Boyfriend is upset with me, because I discussed our fight with my bestie. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

We broke up two months ago because I overheard him talking trash about me to his friend.

The thing is I recorded him secretly and he started blame shifting me and dumped me.

Two months later we got back together and I confessed that I discussed that situation with my best friend. He went like "Ohhh... I see, you talked trash to her about me" and now is acting upset and is constantly throwing phrases "have a nice day, call your bestie and start talking crap about me again"

I don't get it. First of all... I didn't talk any trash except explaining the situation, cause I was in a limbo and needed support.

And second - he was the one who first talked sh*t about me and I would have probably never found out if I didn't record him.

What should I do?

[AmandaYVR]

1. You recorded someone without their knowledge. That's a shit thing to do (and probably illegal).

2. When he talks to his friend, it's "talking trash", but when you talk to your friend, it's seeking counsel or support. That's a double standard, and called hypocrisy.

I'm sure it wasn't nice to hear negative things being said about you by him, but you can't police what people say or think or feel, especially after a fight.

He's in the right.

[Monalisa77]

Why? Whats wrong with asking for help?

[AmandaYVR]

@Monalisa77 I read your exchange with another user on this thread, and I will give you opposite advice. There is no rule about what people are allowed to share with their friends about their partner. You don't need to listen to anyone who claims there is a 'rule'.
I did not say this in my comment to the OP. My points were that recording someone without their knowledge is not ok,, morally or legally, and I pointed out the hypocrisy of talking to her friend, but then being bothered that he did the same.
She, and some others here, have focused on her labelling of "his trash talk", but that is subjective, and that is why I did not simply take that as fact, while accepting her claimed total innocence. People fight, people talk, and the details of this are often more grey than some want to admit.

The topic of whether, and how much, it is okay or not okay, to talk to one's friends about a partner, is very complex, and after I read through your comments here, I thought about this a while before responding to you now.
There is no one way to answer it because the permutations are almost endless.
Young people - both female and male - need to seek advice more often than older people do because they have a lot to learn about life, and people, and that's perfectly understandable.
Males tend to give fewer details, and seek help less. It's built into their culture, from childhood. Even their parents emphasize self-reliance to their boys more than to their girls. (Not as children, but as they grow up into manhood.) Men also tend to be more opinionated, and less timid about expressing their beliefs. They speak more concisely and bluntly. But they also let-and-let-live more.

[AmandaYVR]

@Monalisa77 Females live in a socially-emphasized world which is more communal and gentler, generally. (Aside from bullying from teenagers, etc etc.) they enjoy analyzing the social world and relationships, and often enjoy going to a trusted friend to help do this. Males tend to find this topic more frustrating and will only talk about it for so long, then want to change the subject to something more concrete.
Males, especially those who are particularly independent, don't ask advice as often. And some of these types think that this should apply to females, just the same. Which is applying their 'rule' to another's life. Some males really hate being told what to do, so much so that they perceive any opinion as this. So, if they aren't willing to do what others want, they think it's safer, and best, simply never to ask for opinions.

In your case, with your abuser father, you do need help and advice, and there's nothing wrong with you asking for it. The only thing you can do is try to be very cognizant of WHO you go to about such a difficult and complex situation. Many are not equipped to handle it.
It's really up to your mother, though. I don't understand why you would want her to quit her job to take care of you. That makes no sense. She needs her job. But that does not preclude her from taking care of you, or handling this situation.
If you are young and still living with them, you will likely have to wait it out until you can leave, either for university or work. If your mother refuses to end the relationship, and you truly are being abused by him, then you leaving is your best course of action. But I fully understand that can be extremely difficult to do. But difficult things are difficult, but necessary.

[Monalisa77]

my mother won't tell anyone. she won't ask for help or get rid of him. she just keeps excusing him and he keeps making excuses its just his health it isn't he's been like this probably since he was born. she's supposed to be retired. if my dad leaves ill be on my own and my health is pretty bad

[Monalisa77]

im doing open uni, im not well enough to cope on my own. im doing my best but i get held back by them. my mother has controlling behavours aswell. there's no talking to them as to what affect they have on others, its not just me my sister won't talk to him and my brother commented on it not being a v nice enviornment

[Monalisa77]

we have enough money but she claims she needs the job to help my brother with his court case, but he wastes money going on dates nights out to drink and money for things he doesn't even go to. he also didn't offer to pay for her to go and babysit and she wasted a lot of money on flights.

[Monalisa77]

getting someone else involved in his messy life is ridiciulous, he's still got court order over him and his ex is a nutter. plus u dont need to pay for stuff to go on dates

[Monalisa77]

oh and she paid for the ferry over at Christmas

[AmandaYVR]

@Monalisa77 You need to see a therapist/counsellor to help you create a plan.
This is not the place for it.

[Monalisa77]

i can't mention my dads behaviour to anyone or they will get someone else involved.

[AmandaYVR]

I can't help you further, sorry. You need professional help.

