Irrational fear that my boyfriend will physically hurt me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (21M) and me (20f) have been together 6 months, with bunch of arguments over fundamentals, our backgrounds etc cause we jumped into a relationship within 10 days of meeting. We’ve never raised our voices, gotten physical or like crazy in fights. I will admit his tone gets harsh because he doesn’t know how to sugarcoat but he never name calls or like screams or go over a normal voice tone. It did give gaslighty vibes which I’ve been talking to my mom and therapist about it. My friends think he has BPD. they think he’s nice but then when the arguments happen they’re like why does he fuck it up and do say it’s toxic.

Due to our arguments, I fell into the rabbit hole about toxic relationship and emotional abuse which isn’t the case for me. I brought up the fear of being hurt with him and he reassured me he would never do anything like that. Knowing him he truly cares about his mom, sister and other family members and can’t stand anyone hurting us.
I spoke to my mom about the emotional abuse part and she was like this isn’t that and our gen has created these terms. (she doesn’t know about him sleeping over + we’re sexually active) She also knows we’re going through a rough patch, about stuff he says, and now we’re long distance and she was like don’t take the relationship too seriously rn, focus on school and that she won’t tell me to break up with him rn, just set boundaries etc.

I have a feeling I developed these due to the shit I read. we both love being rough in bed and he has that kind of manly personality (he also treats me like his princess, hugs me, cuddles me, gives massages and feeds me food etc, always been there through my anxiety attacks) also the fact he used to do boxing in school might be a contributing factor I don't know.

I developed a random fear for loud noises too, so I don’t know if my body is signalling something or if im just overthinking everything.

I have anxiety and adhd and started therapy and supposed to do my 3rd session soon.

[Skinhead-1979]

"I spoke to my mom about the emotional abuse part and she was like this isn’t that and our gen has created these terms."

Fully agree with your mother!

Earlier today I came across a 'Question' regarding the anger of someone's partner... and of course most of the people said "Leave because he will eventually hurt you".

No, that is not a given... Someone who is very 'Vocal' may never hurt someone, and someone who has been the calmest person in the world might all of sudden snap and kill his or her partner.

I have anger issues... I've had them since I was 10 (so 35 years ago). I know there is the plausibility that my medically prescribed Anabolic Steroids, which I had been given as a child to grow, may have affected my emotions... coupled with the emotional and to some extend physical abuse I have endured from my mother during my teens.

I have been angry for 35 years now... but I have never attacked someone. My ex claims she is afraid of me (she is, but not for the reasons she states). Why? I have never threatened her, I have never thrown things at her, I have never used any force on her, didn't call her every name under the sun (called her a Fucking Bitch once in 11 years time; she's told me to Fuck off 2x... So that's quite equal I'd say)... None of that; neither do I have a history of threatening or aggressive behaviour towards people out on the street. Up till recently, sadly, I could say I have fought in more than 20 years; but I got attacked by a bored teenager in August, flying kick against the back of my head, and I could not leave that unpunished (I have been harassed/ assaulted a few more times after that, but I decided that retaliating was not the right choice and refrained from it).

I always say... and I don't use that as an excuse and people just have to accept it... I use it to explain the 'why':

-Anger has always been a reflection of how hurt I am; no one seems to understand that-

That's how it is... and no one cares; I feel lonely, unbelievably lonely. Not because I don't have any people in my life... I am a popular loner; I know a lot of people and a lot of people know me, but I am usually by myself... Loneliness is not the feeling of being alone, it is the feeling that no one understands.

[meepmeeperton]

I would say you should focus on getting your anxiety under control more than anything. People will tell you to listen to your "gut" but when you have intense anxiety your gut is constantly telling you you're about to die.

I'm guessing you looked at a lot of social media posts about emotional abuse in relationships, and a lot of the time those aren't the best sources and may just freak you out even more. It's better to just focus on therapy if it's only your third session and they can help you asses whether your fears about your relationship are rational or based in anxiety.

