We’ve been dating over a year, he’s my first ever boyfriend which he’s aware about, he’s aware I’m very independent and has no experience when it comes to relationships.
I’m 24, he’s 26. He’s been in 3 long term relationships and I’ve only had relationships where the guy would treat me like a girlfriend but never ask me out or cheated on me so I cut all that off and have stayed to myself aka building more and more independence. I’ve just never felt like I ever needed a boyfriend so I go about my life in that way and it’s gotten in the way of our relationship which I recognize. He’s more so the more emotional one and needs constant reassurance which I love about him.
but the way I work I just struggle in silence, I hate crying in front of people and I don't know I had a hard life and so has he, but I guess my “lack of emotion” comes across as me not caring even though I do in fact care so much it’s just I struggle with being vulnerable and I love him, he’s my soulmate, but he asks me why I do this and I don’t know what my answer is. it’s not that I’m trying to be this way at all it’s just maybe I’m bad at communication or showing my feelings bc of my childhood..(I was abused). I hate I’m making him feel like I don’t care but it just feels like I can never get words out or bc I’m so used to being independent I neglect his needs and wants without realizing. I’m just trying my hardest to fix it and get advice on if anyone has gone through this and what their thoughts are on steps I should take to improve for him. Like I said, im independent he will take that as I’m selfish, I get annoyed and don’t wanna talk.
Or it’ll be a whole other fight and he’s so passionate about his feelings sometimes it feels like an overload and I cannot handle it. So I don't know what’s wrong with me but please let me know because I love him and I wanna respect him and show him I truly love and care but I feel like I’m the problem because I’m inexperienced.
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The first step is to become observant. Notice changes in his demeanor and address them when they are first observed. Also, notice how your choices impact him and show consideration for his feelings before making any decisions.
Find a qualified therapist who can teach the two of you effective communication skills. Never assume talking and communicating are one and the same. Communication is not about being heard, but showing the other person you care enough to want to see things through the other person's eyes. Show you want to hear and understand. Seek clarification rather than project your own beliefs onto the other person. Never assume, blame, criticize, demand, rationalize, yell or tell him what he should or shouldn't feel, believe or do.
You appear to believe it is a sign of weakness to share feelings of pain with others. Dwelling on the details of the trauma will not help your relationship, but sharing what you've learned and how you've changed, as a result of the trauma, will draw the two of you closer. You don't have to choose between playing the victim or being hard as stone. Just show him things do impact you, but you choose to learn from your experiences rather than dwell on them. Show him how the choices you make now are more effective than the choices you made in the past.
Sorry this is so such a late response. But thankyou very much!
It's hard for a lot of people to express their feelings that easily. Especially if someone has been emotionally abused before, it can be hard to let oneself be vulnerable in that way. I understand how you feel.
Thankyou honey 🥺 it’s so hard
Anytime. It's very hard 😞
i didn't experience that but go together to counseling that might help communication