[Monalisa77]

if people really want to genuinely help me they would help me with my issues. none of my family members want to know, not even my own cousins would take me out for my bday

[Monalisa77]

no i need friends and a job. a normal life

[hahahmm]

What is your long term goal with this guy? If it is "I don't know" then I'd argue that you are definitely wasting your time. We could ask him the same question about being with you. The more you talk about the one you're with to others in any negative way the more likely you will break up. But I think the reason you did talk about the guy is because the relationship is wrong & you (at least) subconsciously know this. Not everybody is compatible. The more time you spend with the wrong guy the less time you will ultimately have for the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Well basically you did to him exactky what he did to you the first time. Do two wrongs make a right? Never.

What you did makes you just as guilty as him, and he got angry about it just like you did. You are two peas in a pod.

What can you do? Let go of the resntment, admit to yourself and him that what you did was wrong, just like what he did was wrong, apologize to him, and then both of you agree to be more mature and respectful of each other going forward. That's the only way it works long term.

[myloveforuisinfinte]

Hey girlie!, it's time to permanently break up with him and date someone else. Coz u deserve better. It's clear, he is trying to be oversmart and playing guilt games on u.
My bestie's ex boyfriend did too, so she broke up with him and now she is happy with her new boyfriend.

[OlderAndWiser]

@AmandaYVR got it right!

There's too much drama going on here, and you have caused most of it. You two need to go your separate ways before you have a nuclear meltdown.

[AviatorTom]

Learn to keep your mouth shut about what you and your bestie discuss.

[Anonymous]

Both sides in this are wrong, Though him more so.. You secretly recorded him.. You do understand that in some states that is a felony right? Second he was talking trash about you.. Not acceptable, id have left him for that idiotic behavior. Third, you took him back.. Another poor choice. Fourth, You discussed private aspects of your relationship with a best friend.. Again not acceptable. None of this is good. You both need to grow up. You both need to break up and find someone else, LATER, after you have grown up.

Y'all are toxic as fuck.

[JacobJordan]

Both of you need to learn to shut up. You don't discuss your private relationship with other people. Then those people think they have a right to tell you what to do with your relationship. If you want a healthy happy relationship it revolves around 2 people and 2 people only. The only thing other people should know is that 1 you are a couple and 2 you are happy.

[Monalisa77]

So i wouldn't be able to confide in a friend and ask for help? What if i felt they were abusive?

[Monalisa77]

Thats exactly why my ex sis in law has turned into a nutter

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 so I need to spell it out. Kinda figured the ending bit of it made it pretty clear the conditions to keep things private. Alright private relationships for dummies 101. For those in a relationship you do not share details about the relationship outside the relationship as this causes people think they have a right to provide input, advice or direction regarding your relationship. Only thing people outside of your relationship should know is that 1 you are a couple and 2 you are happy. Apparently as it needs to be stated (for some bizarre reason) should you find yourself in an abusive relationship you should be telling as many people as humanly possible. Friends, family, police because you obviously need help and are in danger. In addition you should be recording audio and/or video at all times. Now for most people the second bit is a given cause obviously an unhealthy relationship tends to need outside intervention. Hopefully this clears it up for those not capable of understanding that a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship have different... for lack of a better word... rules on how one approaches it.

[Monalisa77]

So im gonna keep thinking he's abusing me and hitting me and not tell anyone. Got it!

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 fantastic approach lol. Get the more in depth explanation and proceed to ignore it. So silly

[Monalisa77]

I won't even know if he is absuing me, id need help on whats going on. If my boyfriend can't handle me talking to a best friend about situations i need help with then h can get lost. Im. Not isolating myself to just me and a partner. Its controlling if anything

[Monalisa77]

I've seen what that can fo to couples and families. We can't tell anyone my dads absuive so im stuck

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 abuse is definitely different. I had abusive parents (first 4 years of life) so I completely understand. I was of course speaking specifically of healthy relationships. And if your dad is still abusive you should be telling everyone and recording it especially if the abuse is directed at your mom. Abusive people thrive on getting their victims to rescind anything they said. A recording can't be rescinded

[Monalisa77]

I can't im stuck. I want him gone but mum won't give up her job to help me full time n she cares too much about what people think

I probably wouldn't know what a healthy r/ship is, im paranoid about everything

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 well that is a problem. And I am sorry to hear that. You absolutely can record it. You can start your phone recording put it in your pocket and be around when it happens. Once you have it recorded you go to the police station on your own and give it to the police telling them you want to make an anonymous submission. They now have proof of it and proof can't be rescinded

[Monalisa77]

No but mum won't give up he rjob full time, so im on my own and noone gives a damn

[Monalisa77]

I tried to confide in a trusted person and they pretty much blamed me

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 2 things I will say about this if one you are under 18 (not my concern) and you are being abused that is child abuse. 2 if your mom refuses to leave her full time job to deal with it and protect her daughter that is negligence. Both of these are illegal and come with jail time upon conviction. Now I understand you are worried that you would be left high and dry if you spoke up. You won't. Legally you can not be. The police or a lawyer will find a safe place for you and you will receive all the help and care you need.

[Monalisa77]

Im not u can see what age i am. I dont want to move and live to be looked after by strangers

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 shitty person. Sorry to hear that.

