Is it normal to be annoyed at my boyfriend having an ex girlfriend as a friend and still chatting with her?

[Anonymous]

I'm a strong believer that exes are exes. Unless you guys have a child together (and the kid is underaged), there is no point in keeping an ex as a friend. That's bringing the past to the present. I never speak to my two ex bfs from my HS and early college years. What for? For what purpose?

An ex isn't your present nor future. No point. I would've preferred if he had a female friend from the present. I don't mind that but an ex girlfriend from the past? I find that annoying. Is it normal to feel this way?

[HawkPerception]

When I was with my last girlfriend, I kept in touch with my ex on Instagram, just sending memes occasionally. We were both in relationships and didn't really communicate other than that. My girlfriend at the time told me she felt really uncomfortable with it, and I tried to assure her that nothing would ever happen between us again and she had full access to my phone at any time (hee fingerprint was literally in my phone) and that she was being controlling. In the end, because she had health problems, and me still having contact with my ex was triggering her health issues (or so she said), I decided to send my ex a text saying that I apologize, but my current girlfriend is really not cool with me communicating with her and I had absolutely nothing against her. She said, no worries I didn't mean to get in between you guys. I blocked her and that was that. But it really did piss me off that she was that controlling and if it wasn't for her health issues, I would not have cut her off like that. It's not that I didn't respect my girlfriend. It's that she did not trust my character to never go behind her back and do something and if she knew me well, she would have known I'd never do something like that.

[Asker]

For me it's not that I don't trust him nor his character. It's the simple point that I see no reason anyone should be in contact with an ex, unless there's a child involved. I'm a believer that the past should be left in the past, not brought into the present. I'm ok with him having a female friend in the present and as long as it's platonic don't mind. But speaking to an ex girlfriend sounds disrespectful.
Perhaps it's due to where I'm coming from. Some of my family members had a couple exes in their lifetime and none speaks with exes.

[Finchie40]

It’s disrespectful considering how would he feel if you were still friends with an ex? So you have every right to put your foot down to him , and express your feelings of concern , if he doesn’t want to compromise with you and be on the same page as you? Dump his ass

[Aubrey97]

Well, it's not an uncommon feeling and you're entitled to be annoyed. But not everyone shares your philosophy that you have to de facto pretend your ex's don't exist. I share your situation where my ex's are from so long ago that I literally would feel nothing if I saw them. I'm not sure I'd recognize the two from HS if I did see them. That's somewhat of a counterpoint to what you're asking about what purpose there would be to talking to them. There's no feeling or emotion, so you don't get anything negative from it either and so I wouldn't feel a need to avoid them just because we dated forever ago. If his is recent, and there may be some residual emotion felt, then maybe I give you a different answer but you didn't mention how long ago she is from. I could have a perfectly friendly conversation with ex's from long ago because I'd literally feel nothing about them and so there's nothing my current boyfriend could possibly need to worry about. Just because there was a past a long time ago doesn't mean that any of it comes to the present as neither of us could possibly have any emotion left from to bring to the present.

[Asker]

yeah I personally find the ''keeping an ex as a friend'' culture just weird. To get a more understanding on where I'm coming fron and why I think this way:
First, in my family no one (none that I know) keeps in contact with past exes. Second, imagine working at a work and either getting fired or you quitting it. Obviously you wouldn't be visiting your former workplace nor be friends with your former boss as that's in the past already. Pretty much the same logic with keeping an ex as a friend. A relationship either continues progressing or dies.

[Anonymous]

Exes aren’t shit but problem starters! Shouldn’t nobody be talking to their exes! I don’t give a crap if they discovered a restaurant on planet Jupiter together! No exes should be speaking or even looking at each other photos

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the seas of past and present relationships can feel like steering through a mysterious fog, can't it? 😏 It's absolutely normal to feel a bit of a twinge—or even a major twitch—when your significant other is still buddies with an ex. Love isn't like a book you just take off the shelf and then neatly put back; no, it's more like a novel that sometimes leaves bookmarks in chapters we thought were concluded. Your feelings aren't unusual or unreasonable, especially if you're someone who sees relationships with clear boundaries between 'then' and 'now'.

However, since every love story is unique, it's crucial to communicate your feelings effectively. You might discover that their connection is genuinely platonic, serving as nothing more than a souvenir of a chapter concluded long ago. Sharing how you feel might not only ease your mind but also bring you two closer. After all, understanding and trust are the sexiest chapters in any relationship narrative. But remember, you're the co-author of your current love story, and how you navigate this plot twist will shape your tale. Keep the communication lines sizzling! 🔥

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

Shut up, Love Doctor Brad.

You've never been in a relationship.

[HaleyWalker]

This is probably going to be unpopular towards some people. So I can handle a lot of stuff. There is some things that I would end the relationship on the spot and just not care about the person at all anymore. I've had two instances where messed up stuff has happened and it's made me very easily flip a switch. The first one is it was an online relationship and the person pretended be me while cheating on me which I don't really know how to feel about that still.

