. Plus guys are more than often hypocritical because on the one hand they complain that women just go after the attractive guys on the other hand they also just go after looks and give all their attention to the beauty queens.
@SimpleGuy95 It seems you are harsher on men because you have been program by gynocentric society to blame men and treat them with harsher sentences. You are still blue pilled and not keen to the truth of treating both men and women equally and objectively.
Stats don't lie. 30% of men under the age of 30 are sexless (and this was back from a study in 2018). In addition, when we look at online statistics, 10% of men get most of the female attention while 50% of women get most of the men attention online. Thus, showing that men aren't the vain shallow creatures that only chase after beautiful women that you have been lead to believe.
Men would like a beautiful girl to be their girlfriend/wife but that isn't who they only chase. Men are ok and fine with a woman being 5/10 if she has a great personality and is feminine. Hell, there is a female youtuber who did just that and she is now pissing off modern day women for choosing to be a housewife.
Like I said, the problem aren't the men as there are lots of men who want LTR/marriage and to spend their life with women. However, too many women don't see these men as romantic interest and are choosing to keep getting pump and dump by top 20% of males and only give these men a shot later in life when they are shell of their former shelf.
@Lookingforthetruth Could be so or I just different priorities because I don´t see much of a problem in 30% of men under 30 being sexless because sex is neither a human right nor something one´s entitled to. It´s surely so that women´s expectations and standards have changed in terms of what they´re attracted to and there are many men that are desperate to find a girlfriend. But I still can count down a number of average looking guys that are in a relationship because in the end dating involves a lot of luck.
"Why does it seem so hard to meet someone you're attracted to, and then for both of you to take the time and effort to learn about each other and what feels good and what triggers you, and then actually implementing that into the relationship and communicating?"
Because the probability of meeting someone you're attracted to that is also attracted to you is already quite small. Then the probability that you're both looking for the same things is small. Aaaaand the probability that you're both emotionally intelligent enough to have a successful relationship is small as well. Multiply all those probabilities together and you get a number that leads you to grab another box of kleenex.
"Why is it that every guy I date doesn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve?"
Your poor taste in men, perhaps. Or they're just playing the field to find their best option.
"Why do men just do whatever they want and not care about how I feel?"
Because 1) they're either selfish assholes, 2) they've been conditioned that way by women who did whatever they wanted without caring about how the guy felt, or 3) they're just casually seeing women to play the field. Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Because we grew up differently, may have been taught different things, believe different things. We'll never be completely alike. Two lives meeting will ask for a change from the both of us, let go of certain habits and make new ones, make time for eachother. A mistake is the love phase. He's just amazing. But if it ends in a toxic relationship, there actually were hints during that early love phase that we chose to ignore. Seeing him through love goggles, it's deluded. Why do men do this that that. You have got the wrong man. We have to get rid of those goggles during that early phase to avoid future letdowns Another thing is pride. We will make mistakes, we will have to solve them. The silent treatment is easy, but we have to be the better person and resolve the problem instead of letting it sit. Blaming someone is easy, but we also have to look at ourselves. We have to work together.
My key ingredients are having no love goggles on while dating and keeping an eye out for signs you don't like and two once you got past that phase and actually found a good man, swallowing our pride and make time for eachother, addressing things right away/
Relationships based on desire and not on necessity are difficult because people are fickle and their desires change with the wind. This is why pathological independence and "individual rights" was a really, really bad idea.
In the modern "developed" West, men and women "no longer need each other to survive." (I put this in quotes because women do need vital male-dominated industries in order to survive, but they can now reap the benefits of said industries without submitting themselves to a husband) So as soon as a man or woman stops being fun or whatever, and the costs of "maintaining a relationship" with them begin to outweigh the benefits, they can be discarded.
If Western women aren't cool with that, maybe they should have thought about the consequences of policies like female suffrage and no-fault divorce and Title 9 and the Duluth Model before they demanded their implementation.
Enjoy your "rules-based order," Westerners. And remember, you're the most free people on Earth with the most rights and the best moral values lol...
1
0 Reply
Anonymous
(25-29)
1 y
Woe is me. Must be terrible bouncing from relationship to relationship to find “the one”. You will only ever be treated as well as you allow yourself to be treated. A guy literally can’t do anything to a woman without her consent. You have all the power in a relationship and cry because you can’t find a guy who will treat you how you want? Who’s to blame? Women. You can thank women for being such cheap promiscuous sluts. Why would a guy treat a girl well who has a high body count, is easy to have sex with, drinks/smokes, isn’t fit, etc. Women these days have no respect for themselves but demand respect from others. It’s pitiful. If you want good men, wait until marriage for sex. Stop going after attractive men only. Maybe find a religious guy who has strong ethical and moral values. Don’t move in together until marriage. Be nice and kind to him. Stop texting ex’s and other guy friends while in a relationship. Stop wearing promiscuous clothing. Get off your phone and social media for a bit.
