Relationships

Am I at fault for struggling to get over the trauma?

I had a horrible marriage, he abused me, threatened to kill me, penetrated me when asleep, doubted me, gaslit me into believing his behaviour is justified. he'd wake me up at night to fight or i'd find him staring at me midsleep. He verbally abused me too.

i ran. and i divorced him in a few months. Everybody was so proud of me that i'm not falling apart and taking it so well. but I didn't, i cried so much at night. sometimes i fell apart infront of my family but not a lot so they think i'm okay.

but i feel it's hitting me now a year later. i don't feel lonely but get extremely jealous of people. i had depression & anxiety before marriage. i feel depression is getting to me. but i am self-aware and just wait for the episodes to pass. and I try to stay away from people during episodes cos they;re either insensitive or I get irritated.

But i am being made to feel like im being unreasonable by some close friends without whom i have no one to talk to. I'm not doing this on purpose. I have a friends with benefits who is also a close understanding friend but he also asks me to chill out because I don't wanna fvck that much. but i dont feel like doing anything, I just wanna talk or listen. and I cry too much these days.

I also check on my ex husband. i am so messed up. Weekends are terrible because i get time and i tend to overthink. Work days are fine. I do my hobbies too but i feel like these people are right. I am over reacting. their words are giving me headache but i dont wanna cut them off becuase they might be right.

Am I at fault for struggling to get over the trauma?
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