I am having trouble communicating with my partner. We dont seem to be able to communicate in an effective manner. What can I do to improve it?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear you're having this problem. I understand how you feel! My ex and I fell into a negative communication spiral, one that we failed to overcome. She felt unheard and misunderstood whilst I was afraid to communicate how I truly felt. I feel that discussing the possibility of couples counselling may be an option. This would provide you with a safe space to clearly communicate and garner the assitance of a professional. I did suggest this to my ex however for reasons I still do not completely understand, she was not willing to engage with it. So be prepared for that eventuality, and if it does come to pass I would suggest (and its something in hindsight I wish I had done) asking them to explain why it is exactly they do not want to. Failing the therapy route I would just be honest with them and tell them how you are feeling, what it is that is making it difficult for you to communicate with them. I know that is easier said than done (hence my couples counselling suggestion) but believe me being quiet, or coming across as disinterested or no longer invested (even if that is not your intention) will do more harm then being honest. Its my biggest regret, that I wasn't brave enough to tell my ex exactly how she made me feel, what I needed her to change and explaining to her how some of her actions and words were affecting my ability to love her in the way that I'd hoped. Instead I gradually shut down and she began to feel I no longer cared for her which couldn't have been further from the truth but was her reality none the less. Thirdly and perhaps most importantly, have a real look at your own behaviour. How are your actions or inaction making your partner feel? Is there anything other than telling them how you feel that you could change? In my experience, I found it almost impossible to listen to what my ex was actually saying. I was so engrossed in how hurt I was feeling that I often failed to fully understand my own contribution to our faltering communication. For example I was often defensive and failed to look at things from her point of view. Why? I was so focused on my own pain, I became deaf and insulated to what it was she was saying and how I made her feel. Therefore I wasn't able to improve upon the aspects of our relationship that she needed me to.

If I could go back I would do many things differently, but most of all I would sit her down and tell her exactly how she made me feel, I would listen to how she felt, tell her that I love her and that I want us to devise a plan together to resolve our issues once and for all, so that we can move forward towards the relationship we had both imagined when we first met. My ex tried to communicate that with me but unfortunately I allowed my own pain and fear of having such a conversation stop me from doing that, and this led her to feel unloved and so she eventually left. So my advice; go to your partner tonight and tell them that you love them, tell them exactly how you feel, ask them exactly how they feel and explore the possibility of therapy but most of all don't be afraid because believe me the regret of not having this 'no holds barred, truthful, clear the air' conversation hurts substantially more than the discomfort you'll feel having this conversation with your partner. It took me a lot of hurt, sleepless nights and sessions with a therapist to finally realise how the relationship with the person I love most fell apart, and all that was needed to avert that path was to tell the truth about how I was feeling and in turn opening myself up to listening to and understanding her feelings.

My ex and I still infrequently communicate, but deep down I know that she doesn't trust the words that I have to say to her now. I see it in the way that she writes, she feels I am just telling her what she wants to hear, that I continue to blame her completely for our failure to communicate. But the truth is I don't, we both contributed in different ways towards our failure. But I wholly accept my responsibility for not properly acknowledging, understanding, validating or empathising with her experience.

I no longer have the trust or ear of my ex, to be able explain to her how I truly feel and be wholly believed, do not make the same mistake... go and tell them asap!

Wishing you all the best,

Ben

[Asker]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I can certainly relate to some of what you have wrote. We are going to have a clear the air talk tomorrow evening and put it all out there. We've agreed to be blunt with one another and cut through to the heart of any issues that we have. We will definitely look into attending a few sessions with a counselor, we had talked about it before but hadn't found the time to really explore it. I'm sorry to hear that your ex wasn't willing to give therapy a chance, I know I would find that very disheartening if my boyfriend dismissed it as an option. Your experience has reminded me how important it is to focus on what is actually important and work on it now rather than let things progressively get worse.

[caring__1]

Never assume, like most people, talking and communicating are one and the same. Talking is sharing details, while communication is showing a desire to see things through the other person's eyes and gain an understanding of that person's perspective. People generally are so focused on being heard that they don't bother to truly hear the other person.

Write your next question in Polish. You'll probably say you can't. I'd ask the reason you can't, and you'd say you were never taught Polish. On the other hand, people claim they're working on their communication and improving their communication before they take the time to actually find a qualified professional to teach them the basic skills. Do you have a problem with not knowing how to do brain surgery? We either have the ability or have the ability to acquire the ability. If it truly is important to you (and you aren't just focusing on wanting to be heard), then do all in your power to acquire the skill.

Basic communication is not difficult, but it is very different from what you observe around you. Never assume something must be functional just because it is common.

[MrOracle]

You have to learn how to set aside your own perspectives, priorities, and biases, and be able to see the world through a man's eyes, with a man's perspectives, priorities, and biases. Ideally, he'd do the same thing - learn a woman's perspective.

The majority of people (of either sex) start off with the assumption that the person they're talking to shares the same priorities and perspectives that they themselves have, but when you're dealing with women and men, that's a HUGE mistake, because it's almost always wrong.

I'm going to link you to a video that is ostensibly a comedy routine, but it's really about how men and women think so differently, and thus why they struggle to communicate effectively. It IS funny, but it's also quite instructive.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/B4xG64wDrIY

If you have some specific examples, I could help explain HIS likely perspective, which could help you see why he isn't understanding you or why he can't process why something is important to you.

Again, I'm not suggesting that this burden is only on you (i. e., women) - men must learn to do the same thing: to see from women's perspectives. But you are the one asking the question, and your boyfriend isn't here, so we're starting with you.

[caring__1]

No two people share the exact same perspective, and that has nothing to do with the plumbing they may have. Don't limit this to just men interacting with women and women interacting with men.

[MrOracle]

@caring__1 Yes, but there are a great many differences between men and women that are common to most men and to most women. Obviously you can zoom all the way in to the microscopic individual level, but that's not very useful in this type of discussion. It's far more useful to understand generalizations that apply to the vast majority of men and the vast majority of women.

[caring__1]

All I'm saying is it is helpful to apply this to all our interactions and not limit it to just certain ones.

[MrOracle]

@caring__1 Fair enough.

[MementoMori777]

Speak your minds more, something people fail to do a lot of the times is pull the person aside to communicate, if you are constantly waiting for the proper time to say something it will either never come or seperation will start pulling y'all apart before y'all reach that point, tell that man "can we talk, I want to speak to you about something" and speak your mind, you gotta squeeze communication into the schedule most of the time.