[Asker]

I think my fears were irrational but I did talk to my aunt about the whole relationship, money he owes me; peer pressuring into sex and shit. And she told me to dump him too. Tbh I suddenly feel so liberated since yesterday that no matter what he is saying rn, i can’t give a fuck anymore. I have hopes for the relationship but I’m running out of fucks to give

[Vesuvius87]

You've only been in a relationship for 6 months and already have a bunch of arguments and drama? That's a short period and it should still be the honeymoon stage where it's all relatively new and exciting. I think it's time to reevaluate your relationship. If there are too many argument and incompatibilites that's not good in the long-run.

[DishLady]

If your intuition is telling you to be afraid of this guy, there’s a good reason for it.

[Asker]

Thing is I have an anxiety disorder so I don't know if it’s an intuition or if im just anxious. Cause I love being around him and meeting him. I feel safe in his arms. But when he’s not around I get such weird thoughts

[DishLady]

Don't doubt yourself just because you have a labeled anxiety disorder. Sit down and make a list. Write out everything that's bugging you. That will be a nice objective measure for you, ok?

You should also speak with a therapist about it, preferably one who you're familiar with.

[Asker]

I spoke to my mom, she was against me being in a relationship at this age to begin with. She says im too influenced with social media and stuff. Plus it is true u never know anyone for a while. I’m going to talk to the therapist tomorrow too.
Tbh I’ve never felt unsafe with him, but when he ain’t around or we have an argument then I’ll get such thoughts on occasion.

[DishLady]

So then listen to her. She's probably right and knows you best.

[Asker]

I’ve also made a document of all stuff bothering me, which my therapist also will review

[DishLady]

Great. And just be yourself. Remember if your intuition is telling you something it's good to listen to it.

Sometimes it's like your mom said and you're just too young or not ready for it yet. And that's fine also. When you're ready you'll feel the difference. :)

[boggboss]

Sounds like you need therapy which u state u have started maybe dont tell your friends about every argument u have with him as it seems to be influencing u in a negative way example assuming he has bpd from Google searching and not him being diagnosed by professionals

[Asker]

yeah i think you are right. he did tell me to stop telling my friends everything because they would be influencing me the wrong way, mom too was like only talk to family and ur therapist, no one else cause people could use it against you or take advantage of you.

[boggboss]

Its more so when u tell your friends about bad things thats what they remember where as when u then fix them and move on they will still have those negative thoughts in their heads

[Asker]

yeah, and now its gonna be so hard for me to change their mind over this uk.

[boggboss]

Yes it will as they will assume u are being manipulated I guess use it as a life lesson

[Asker]

yeah i guess, tbh i know theyre just looking out for me, but i think best to just rely on parents and therapist.

[boggboss]

The same things can and do happen with family also just understand how your words can influence others

[Asker]

I mean who to trust then to be honest. I have esteem issues, overthink like a maniac, and find it uncomfortable being alone. There is a part of me that wants to be with my boyfriend other part tries to get me to leave. i dont even know what is right and wrong anymore.

[boggboss]

Its not about trust its about understanding how your words can influence and change the opinions of others about people u date as for your issues hopefully u can find ways to sort that in therapy

[Asker]

Hmm, true. To be honest the amount of arguments me and my boyfriend had and honestly in 6 months it shouldn't be this hard. We love and care for each other and decided to give it a last shot and improve. If we fight again and he starts it due to his shit mood and then brings up problems then I will need to break up because first few times i let him off (when it wasn't my fault) but now it is draining me. He is a good guy but he needs to learn to manage his issues too. Every fight slowly breaks me down. I know eventually if not him ill find someone better. I am really wanting to work on our problems now and still love him but it is what it is.