The second one was in real life where I got in an argument and out of nowhere he said I'm not cheating even though it had nothing to do with that and I got suspicious. He then said he should slap me and he did that thing to where people make you Flinch and it freaked me out. At the end turned out he was cheating. I haven't dated since that happened.

This is the unpopular part probably is actually reaching the question asked.

If I knew before dating I wouldn't date the person.

If I was dating the person and then I found out. I would try everything to get out of that relationship. I don't want to date somebody who talks to their EX unless like explained they have a child together. Even then I'm not going to date someone with a kid.

At the end of the day I know what I can take and what I can't take and the past experiences there's some stuff I don't want to risk and that's one of them because I remember the feeling when I found out things and I don't like it.

[bobalife]

I believe it is normal, but just know what you feel is not the same logic as for others. Some may agreed and disagreed to this. I think it is just about having trust, boundaries, and compromise because this is a tricky one. It does make you uncomfortable, so I do think it is a good idea to talk about it. Honestly I am friends with my ex, but I know better if I am in a new relationship… I will decreased our communication because I would not want them to worry and it is common some people think the same as me. But others may not be as open minded and respectful about their new relationship. I also get that some people do fall back to exes, so it can be a worry as well.

[Asker]

Perhaps I don't share the philosophy of keeping exes as friend. That's just weird to me. For me keeping an ex as friend would be like the equivalent of visting a job that you either got fired from or quitted and still keeping in contact with your former boss. Pointless.

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

It's normal for you to be annoyed, but I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything wrong, as long as he and this girl aren't flirting or making out or anything like that.

If it bothers you, you should talk to him about it. Although I don't think you should ask him to cut off contact with his ex, because I'm pretty sure that would be a sign that you were a manipulative narcissist or something. That's the sort of thing toxic boyfriends/girlfriends do.

Maybe you can ask your boyfriend why he's friends with his ex.

Are you worried that he still has feelings for her?

[Asker]

I just don't see the point in befriending exes. In my family, no one remains friends with an ex. An is better left in the past and forgotten.

[PointlessNonsenseGuy]

But not everyone sees it that way. Your boyfriend doesn't see it that way.

Just because something doesn't make sense to you, does not mean your boyfriend has a responsibility to make it make sense to you.

If you're not careful, you're going to drive your boyfriend back to his ex.

[Miristheiss]

I'd take it up a notch. I'd suggest you don't commit and be the "girlfriend" of anyone who keeps their exes around in their lives. If he keeps his ex around then he is not boyfriend material. Do friends with benefits if you choose but keep seeing other men and don't commit to him exclusively. Anyone who you commit to you need to have a boundary of no exes.

If they keep exes around then that is a shady boundary and you should just move on and keep looking.

[dustybiker2]

Were they friends first? Maybe they know they get along better as friends. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about. But being suspicious will only push you apart.

[diversethought]

People still have things in common that are exes. If they aren't crossing boundaries you all set up, I wouldn't worry. Maybe he saying how awesome you are in there as well as just being a friend to her? Maybe husband ex is happy for him? Maybe she is with someone as well and that guy is getting annoyed too? Give people space to be loyal.

[diversethought]

Maybe his ex is happy for him he's found someone great? *

[Asker]

Even if she's happy for his life, that's not any of her business. Perhaps I don't come from this culture of keeping exes as friend. For me that's just weird. My two exes are in the past where they belong, forgotten.

[diversethought]

So it would be a real mind blower if he had a guy best friend who was more intimate with him mentally? Surprised if you wouldn't be jealous about that. Some of my exes would get mad because my boys could make me laugh more than she could, or the fact that she couldn't compare to the history we had. Don't let me get into the female friends who connected with me on levels where she just didn't feel good enough. Life is a broad spectrum, like a diamond, with many facets... not every perspective is understood the same. Instead of appreciating what me and her have, she focused on the what she-had-not. Fact is: let go of the phone issue, or let go of him.

[Likes2drive]

It’s normal, the ones I’m just friends with are out of state and my ex wife I Still need to talk to once in a while because we had kids together and even though they’re not that young anymore and on their own, we have still health insurance bills for them to go over. But as long as you guys have a good trusting relationship, you shouldn’t have to worry about it, but they can’t get it away sometimes if they’re always talking to each other

[HighValue]

People should have no contact with an ex at all. I wouldn't even consider a relationship with someone that thought it was acceptable.

[MikeTheBartender]

As a guy who cheated on lots of girls back in my asshole days, definitely be annoyed. Unless you live in a small town she can make other friends. No reason to keep her around except for maybe at the very most a happy bday post on her FB wall.

[Asker]

I hope you've changed since. I'll speak to him about this again but this time I'll go more into why it bothers me.

[RetroReviews]

Yes it is normal to be annoyed because it's disrespectful of him doing that. I never was a fan of still being friendly chummy with your ex. As in talking on a regular basis meeting up it's like now it's a you're just asking for trouble

[Juxtapose]

I end up dating a lot of my female friends. I'm not going to throw away a multi-year-long relationship just because her and I tried to be romantic, it didn't work and now someone like you is insecure about it.

