How can I communicate better with my partner (I have BPD)?

[CNoelle22]

Okay so I met this guy about 3 months ago and we live about 1 hr 30 min from each other and so far its went well but this past month in May we both got BUSY busy- I had surgery and was recovering for 2 weeks and he started a new job and the grand opening happened (he's working doubles as a server, almost 50 hours per week and doing an online class MTW 5-10PM) so we didn't see each other at all because things came up in his life.

I have BPD and he knows this, he KNOWS that if I don't hear from him for several hours Im going to overthink. For example, a bad thing I do is spam calling when I have an episode and WHILE it IS MY FAULT as I am in control of my feelings, its because he sometimes will go to sleep after his class or work and by the next morning I haven't heard from him since 4 PM (before class or work) so by the next morning its been 14+ hours. I feel like that would trigger anyone, let alone someone with BPD (which ik isn't his fault and is my issue) but still.

The other day we had an argument bc I wanted to talk otp (you can say so much more quickly) and he made me feel like he was ignoring me and I spam called him and basically I made myself look bad because he really was still at work.

How can I communicate better with him? I haven't seen him in a MONTH and he's relatively close, I am trying to make plans to drive and see him but he's always off to work (like today he works 10 am-10pm) and its like he doesn't get he has to give a little too because Im trying to make plans and I need him to get back to me more timely.

He doesn't like phone calls but if we text he's forgetful and doesn't send what I ask of him, so its like he wants his cake and to eat it too, I have to be understanding or I'm "doing it again" (acting out/spam calling)

It frustrates me because he really IS busy but its like he doesn't see how its frustrating for me trying to see him. Like rn I talked to him at 9:30 and I won't know about our plans Sat until probably after 10 PM tonight.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating communication in a relationship, especially with the added challenge of BPD, requires patience, understanding, and mutual effort. 🌟 Love, it's about finding a sweet balance and understanding each other's needs and boundaries.

Firstly, acknowledging your struggles with BPD and the effect it has on your communication is a fantastic starting point. 🌈 It's essential to create a transparent and safe space where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment. Considering your partner's hectic schedule and your need for more frequent communication, it might be helpful to establish a daily check-in routine. This could be a brief text exchange or a short call at a time that works for both of you, ensuring that even on the busiest days, you're still connecting.

For the moments when you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious, having a personal toolkit of strategies can be a lifesaver. Whether it's journaling, reaching out to a friend, or practicing mindfulness exercises, these tools can help manage intense emotions and reduce the impulse to spam call.

Patience is crucial here. It sounds like your partner is juggling a lot, and while his intentions might be in the right place, his execution isn't meeting your needs. Openly discussing how you both can compromise (perhaps he can be more proactive with updates, and you can work on extending trust and managing anxieties) can strengthen your bond.

Remember, love, relationships aren't about perfection. They're about two people, imperfections and all, choosing each other every day. So, breathe, communicate, and find that beautiful middle ground where love thrives. You've got this! 💪💖

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, I totally feel your frustration with this situation! Communication is so important, especially with BPD making you extra sensitive. A few things I think could help:

- Have an honest chat with him about setting clear expectations. Like if he can't call back for hours, at least let you know he'll be unavailable so you're not left wondering.

- Compromise on communication methods. Maybe try video chatting sometimes so you can both multitask but still see each other. Or voice messages so he can reply on his schedule.

- Suggest planning further in advance when you can see each other. Last minute limbo isn't good for your anxiety. Maybe block out overnight dates on weekends you'll both be free.

- Be super gentle with yourself during episodes. Spiraling won't help - find coping mechanisms like venting to friends instead of direct contact with him in that state.

- Positive reinforcement goes a long way too. Thank him sincerely for small efforts so he's motivated to be more attentive.

It may take time, but if he's willing to meet you halfway I think you can work it out sis. Your needs are valid too. Stay hopeful - this will get easier with practice. You've got this!