Instead of trying to change a partner's ideals, why don't people find someone like-minded?

[Anonymous]

For instance why would I try hard to convince a boyfriend that hates traveling on how traveling is great when I can find a man that loves travelling. I would hate to have to rebuttal in order to get the man I want... instead of being with someone that's very similar to me.

Similarly, I'm seeing a bunch of women being with men that won't give them kids. Same thing. What's the point of wasting time with someone that thinks differently on major things and that you feel the need to convince, rebuttal?

If you're very religious then find someone religious. If you're just into casual dating, find someone that likes that. If you want marriage, find someone that wants that too, etc.

Updates

3 mo

If at any point, they ask to tell you the reasons why whatever you want is great, why you want that... then it's pointless. There shouldn't be any need to convince a partner of something. The partner should already want similar things you want.

[MrOracle]

Here's the problem: most people today believe in the Disney fairy tale idea of a relationship, where "love conquers all." That's not reality and it never has been.

The reason marriages were often arranged in the past - and many still are today - is because your emotions absolutely do NOT have your best interests in mind. Your feelings will metaphorically guide you right over a cliff to your death if you let them. That doesn't mean that your feelings are of NO importance, but rather that they need to come second to morals, values, and life goals in a relationship. That's what arranged marriages used to focus on - making sure the couple had compatible morals, values, and life goals. And in places where arranged marriage fell out of favor, young people were taught to vet their potential spouses based on their morals, values, and life goals.

This first started to change with the Disney princess movies, though their impact was limited at first, because society was still teaching people to vet their potential spouses. What REALLY started the massive changes was NOW - the National Organization of Women - which was a radical Feminist organization whose stated goals were to destroy marriage, encourage promiscuity and prostitution as positive things for women, and to teach women to avoid marriage and, if already married, to divorce their husbands and deny them everything, especially their children.

Men were largely unaware of this at the time, given that men tend to be preoccupied with providing for their families (or working to be in a position to have a family) and didn't spend much time worrying about social issues, as men see no need to change what's working.

It's not hard to see how these changes were devastating to relationships - they were absolutely INTENDED to be devastating to relationships. And after several generations of this, no one is taught to vet their partners or what to evaluate them on. Modern media puts forth the idea that you can make as shallow of choices as you want and everything will somehow work itself out, because that's what you deserve - but that is pure fantasy with zero basis in reality.

The truth is that if you want your relationship to have any chance of surviving for any kind of long term, that person must first be LOCAL to you (because long distance relationships almost never work), and you must vet them based on their morals, values, and life goals - and be vetted in return. This needs to happen BEFORE any commitment is made, because it's too late after the fact.

The chances of changing your partner on major life goals are near zero. You won't change him or "fix" him or her. If you don't match from the beginning, your relationship will blow up sooner or later.

[Asker]

Well said indeed. It's illogical to look for a partner just base on feeling and falling in love.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. Western society now is INCREDIBLY one track minded anyway, and thoroughly intolerant of anyone who thinks, acts, or looks differently than they do. All this "opposites attract" was something PRE SOCIAL MEDIA ERA... and since nearly all live vicariously through social media now... especially in the West... it's a flat out thing of the past. I don't see college females hanging out with blue collar Republican guys. Ever. I see them avoiding them. I don't see blue collar Republicans being accepting of immigrants on the West Coast. I don't see Boulder, Co ski Barbies wanting to get to know country folks from Kentucky. Ever. Most people now won't even get NEAR anyone they THINK might be different from them, so how they can they possibly be accepting? Just stay with people that look, think and dress like you, and agree with what you already think, and you've found your love. I travel all over the country, I see this in spades, virtually everywhere I go. Just because LaVar Ball SAID he can beat Michael Jordan 1 on 1... doesn't mean his resume actually indicated that.😉

[Tiptoetamm]

I complete agree with you. You have to choose someone who is like minded and interested in similar things. Doesn't need to be exact but definitely close. If you do choose someone you'd say you need to change, that's not fair to that person. You shouldn't get with someone to change them. Would you want someone coming into your life trying to change the things you like about yourself or things you enjoy. Umm. No never, and would resent them for trying to change you. Let's say you do choose someone who you feel you need to change you have kids together whatever trying to make it work. You need to compromise with each other. You're not always going to completely enjoy everything your partner wants to do and this goes for every relationship. You're not going to like everything but when you compromise and make said thing happen or whatever they will compromise for you. When you would like to do something they really wouldn't do or don't want to do. I'm not saying to compromise beliefs or whatever so for those who want to take it there, not what I'm saying.