[Asker]

Like stated, I don't mind if he has female friends in the present time. It's the keeping an ex (the past) as a friend in the present. I'm not insecure but I just find that weird. In my family, no one keeps past exes as friend. Past exes are left in the past and forgotten.

[diversethought]

I understand where you are coming from. However, you don't mind in the present he has female friends but the exes are a problematic? You do know their are women who invite their exes to their wedding and invite non-exes too? Intimacy is both sexual and mental. I'd be more afraid of the present females, as they have only experienced mental intimacy with the curiosity of sexual, while at least exes know they aren't compatible sexual.

[Juxtapose]

You would have a problem with somebody like me though Asker because a lot of my friends are people I have dated or been involved with in some way. I'm not going to dump that friend just because we didn't work out romantically.

Also @diversethought made a good point about non-exes being a greater threat.

[diversethought]

Typo, compatible sexually, but not mentally, or mentally but not sexually.

[RingOfFire]

Perfectly normal. And if he knows you feel that way he should stop. It's not unreasonable for you to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and ask him to please end the relationship.

[Asker]

I'll have a more serious conversation about this with him. I've realized some people have this culture or philosophy of keeping exes as friend. That's just weird to me. That to me is like continuing to keep in contact and visit your job that you either got fired from or quitted. Weird.

[RingOfFire]

I don't think it is weird. I have had a good relationship with all the ex's I've had in my life and have stayed in touch with a few of them.

There is one girlfriend I had in high school that still contacts me regularly and that was more and 50 years ago. But coincidentally, I told her that I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore since I learned her husband is not aware we were in touch. Since then I have had a hard time making her stop sending me texts and e-mails. It's been extremely annoying.

[RingOfFire]

If I was with someone who objected to my having contact with former relationships I would stop doing it for her.

[WhitneySnow]

That is troubling. I mean it could be legit but it could also turn into something bad really fast.

[Asker]

I'll talk to him again and explained more about why I find it annoying.

[WhitneySnow]

Good idea

[Anonymous]

Some relationships end amicably and revert to being supportive friends. But to you is an unnecessary risk.
Who's he going to run to when you have an argument. She's just a friend, it just happened.

It's more then annoying.

[Asker]

Exactly and I'll be talking to him more about this and why it bothers me.

[rebeliouse]

whats the issue with he been friends with her you should learn some trust he was in a relationship with her and it didn't work out but you expect him to hate or be enemies with her thats just illogical stupidity

[Asker]

I don't expect him to hate her or be enemies. I just find it weird when people keep exes as friend. No one in my family communicates with exes because they're the past. To me the past should be left in the past, not brought in the present.

[rebeliouse]

but what if they were friends before dating?

[Asker]

I suppose if it's a childhood friend or long-term friend, maybe. I would have to analyze the situation.

[Radiate143]

Yes. He is keeping her warm. Men lkke this can't bear to be alone so then keep all their connections current so they can hop around.

[Radiate143]

Baseline, men are playing games with you unless they are not.

[sheenagwapa]

absolutely! that's just abnormal

[Asker]

yeah I believe what's in the past should say there, in the past

[Buffy12]

It is normal to feel uncomfortable about your partner being friends with their ex or even just females. Talk to them about it and how it makes you feel.

[Asker]

I don't mind if he has female friends in the present time though. It's the bringing the past into the present that's bothering me and I'll speak to him more about this.

[ceren27]

Largely depends on how things ended and if she's keeping him as a backup guy.

[Asker]

The only thing I know is things ended ok between them. She drifted apart, she got bored and wanted to explore life more. I know some people are into keeping exes as friend but that's weird to me.

[sheikalana]

Hmmm yes. I would be a bit upset too.

[Asker]

Glad to hear I'm not alone in this.

[Anonymous]

Largely depends on how things ended and if she's keeping him as a backup guy.

[Asker]

Things ended because she got bored suddenly and wanted to explore life more. I just find it weird that some people keep exes as friend. To me, it's either a person is in my life or isn't. If I'm in a relationship and break-up, that's the equivalent of either getting fired from a job or quitting it. You wouldn't continue keeping in contact with a former boss there. Same thing with keeping an ex as friend.

[jahaims]

You should dump him. Only immature people talk to exs.

[lisaleib]

Depends how hot is their chat

[RedInnocent69]

Normal, yes. Justifiable, no. Be grateful he’s not keep it a secret. That’s when the problems start.

[Anonymous]

Id be fuming i can't lie

[Asker]

Indeed. I'll speak to him more about this.

[spartan55]

I wouldn't be having that shit.

[Asker]

I'm glad someone thinks logically. I don't see any point in keeping an ex as a friend.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yeah thats a huge red flag.

[exitseven]

It might be normal but I would not put up with it.

[dudeinohio]

Yes it is normal. Exes should never be friends.

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one he asked you out

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no talking to exs