Do you think being kind to your partner and yourself, this is enough for a good relationship and otherwise they’re just not the right person for you?

[VIVANT]

I like I’m sure most of you see gimmicks constantly about how to get a partner keep a partner make a partner happy make sure they don’t stop loving you, blah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah. I think it’s all really overcomplicated.

in my opinion, If you’re good to yourself and good to your partner (something you can’t exactly prepare for or no until you get to know that person, specifically) and things still don’t work out it’s just not right.

A Partner like a friendship, fits into your life and when it doesn’t work despite your best intentions, it’s not the right fit. It’s strange to me to make sure they can make something work with the person they’ve never met. Because you can’t really know how to work things out with someone that doesn’t exist in your life yet.

I don’t think there’s a magic recipe. I don’t think there are truisms that span over billions of people exactly the same way. not beyond kindness…

And I’ve seen tons of relationships, where people went to all kinds of links to maintain a good relationship, and they followed all these rules and at the end of the day some worked some didn’t.

Trying to make something or lose yourself and that can cause the relationship to break apart if you came together because of who you are and who the other person is, and then one of you gets lost, that’s problematic.

Anyhow, I think the way that each person needs to be treated is Definitely context in case & person dependent. There’s no magic bullet. Except Kindness. But that’s true for any relation, not just partners.

I especially dislike people acting fake trying to impress the person And then you end up with someone that you’re not expecting at all. A disillusionment That is totally unnecessary and avoidable.

I AGREE 🙌🏽🙌🏽

I disagree 👎🏽👎🏽

IM UNDECIDED 🤷🏻‍♀️

I HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION ☝🏽

I just wanna see results 👣👣👣

Updates

1 y

(I understand there’s some natural energy in the beginning that’s going to be different because it’s new but I don’t mean that I mean posturing.)

If and when I get to the point of wanting to be in a relationship, I’m not gonna do anything special or gonna be decent and be myself and if it doesn’t work out, I will just take that as being a bad match.

maybe some people will say that is idealistic but if _that_ I is idealistic, I’ll just stay single it’s fine no worries 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️

[OlderAndWiser]

I had a relationship from 2015-2017 that illustrates your point quite well.

I dated Miss Ivy for two years. I was a good boyfriend to her, helped her however I could, spent weekends with her, and I fell in love with her. She fell deeply in like with me, but not love, and being an only child made her rather self-centered at times. Being with her was comfortable and convenient, and I stayed with her too long. Finally, after two years, I decided that I would never have the future with her that I wanted, and I broke up with her. I saw her twice after our break up but went no contact about six months after I said goodbye.

Miss Ivy is a good person. It is not her fault that she was an only child and raised in a way that made her self-centered. She tried to overcome that fault but was often not successful. It is not her fault that she didn't fall in love with me.

We just weren't a good match. I don't have any bad feelings about her and I hope that she finds happiness in her life. And I have never looked back and regretted breaking up with her.

[VIVANT]

this to me is actually actually really nice relationship in the sense that you both tried and you saw it to its conclusion. I think it’s sweet. Maybe you waited a little too long or maybe you needed that time to make sure you gave it your all.

Ultimately it worked out as it should and you both gained wisdom with no bitterness — which is the worst.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"how to get, how to keep, how to make, how to..."

How to control. Whole business there, before social medias' audience, it sold magazines and books. A whole business probably exploiting our needs to control outputs for inputs, profits and losses. The usual song of productivity. Applied to people? It's not looking great.

"a magic recipe"

Tempting recipe, a spell of invulnerability, to avoid being left, to avoid sorrow. To make sure an investment is not wasted. This is exploitable, and it is exploited, by a market, by people themselves, in any relations, willingly, unconsciously, anything. There's a breach in people's heart, so there is exploitation to expect.

"not kindness alone but being kind specifically to the person you are with"

Specifically, yes, for some reasons. I see these reasons located in what we call personality, an improbable sculpture of thoughts, life, views, values, beliefs and... The irretrievable pieces of a spirit impossible to grasp.

It looks like simplicity itself, personalities going together.
Except that understanding another personality isn't intuitive at all, understanding ourselves neither. It's a journey through time. But nothing of this isn't done perhaps, if at core, there isn't a spark, to start it all. I cannot name this one spark.

No name? A picture then:

[IslaTheWitch]

being kind is nice and can make people in a relationship feel better... but ONLY being kind doesn't solve any problem...

if you and your partner argue, you also show emotions... you often show how much you care... and you can make a compromise, learn something from the argument about each other and grow as a pair...

from my perspective you have to be honest and genuine... you have to communicate... not only by kind... for some people being kind is like being cold and detached... because ONLY kindness keeps other emotions away... and it could not work well with a person that is the closest to you...

