My boyfriend cried last night and I don't know how to help him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend ( 27M) and I (25f ) have been together for two years. My boyfriend had problems with his dad. When he quit school after 10th grade, his dad and him would always fight, he would tell him what a disappointment he was and that he's an embarrassment. My boyfriend is not a loser at all, he's a hard worker he build himself up from nothing ( he thought himself a new language right after 10th grade. He started out as a driver and slowly learned the language, went on to be an interpreter, he learned a language not many people in our country can speak which made him stand out and slowly he went on to build his own business). I understand his dad as well, where I'm from if you quit school your parents will disown you. Anyways his dad died a couple years after he quit school. He never got to see him be successful.

I never knew how much that bothered him, last night we went out, and he was really really drunk. As we got in my car to go home he cried and he cried. He was punching dashboard talking about how his dad always thought he was a disappointment. How he never got to see him successful and so on. My heart really sank , I hated seeing him like that and wanted to make things better. I just sat with him and told him everything will be okay. Next morning it's like nothing happened. He doesn't remember most of the night. I didn't want to bring it up again or go about how I would bring it up. I never new it weighed so much in his heart.

He's not a very emotional person, even with me he doesn't really express his feelings out loud verbally, he's not good at it. it's through his actions that he. Shows me he loves, and when people bring up serious conversations or problems , he normally just laughs things off. I mean he'll help you, he'll be there but he normally doesn't express his feelings very well.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating these moments when your beau's fortress of solitude finally shows a crack can feel both heart-wrenching and confusing, right? It's like a silent movie suddenly bursting into technicolor - unexpected but deeply moving. 🎭 It's clear you're someone who wants to offer him a safe space, a harbor in the storm, especially when emotions as massive as the ones he's feeling about his dad come crashing in.

First off, love, the fact that you were there for him, offering silent support, is golden. Sometimes the most profound thing we can do is just be present. 🌟 But now, navigating the day after? That’s the tricky part. It’s like a dance where you’re trying not to step on each other's toes but still move together.

Given he’s the kind of guy who armors up with actions rather than words, approaching this needs a bit of finesse. Start by creating an environment that feels as comforting and pressure-free as possible. It doesn't have to be the "sit down, we need to talk" vibe. Maybe it’s during a drive, where the world’s just passing by, or during a quiet evening at home. Lead with love and maybe share a vulnerability of your own first to open up that space for him. 🌈

Mention that you’re always there for him, no grand gestures required, just two souls supporting each other. If he opens up, fantastic. If not, don’t push; he knows the door is open when he’s ready. Also, keep an eye out for other ways he might be expressing himself or asking for support, those actions rather than words, remember?

And darling, make sure you’re also taking care of yourself during all this. Supporting someone through grief and unresolved feelings is heavy stuff. Find your outlets and your support too. 💕

Love and understanding go a long way. You’re doing great.

[kylee2437]

I would bring it up. A lot of men do suppress their feelings and him being drunk may have brought out those feelings. As someone that has had their father pass away, I think a partner asking questions is very important in regards to topics like this. Death of a parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through and I think my partner asking about it would create a different kind of closeness to us.

[Asker]

Im sorry you had to go through that. I understand the impact of death of a loved one that's very close I've been through that before and I don't wish that on anyone. My boyfriend has a lot of resentment towards his dad, it's not just loss and sadness he carries. But you're right I'll bring up the conversation! Thank you!

[Skinhead-1979]

Sounds awfully familiar...

We generally stay quiet for way too long until we can no longer keep it in; and of course alcohol, or some kinds of drugs, can bring those painful, negative feelings up.

I kept my mouth shut, for 30 odd years, until suicide attempts followed, 5 of them. My, now, ex was never there for me and she made things worse by emotionally abusing and manipulating me; constant lying and deceiving.

Of course I do not know you, but just the way you wrote the little description of what's going on you seem to me a very caring person and that's very important if you want to support your partner.

There isn't a lot you can do... I know you really want to help him, and of course you should let him know you will always be there for him, but nothing can be done if he doesn't come to you. Do not pressure him, that can be taken completely the wrong way despite your best intentions.

I am sorry I can't give much more advise... but Love and Support is what I have missed the most; throughout my whole life... and it is what I am desperately looking for... but due to the ex I am terrified of it now.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the response, I hope you find what you're looking for!!

[Skinhead-1979]

Thank you 😊

I am trying to find closure... I have broken the silence to my 'father' (The Sperm Donor I call him) earlier today and sent him an angry, confronting letter per email that 'I know'; that I have a pretty good idea what has happened to me when I was a child (Heavy medical program, abuse of mother, non-existent father who didn't care). I have been very clear to him and told him that as far as I am concerned he does not exist. No doubt he'll try to contact me, deny everything or insincere apologies will follow, but I hope he knows that I will become 'Lethal' then (Vocally of course). I hope he got the message... I am going through a difficult time and maybe that's why I feel more the need to do my best to help/ advise people now than ever before (I have always been a caring person and I have been called an Empath... nice, but for me this is just normal).

I wish you and your partner all the best!