[PrincelyGlove]

@Tiptoetamm would you mind if I asked you for some tips? advice? maybe just talk?

[Tiptoetamm]

Absolutely dm me

[PrincelyGlove]

I would, but you have to follow me lol

[Asker]

Exactly. A relationship isn't just base on feelings and love. That's not enough if someone wants kids and marriage and the other person doesn't.

[PBandJ_Nerd]

No clue. I can only understand in instances where the couple might have lots of interests in common, but just a few that aren't there. But if there's something that's a huge dealbreaker for them, then they should find someone like or similar to them. But I think sometimes the reason is because they like the relationship and their partner, but don't want to breakup over something like that.

[MrOracle]

"I can only understand in instances where the couple might have lots of interests in common, but just a few that aren't there."

You don't need to have a huge overlap in "interests", but you MUST have compatible morals, values, and life-goals. If you want to live in the city, and he want to live in the countryside, it won't work. If you want marriage and kids, and he doesn't, it won't work. If he is religious and you aren't, it won't work. If you want him to be home every night, but his job requires him to be away from home 250 nights a year, it won't work.

Different tastes in music, movies, colors, or ice-cream flavors can be worked around with little issue, but morals, values, and life-goals MUST be compatible.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Most people want a likeminded person, but the vast majority of people are too lazy too find one, or they think everyone is too different and that a perfect match doesn't exist.

There are also a decent amount of very boring women, who's only hobbies and interests would have them stuck either being a lesbian, or dating a gay man.

Then you have that people think their way of existing is the better way and try to convert people, so they think, well, if they love me they will change, which is stupid, because people don't change, and because thats really one sides in terms of fairness, because why do they have to change but you don't?

People should only be with a person who is just like themselves mentally. It doesn't work out otherwise

[TheSpaceGnome]

one sided*

[Asker]

Exactly. Basing a whole relationship just out of feeling and applying ''oh but love conquers all'' is idiotic when it comes to major compatible values and goals.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yup, compatibility is actually what conquers all, because it leaves no relationship conflicts, and its whats needed to actually fall in love.

Most people think love is what makes their crotch tingly. Plenty of women have made my crotch tingly, none of them were ones I'd date, hump, or marry.

[MiddleAgedClimbee]

I think this is a very valid point, but sometimes when your partner is significantly different than you, it opens up your mind to different ways to approach problems, and perhaps you might learn to look at life a different way that makes you happier.

[McLlovin]

You are completely right. Unfortunately people are either afraid they won't find anyone if they leave or simply have hope they can make it work.

[mandyfire98]

1000 percent. That's the issue most people get into. "I can change them" it doesn't work that way. Take time to find who is compatible instead of rushing into something just because you're lonely and horny.

[Loki97]

My assumption is the fact that finding someone like minded when you have trauma isn’t exactly the best thing and tends to be a toxic 2 way street however that’s all broken people tend to get is other broken or cruel people so yeah it’s kinda necessary to help change the others mind because broken people never work together and toxic people damage broken people

[Somoneelse]

I agree with this. People should find likeminded people, not trying to change others into their mind/dreams

[Zestyassmf1997]

It depends. Everyone has differences in opinions. You can change them, accept them, or move on. Any of the three can be viable options.

[Berethor]

Sometimes it hard to find someone like-minded, or they think too highly of themselves.

[Asker]

Then there is the option of staying single. I'd rather be single than waste my time.

[Berethor]

Yea, but you think be able to feel so sure about that as you would get older?

[laly520]

they need drama in their lives or else how we would fill the dating category with foolishness in here

[SotiCoto]

Because that is boring... probably.

In reality is probably just that they didn't know they weren't like-minded until they'd already committed.

[DreamLife7]

Because a lot of these chicks are insecure and stupid

[DarkWinterNights]

I’ve never found someone like-minded. If anything people have less and less in common that ever before.

[CozyCoffin]

I can fix it

[Amara_09]

You will be looking forever then.

[Asker]

So if the woman wants kids the guy initial lied to her to keep her as a girlfriend for longer periods of time, she should continue staying and wasting time?

[Asker]

wanting kids vs not wanting kids is a huge difference that ''oh love conquers all'' isn't going to work out in that case

[Amara_09]

Sure, yes that sounds right

[Wise4myage]

That makes perfect sense to me.

[spartan55]

Women try to change their man quite often.

[anon1903]

You're incredibly right!

[jahaims]

Obviously because they are stupid.