Girls, Would you be ok with your boyfriend keeping his ex wife's clothes?

Looking for advice

My boyfriend I've been with since 2022. He still has his ex wife's clothes and wedding dress. They split in 2018 didn't divorce until 2021 and she died a few months later. He's tried to give me her things and I told him no it makes me uncomfortable and said he needs to donate or sale her things. He told me last year he would... then a few days ago I mentioned it again and he said "I've been meaning to sell a lot of stuff" but gave me no time frame. Today his mom told me her neighborhood is having a community yardsale in October and when she asked my boyfriend if he wanted to sell anything he said no 😡 I'm about to bag up her stuff and put it in the car myself. We have a 3 month old and have blended our family together and he had talked about marriage. But her things have to go before I consider marrying him.

Updates

1 y

I feel like I should add why they split. She kept cheating on him and bringing men she met on Facebook to their while he worked. He eventually told her she had to leave and she went to live with her mom 14 hours away. So i really don't understand why he is still hanging onto things. The wedding dress was my her first marriage not theirs.

Updates

1 y

*to their home while he worked*

Anonymous

(30-35)

This is deeply hard to accept, but you’re not the love of his life hun, she was and he lost her in a way that was out of his control. It happens even if the other person were alive, he could’ve fucked up, lost her and regret it forever no matter who else comes along. In that respect, it’s deeper than just her clothes. He’s struggling with deep trauma that he probably should’ve worked on healing before getting into a relationship.

I wouldn’t toss out her things if I were you, because in any case he’s still grieving and you shouldn’t rush it along or decide how he should handle this pain, whether it’s over his ex passing or a loved one in general. Loss is loss.

What I’d really be thinking about we if I were you is how to handle this in a healthy way. Even if you aren’t the love of his life, he still loves you and if your relationship is worth fighting for then let him grieve in peace, without attaching so much to it.

Asker

1 y
I wish he would talk to me and be open and honest. Before we got serious I asked him several times if he was ready to date and he said yes. I even asked if anything of hers was sentimental to him and he said no and needed to sell them. I'm so confused 😕 because I feel like I've asked all the right questions.

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Asker

1 y
Maybe I could suggest a heirloom box for the wedding dress. Just to make space to hang more of my things up.

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Opinion Owner

1 y
It was wrong of him to say he was ready. I think sometimes people can’t handle their loneliness, and despite knowing he was still grieving, he selfishly did not want to be alone anymore and got with you. It’s unfair to you especially, because this could’ve all been avoided had he not been running from his trauma. Anyway, I don't know how big the dress is or if it really requires a box but I’d say store it in the garage or a closet for things you don’t really use. Where ever it can be out of sight, really. From there I’d say just give him time.

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Opinion Owner

1 y
Also per your update, I don’t think why they split matters. I used to think it did, yet I’ve seen exes at funerals crying harder than the current wife. Sometimes when a person dies, bygones really become bygones. What was done doesn’t matter to him any more because despite all that he still loved her. I can’t say I haven’t been there, still having love for or caring for a man who doesn’t deserve it.

Reply
Asker

1 y
My ex was abusive to me. I don't love him but I can't say I wouldn't bother me a little if he passes before I do. Especially since we have a child together.

I have considered he might feel guilty because if she stayed she wouldn't have died. Therapy for him and couples therapy might be good for us.

The dress is big. I have a storage unit he already uses to store things. It can he placed there or maybe even given to her mom. I don't wish to see it damaged that's why I thought a heirloom box might be a good idea

Reply
Opinion Owner

1 y
With an abusive ex I’d be surprised if you’d feel anything, yet somehow when all is said and done and they’re gone, you could totally feel another way. In any case, if your boyfriend is struggling then therapy would be a great idea. He should’ve done it in the first place, before he met you or was even on the dating scene. Hopefully that can give him the tools to heal.

Reply

What Girls Said

Anonymous
(30-35)

1 y

This is deeply hard to accept, but you’re not the love of his life hun, she was and he lost her in a way that was out of his control. It happens even if the other person were alive, he could’ve fucked up, lost her and regret it forever no matter who else comes along. In that respect, it’s deeper than just her clothes. He’s struggling with deep trauma that he probably should’ve worked on healing before getting into a relationship.

I wouldn’t toss out her things if I were you, because in any case he’s still grieving and you shouldn’t rush it along or decide how he should handle this pain, whether it’s over his ex passing or a loved one in general. Loss is loss.

What I’d really be thinking about we if I were you is how to handle this in a healthy way. Even if you aren’t the love of his life, he still loves you and if your relationship is worth fighting for then let him grieve in peace, without attaching so much to it.

1

6 Reply
- Asker
  
  1 y
  I wish he would talk to me and be open and honest. Before we got serious I asked him several times if he was ready to date and he said yes. I even asked if anything of hers was sentimental to him and he said no and needed to sell them. I'm so confused 😕 because I feel like I've asked all the right questions.
  
- Asker
  
  1 y
  Maybe I could suggest a heirloom box for the wedding dress. Just to make space to hang more of my things up.
  
- Opinion Owner
  
  1 y
  It was wrong of him to say he was ready. I think sometimes people can’t handle their loneliness, and despite knowing he was still grieving, he selfishly did not want to be alone anymore and got with you. It’s unfair to you especially, because this could’ve all been avoided had he not been running from his trauma. Anyway, I don't know how big the dress is or if it really requires a box but I’d say store it in the garage or a closet for things you don’t really use. Where ever it can be out of sight, really. From there I’d say just give him time.
  
- Opinion Owner
  
  1 y
  Also per your update, I don’t think why they split matters. I used to think it did, yet I’ve seen exes at funerals crying harder than the current wife. Sometimes when a person dies, bygones really become bygones. What was done doesn’t matter to him any more because despite all that he still loved her. I can’t say I haven’t been there, still having love for or caring for a man who doesn’t deserve it.
  
- Asker
  
  1 y
  My ex was abusive to me. I don't love him but I can't say I wouldn't bother me a little if he passes before I do. Especially since we have a child together.
  
  I have considered he might feel guilty because if she stayed she wouldn't have died. Therapy for him and couples therapy might be good for us.
  
  The dress is big. I have a storage unit he already uses to store things. It can he placed there or maybe even given to her mom. I don't wish to see it damaged that's why I thought a heirloom box might be a good idea
  
- Opinion Owner
  
  1 y
  With an abusive ex I’d be surprised if you’d feel anything, yet somehow when all is said and done and they’re gone, you could totally feel another way. In any case, if your boyfriend is struggling then therapy would be a great idea. He should’ve done it in the first place, before he met you or was even on the dating scene. Hopefully that can give him the tools to heal.
  
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1 y

I would ask him to get rid of her stuff and clothes. Talk to him about how it makes you feel.

1

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Girls, Would you be ok with your boyfriend keeping his ex wife's clothes?

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