Is it normal to break up with your partner because of how connected they are with their family?

[Anonymous]

I hate family because I grew up in an awfully dysfunctional family. She and I met off of this same principle, as I made it blatantly clear from meeting her that I am not family oriented. I cut off my family and I have zero anticipation on putting effort into someone else’s. Like if it comes, it comes at my pace. But my pace is not in the first year of dating.

I 26M with 21F have been dating for a year. She lives with me. She calls her mom every single day and throws her entire family in my face every day. She forcibly made her mom come out to visit for one week because she missed her and cried every day. That one week turned into two weeks bc her mom bought her car. Well today when she was on the phone, she must’ve put on video because of could hear in the other room “and don’t you make any comments on the sex swing” and the mother continued to talk about it, just as really anyone else would’ve done. That made me feel like my entire sexual space has been compromised. I hate family. They literally ruin everything. I feel disgusting and like the one interesting new and fun thing I tried is a complete failure. I’m also mad that in the 3 months of having it, we only used it once.

I’m just one man fighting with his own psyche because that’s how I was raised. Help me make this moral dilemma a little easier. Thanks.

Updates

1 y

I decided to break up with her. Being with her causes more pain than being without her. Also decided to not self-delete for now. This house is going to get lonely with just me in it tho… and my disabled ass could run out of money so that might be my time. Anyway good luck everyone. Thanks for reading.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

OK...

From what you wrote, I see two dysfunctional dynamics butting heads here. I'll try to unpack what I see, and if it helps, great. If not, at least know I tried to be helpful.

1. It sounds like you are very hurt by whatever dysfunction your family of origin had; alcoholism, drugs, toxicity, abuse, domestic violence, whatever it was. That raw experience likely puts your mind into fight or flight mode when you hear or observe "family". You just want to get away from it and move on. But you can't, because it's in your head still. You're still mad and hurt and your insides won't let it go because whatever it was wasn't right. The emphasis you place on controlling the family aspect of things indicates that. Those things require therapy. I assume that you would agree that some families are composed of good people who care about one another and stick up for each other. Perhaps one day you'd like to build that kind of family with someone. But you can't, until you face how mad you are that your family wasn't that for you.

2. It seems possible that her family has a dysfunctional dynamic called enmeshment. It's a total absence and lack of respect for individuality and boundaries. Now, her mom may be worried about her, and is not going to ever reject her daughter, but at some point there should be some individualizing on your girlfriend's part to separate her own identity from that of her mother. It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't have a strong sense of self, which is one reason she's attracted to you. You're a stronger personality, independent and adventurous, which is exciting to her. She likely feels safe knowing you've got it figured out. But when she gets too far out of her comfort zone with your edginess, she runs back to what's familiar: Her boundary-less, hyper-knit family (or mom). This also requires therapy and the setting of boundaries, but she won't do it unless she somehow realizes it's unhealthy and holding her back. She will never risk her enmeshed relationship with her mom unless she can see that she is capable of making good decisions without her mom's guiding light.

The only thing you can do is sort your stuff out. That will put you in a better position to determine how you want to move forward. It's a hard place to be, but the fact you are aware of your own struggles is really amazing. Many people aren't that self-aware and just blame everything and everyone else. Well done, and I wish you the best.

[Asker]

From me to you, thank you for that real over-arching perspective. I certainly can see her pov better. But all in all, this entire situation I’ve landed disgusts me when I look at her attraction like that. What’s more, what I need to do to remediate it. I’m about 10% closer on my logical decision to self-delete, and I’m actually feeling better about it. Why does anyone enjoy being alive?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Asker You could do that, I suppose. I don't agree that it's logical, but phrasing it that way generally makes people feel like it's the thing to do. It would mean that you've been beaten, though. Life chewed you up and spit you back out. Now it's sitting there, looking at you, daring you to attempt to stand up to it again. Will you take on the challenge, or cop out?

Part of my decision to move forward in life at certain times is probably born out of sheer defiance, ha. I won't go into my background, but I empathize with you. Life is cruel and unfair and people can be evil and selfish. But we have a choice: To yield, or to overcome and win. Anyone can win, but they have to show compassion to themselves first.

[Caroline91]

Sounds like you have a lot of insight, but also still have a lot to unwrap. I was, like many, raised in a very dysfunctional family, but even so, there was a lot of love, so that helped. Around age 15, I realized that I didn't have to follow anyone else's narrative, but could write my own life script and so, I have. But it did take a lot of good therapy to be able to do it in a positive way.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the choppy waters of love and family dynamics can indeed feel like steering a ship through a storm, especially when two people come from wildly different familial backgrounds. Your feelings are valid, but they also highlight a classic case of mismatched family values and boundaries. The dilemma you're wrestling with isn't just about the sex swing or the intrusive video call; it's about fundamental differences in how you and your partner view family involvement in your lives.

Love, in its most harmonious state, involves compromise and understanding. It sounds like your partner's family is deeply intertwined with her life in a way that clashes starkly with your preference for distance and autonomy. It's crucial to communicate openly with your partner about how this makes you feel without dismissing her values. A heart-to-heart where you express your need for privacy and slower pace in embracing family might help.

However, if the thought of family involvement is a deal-breaker for you, and if your partner's need for close familial bonds is non-negotiable for her, it might be worth considering if this difference is surmountable. Love is about building bridges, but sometimes, the structural integrity of those bridges depends on the mutual willingness to meet halfway. Think about what you're willing to compromise on and discuss this openly with your partner. It's a tough sail, but navigating these waters together, with honesty and respect, is key.

[Asker]

That’s a great response. But I’m more looking for an answer from non-AI sources. Thanks anyway.

[DrPepper12]

You date her you date her family and upbringing. Be patient and go to therapy.

[avery58]

You can breakup for whatever reason you feel like, it would be worse if you stayed and argued with her or made her feel bad because of it.

[Asker]

This is honestly a nasty response, the more you think about it. Would you tell someone about to jump off a bridge to jump?

[avery58]

What does that have anything to do with this?

Okay then don't break up, I don't really care either way. It was just an opinion