[Monalisa77]

I want a normal life and to eventually be able to cope on my own. Im going to do the open uni as I've struggled getting a job. I just wish moreppl would see how miserable i am

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 well if you are 36 and have your own job then you need your own place.

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 eventually you are going to have to decide if you want to stand up for yourself or not. Until then unfortunately whoever is abusing you will likely continue. You are stronger than your realize you just need to find that strength and use it.

[Monalisa77]

Yeah i font have a job thata the problem. And my health is quite severe I've got vertigo now aswell i went for an mri to see whats wrong.

[Monalisa77]

Dont

[Monalisa77]

If we could tell people things aren't right they might b more willing to help. My cousin even thinks my dad is a good person LOL

[Monalisa77]

If u want to help more u can look at my qs

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 that is the way it goes. My birth dad was a pos and most people thought he was an alright guy

[Monalisa77]

Exactly why i struggle trusting people. Some people r so fake

[Monalisa77]

If u want to help more u can look at my qs double posting incase u missed it

[Monalisa77]

my mother basically covers and excuses him

[Monalisa77]

well thats just very nice of the user claiming above i need help. blocking me isn't going to help my anxiety lol

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 which user?

[Monalisa77]

amanda

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 ah. Well she rather showcases perfectly what I was saying about the perils of sharing information. The one thing she is right about is that secretly or even openly recording people (not in a public setting) without permission is illegal in many places. In your situation you do need to reach out to local services that can help you and they will. I would recommend reaching out to Refuge. I saw in your profile you are based in London UK. Refuge is the UK version of battered women shelters in the US. Their website is refuge. org. uk or you can call anytime 24/7 at 0808 2000 247 they will be able to give you a temporary place to stay and help you get in touch with support staff that can help you. Also will be able to assist you with finding work and finishing university. If no one in your family is willing to do the right thing. Then they should be more than sufficient to keep you safe.

[Monalisa77]

im not im in northern Ireland. i dont want to live on my own or with strangers. i wouldn't feel comfortable

[Monalisa77]

i can afford to live. but i need help with my health and i dont want strangers touching me. thats just it period lol

[Monalisa77]

plus i doubt ill be able to go away anywhere. those people won't take me to london or to trips i enjoy going on, or to see my niece and nephews.

[Monalisa77]

im only just starting open uni. ill probably gt benefits took off me aswell

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 which is great if you aren't being abused. From what I was able to find there are many options for women's aid shelters in Ireland as well. https://www.womensaidni.org/
This is their website I do hope you reach out at least to see what if anything they can do for you

[Monalisa77]

yeh i dont wanna live in shelters. last place i wanna live. ill prob end up dead if i was to live in 1

[JacobJordan]

@Monalisa77 you don't have to live in one. But they can still probably help you with plans, protection, check ins etc. It is a starting point so you can protect yourself

[HighValue]

End the relationship. When people break up, neither person will ever feel the same way as they did before and neither person will feel totally sure of their relationship after that.

Then in the future, within the first few dates discuss expectations for the relationship, including what is and isn't acceptable to discuss with others about the relationship. That way there shouldn't be misunderstandings and each person wil clearly know what is acceptable.

[CallmeTheKnight]

How about you Just make sure he has no more access to you?
Based on what you’re telling us, he’s a drama queen, and can’t seem to speak to you directly about the issues in your relationship. Then again, for someone to go to someone else about what’s going on in their relationship tells me there is more than what you’re telling us.
Is it because you Do the same thing he’s been doing or he is not capable of a relationship?

[jshm2]

Why the fuck are you dating such insecure trash?

He isn't man enough to talk trash to your face, isn't man enough to accept you dislike things about him.

You are stupid to stick around with such toxic people.

[LaurenM1997]

I hate that people act hot and cold I’ve had it done to me in the past I would just leave him and go find someone else that’s gonna treat you right and be a proper boyfriend to you and love you for who you are

[Ms_Facesitter]

"First of all... I didn't talk any trash except explaining the situation" that's all you have to reply. That's all, exes are crazy.

[Asker]

I did and he made those references again.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Doesn't matter. Just keep giving him the line if you feel like replying. I wouldn't give him any attention.

[Amy10223]

Drop him completely this time. He sounds very immature. Once he talked badly about you, why invite him back?

[midnightmoon05]

Yeah!! Drama drama drama!! When do you want to end this?

[Demonatrix]

Let go of that relationship it doesn't look like it will be a healthy one for you.

[DextroShade]

Neither of you should be talking shit behind the other's back. Find another man who is not afraid to tell you how you what you are doing wrong to your face and submit to that man.

[LadyKitty]

My opinion, leave his ass and don't look back.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

I think both of you are immature. And since he dumped you, let him go.

Never chase people that push you out of their life.

[DreamLife7]

What do you mean what should you do? He dumped you and he doesn't like you. I mean are you stupid? Move on

[KittygosMeoWW]

You need to break up this is toxic and will become abusive

[LunarEclipse433]

Don't worry about it. Let him cool down. Guys do that

[meh51]

Sorry, but I don't think your relationship will last long.

[jaskin777]

He is acting like a damn narrassastocs