1
1 Reply
Asker
1 y
I’m literally a virgin and was single for 2 years.
"Why does it seem so hard to meet someone you're attracted to, and then for both of you to take the time and effort to learn about each other and what feels good and what triggers you, and then actually implementing that into the relationship and communicating?"
Because you keep chase after the top 20% of males over and over for commitment who can swap you out with other women and don't really care about you. At best you'll get a 5 year relationship from them (if they feeling for the boyfriend role) then dump you for a new model.
"Why is it that every guy I date doesn't give me the kind of treatment I deserve?"
See point 1 above. If you want the guy who gives you those treatment see the men you have friendzoned.
1
1 Reply
Asker
1 y
The thing is these guys actually do want to commit to me
What you stated there, men think as well... why does she not care, and all of that.
Relationships are hard, because people are naturally selfish it seems. Think of their own desires. Even thinking you deserve something shows exactly that.
Two people looking for their own desires, often ignore the others.
Then these days a lot don't seem to want to work through problems, they just... my way or I'm breaking up with you.
It is hard to find someone that you have things in common with, and you hit it off that will do that.
I think people are more selective too, they don't want to compromise.
You are still very young! I got married when I was 27 and it was mostly b/c I had gotten pregnant and I didn't want to move back home. My husband was 36 at the time. The baby turned into a miscarriage and I still didn't know my husband very well. We just liked to have sex and party. But I grew to love him. I've been w/him now 11 years, married almost 9. Someday u will find a partner. Sure, this generation is a little different, but there are good men out there. Don't pay attention to how society portrays wealth, status, and materialistic bullshit as how to pick a partner. I still think construction workers are sexy.. they make good money too. But.. u have to hold ur half also. Guys look at that. If u can't cook, clean, work, or do the simple housewife things, yet u expect him to take care of u financially? Ur out of the picture.
Relationships are hard right now because women set the standards and men rise to the level of expectation. There is absolutely no incentive whatsoever for a man who has resources and options to give you unearned special treatment. Have you ever really examined what it is you bring to the table? Every other girl can get on her back what else can you do to differentiate yourself? That is the question you should be asking, not an endless stream of variations on why aren’t the Chad’s of the world lining up to hand you the credit cards and car keys? There are a finite number of men in the world worth bothering with, they know who they are, and they know that they can get sex whenever they want it. What are you doing differently from all the other women throwing themselves at him?
Relationships are about compromise. From your post, you've set extremely high standards for what's acceptable in a man. The best relationships are those in which each partner respects the other for what they are, not who their partner wants them to be, and includes their flaws as well as their strengths.
Please learn to accept the man for who he is, no one is perfect, and it's unlikely that any man will ever satisfy every one of your standards. I'm not suggesting you lower your standards, but it's okay to sometimes accept something that doesn't quite meet them.
Most guys want/expect sex first and respect and relationships comes later. Most gals want/expect respect and relationships first and the sex comes later.
The difficulty arises when the parties IN the relationship each expect something that is not going to happen (the way they view it and not the way the partner will be looking at things). It takes WORK to reach a compromise, and many in our "instant society" are NOT willing to put in the time, effort, and compromise to work things out.
You take relationships seriously.. You're passionate and affectionate... it's a really tiny chance that a random guy would be the same or appreciate you enough.. You need to find THE guy you like and not just A guy to be in a relationship with... It's hard I know... You can't really know someone that much before being with them.. So you're like gambling all the time...
2
2 Reply
Asker
1 y
That's so true.. finding THE guy is so tough for me right now. Also it's like every guy I meet says he wants to marry me etc etc and then this happens...
Lol it's a red flag if someone who doesn't know you yet tells you they want to marry you.. That means they're not really in it for the person... And they confirm it when they stop trying afterwards... Like I said.. It's really hard to find the right person when everybody is just fooling around with no commitment or going at it just for the benefits and not the actual person..
Because people treat it like a game? The dating game? The #1 cause of divorce is... marriage. Foolish people getting married or desperate people committing to someone who doesn't deserve them. I don't believe in dating, I believe in friendships blossoming into something more.
1
3 Reply
Asker
1 y
I guess I believe in marriage due to my culture and religion
