Boyfriend refuses to get help for his drinking?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been together for 2 years now and his drinking is getting worse. He told me he would stop and he’s drinking again. He’s a self admitted alcoholic. I asked him if he would go to AA or therapy and he refuses. I don’t know what to do, it’s breaking my heart to leave him. I don’t know how to get him to see that he needs help.

[MrOracle]

One of the hardest things to accept about an addict is that you cannot change them, and you cannot make them want to change. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, they have to come to the point on their own that they are ready to change. And, yes, sadly, not everyone survives their addiction long enough to get to that point, and others will hurt people around them - or total strangers - before they have to face their problems.

Hard as it may be, the best thing you can do is show "tough love" and end things with him. Know ahead of time that he'll get worse, and that you can't stop him from getting worse, and all you can do is hope he eventually gets so tired of his awful situation that he'll actually want to change.

That process took 25 years for a friend of mine, whose now been sober for 12 years but whose life is still very messed up by his addiction in many ways. When he was in his addiction, he could not be helped - he would lie, cheat, steal, or do anything to get to his booze, and he didn't care about the consequences. He finally, FINALLY got so tired of his miserable life that he got help and got sober, but it couldn't happen until HE was ready for it. You don't have that long to wait.

[Asker]

Thank you for your reply. I did leave him three weeks ago because of the drinking but then he messaged me recently and we got back together. He promised he would quit because he wants to be with me, but that only lasted days and now I’m in the same situation. I could tell he was drunk and he didn’t want to be honest and just say that he drank. He lost his job and he’s barely getting by. He rents from his parents so he’s not worried about being homeless. His situation is bad and you’d think he’d buy food, but instead lives off drinks.
He’s a nice guy, but the addictions are too much for me. At the same time I’m having a hard time leaving him. Logically I know I should. He’s been abusive verbally and physically when drunk. I see the potential in him if he’d try, but I know I’m wrong in looking at it that way.

[MrOracle]

Yes. Staying with him is just enabling him. He needs to see that his addiction costs him in every area of his life - his job, his income, his reputation, his family, and his love life. He's not going to change until he not only loses everything, but has grown so sick of having lost everything that it's finally worth getting the help. The longer you stay, the worse it is for him, and of course, for you. I know you love him, but staying with him isn't the kind of love he needs. It's not like he has cancer and needs help with treatment - this is an addiction, and the only way to help is to take everything away, so he can't hide from the addiction.

[Asker]

Yes you’re right. I guess I have to sort of view it like if I love him I have to do what’s best for him in hopes of it making a difference. All but one of his friends drink and do drugs, his family members drink every day and he said they’re alcoholics too. He goes to see them and they all drink together. It’s a sad situation.

[Asker]

Sorry I meant all his friends except for one.

[DryGermanGuy]

Unless you can force the guy by having power of attorney, there is nothing to do. He will only turn you into a codependent.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the stormy seas of a relationship when addiction is the third wheel is both heartbreaking and challenging. Your love story took a twist you didn't sign up for, and here you are, contemplating how to anchor the ship before the storm gets worse. First off, remember, you're a superstar for standing by him, but even superstars have their limits. It's like dancing in the rain — romantic yet chaotic if you don't know when to find shelter.

Getting someone to admit they need help and take the leap is as tricky as convincing a cat to love water. However, love, it's essential to realize that change must come from him. It's his journey to embrace, no matter how much you wish you could just lovebomb him into recovery.

Consider an intervention with loved ones or seek guidance from a professional who can give you strategies specific to your situation. Remember, it's not just about him finding his way back but also about you keeping your well-being in check. Don't let your ship sink while trying to be his lighthouse. Sometimes, taking a step back is the loudest wake-up call. Stay strong, lovebird. Your heart deserves peace too. 💔💪

[gorydetails]

There's not much that should be as disheartening to someone as pouring out their emotions and pain on this site about a very complex situation, only to have some bullshit AI regurgitate words it finds on the internet.

[animesenpai]

To young to deal with that bullshit cut the relationship loose go find something better. You can help or fix those who don't want it

[In_Trance]

You need to do what's right for you

[HelpfulWoman]

so make him an ex.
he's not going to change