[boggboss]

Well yeah u both need to work on the issues u are having to ensure the relationship will work and learn to communicate in a healthy manner

[Asker]

i was telling him this yesterday, that before and when he is back from his visit with family (2.5 weeks from now) we will need to start talking about expectations, boundaries values etc. I want to tell him sometimes i get physically sick because i stress out too much. like one of it is with sex drives and needs which we're trying to find a middle ground on. I dont know how to set boundaries so im discovering that in therapy too.

[boggboss]

Thats fair enough but also somthing u would need to work out as its not somthing he would be able to fix for u

[Asker]

Yeah, we've been working on it, finding a middle ground

[boggboss]

Good good as long as u guys communicate then u should be fine

[BetaBucks]

If he had BPD, you would know it. Nothing you write gives off those vibes, and I'm super familiar with the vibes. Assuming he will get violent is really a good sign that you should seek some personal therapy and that maybe you're just not mentally ready for a relationship just yet. A never forget that your friends will sabotage your relationships for the rest of your life. This is normal.

[Asker]

I say bpd cause mans will be completely okay and his mood will suddenly switch because smth was bothering him and then the anger is out on me in terms of saying I don’t understand him or I don’t love him tho he knows I do love him. I will say we both are insecure and his past is a bit rough with more trust issues than mine.

[BetaBucks]

If that was the standard then every female I've ever met has bpd. Now, if he was yelling and causing chaos, I'd see what you mean. The bpd people I've known don't go from 0 to 2. They go from 0 to 10. Sounds like this guy is just moody for male standards. Which tbf is definitely annoying. No one wants a moody guy. We barely tolerate it from girls.

[meepmeeperton]

@betabucks I think you're on the money with this. People with BPD don't simply switch moods, they will get extremely toxic fast. Self harm, suicide threats, yelling and crying, that kind of thing.

I'll also add female friends often give notoriously bad advice to other women about men they're involved with. They pulled the BPD diagnosis out of their ass because it is annoying to deal with moody men.

[BetaBucks]

. 🤝 .

[abc3643]

You mean your ex-boyfriend.
Move on.
The longer you two are together, the more of each other's time you are wasting and, furthermore, the more time and opportunities you are wasting to find your next boyfriend.

[Asker]

It just we both really do like each other and trying to make things work. And i am finding it so hard to even let go off him cause we both are so attached.

[abc3643]

You think that, but I am not so sure about that. Fights like this are no good.

Psychologically speaking, you have changed due to negative feedback from your repeatedly bad issues with him. This is why you developed an "irrational fear that my boyfriend will physically hurt me". It's not irrational.

So, unless he fundamentally changes and these negative experiences cease, you will not get the necessary positive experiences to eradicate this feeling from positive reinforcement.

We all know that's not going to happen, so your feeling will not go away until you are free of him.

[Asker]

update: i let him go. his behavior was showing disrespect indirectly and no longer worth pursuing

[abc3643]

Good for you, young lady! It's now the first day of a better rest of your life. Good luck and reach out if you have any additional questions about this.

[Asker]

Now it’s more on moving on and healing and how to stop being so naive type shit.

[DrPepper12]

I didn't read past the header. Yruet your gut and GTFOT

[Asker]

Thing is I have an anxiety disorder so I don't know if it’s an intuition or if im just anxious. Cause I love being around him and meeting him. I feel safe in his arms. But when he’s not around I get such weird thoughts

[OddBeMe]

There’s no disorder to accept toxicity or violence.

I’m bcd 2, I should know.

[normalice]

Maybe ask him to spank you?

[OhLongJohnsoning]

are you dating him BECAUSE he's older?

[Asker]

Uh no? I mean infact we’re in the same year for uni. His charm, caring nature and passion to excel in his life is the reason we are together

[OhLongJohnsoning]

So if he was a year younger, but had the exact same stuff, you'd still date him?

[Asker]

Maybe?

[OhLongJohnsoning]

Then don't ask this damn question

[Anonymous]

Should've picked the bear.😆

[Asker]

lol what 😭

[In_Trance]

So break up