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Yep, hence the returning confusion between kind people, even "honest and genuine communication" is confusing when taken as an isolated concept. Because, for some people, being honest and genuine means being blunt and communicate anything unfiltered, direct brain to mouth language lol

[IslaTheWitch]

@Maybe_Maybe_not I'm such a person... not by choice, but still... somehow I learn what are boundaries of other people if they are willing to show me them... and then I try to align to the expected way of communication

but it happens on the level of a specific person and only if they let me know what they like and dislike...

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I see, though I'm not sure it's related to boundaries? I don't know, I don't really have to deal with blunt takes often, in interpersonal relations. I'm more used to the opposite, like dealing with too much diplomacy, too much restraint lol

[sage2021]

It's not all about the relationship between just the two of you.
I just posted a question with a video (actually two of them) and seeing the person who you are with and how they treat others is very important as well.

Please watch these videos I posted and maybe they will answer your questions.

[VIVANT]

Sure and I do not disagree with you.

[AI Opinion]

Love it! You're diving deep into the heart of relationships, and you're absolutely right. Kindness is essential, and authentic connections are the holy grail of relationships. It's like having a magic wand; without respect and authentic love, it's mostly smoke and mirrors. No gimmicks or quick-fixes! It's all about genuine interactions and embracing who you each are, without losing your authentic selves. Keep it real, embrace the quirks, and let the love flow! 😊

[lightbulb27]

I don't think "kind" is enough anymore than you are happy having apples for breakfast rest of your life... when you know there are buffets.

You need a varied diet, with core nutrients essential to the relationship and individuals and added spices to make it wonderfu to stick with it... even when you see the other patrons plate of overflowing perceived goodness. There's always something else... why do you choose what you have and be happy and content?

My wife calls it "soup". It shoudl be fun to make soup and enjoy it and savor it, but it also takes effort and work. Keeping it fresh and lively?

If the soup lacks salt... you going to enjoy it?

List the ingredients to soup that you appreciate. And the same for the other.

[VIVANT]

But when you’re making that effort, why are you doing it? You’re doing it out of kindness the other person. I wasn’t really thinking of kindness as one dimensional just that it’s conscientious towards the relationship and both of you but without that interest of caring it doesn’t really matter what steps you follow you’ll fall out. Definitely think that relationships are dynamic and that’s what I meant. The only greeting I think was kindness and the rest has to be based on the people that you’re with and yourself with that person.

[lightbulb27]

makes sense!

[Zack-Bann]

I think the true lasting relationship happens when both parties appreciate eachother’s ways of showing affection


My friend for instance constantly pushes his girlfriend to make better choices in life
To some it sounds as though he’s yelling at her but she loves him more and more for it because she recognizes how he cares for saying all that


She shows her love by holding him tight when he’s going though something and not saying a word


The point is: it works


So i think some people get lucky and end up with a perfect match


Some people spend a long time looking

[VIVANT]

That does sound really good and I think that that’s an excellent point about style of affection.

I don’t have proof, but I imagine many relationships People might be kind but terrible people but they pretend for so long to appreciate the way The other person shows affection when deep down it’s not for them and one day they just resent it too much become bitter and seem cruel… all bc they took something that didn’t fit and tried to make it work rather than sticking it out for something that actually works,

It’s not kindness alone but being kind specifically to the person you are with. Which is going to change each time.

[Juxtapose]

I agree with you & think it *SHOULD* be common sense but unfortunately people struggle with relationships.

I think in a partnership there will be compromise but also the two people should be good for each other. They should both figure out what each of them need from each other on an individual level. People can vary a lot.

[VIVANT]

yeah I think if there’s Goodwill towards each other, then you contented the things that need to be tended to and if it doesn’t work out, you’re not right for each other but you did try. I just don’t think there’s any magic recipes because of the fact that everybody’s very different

The same person will be different than each relationship that they’re in and they will also have an impact on the other person will be different than they were before and so on and so forth

if you’re willing to figure things out and doesn’t work, probably you’re just not a good match. I don’t think there’s any magic recipe because as you say everyone’s different.

I think people fall recipes rather than tapping in to genuine incentive because they want a relationship and it doesn’t necessarily end it mattering who it is with. Considering how dysfunctional relationships are going around the world right right now. Billions of people those people would find people they actually get along with and care about rather than being a chore. Full of bitterness

[D_Bone_Steak]

TL;DR

I just dropped my phone in the toilet after I took a shit and was about to flush, so I had to dive in and save my phone, and then I dropped my beer. I cleaned up my phone and washed the protective case it was in, and cleaned up the beer with my partner's shower towel.

All I'm hoping for is that she won't notice that I did a thing again. I just cracked open my new beer...

Party on!

[WindAtMyBack]

No it's not enough. You have to be compatible, which is shorthand for saying there are a hundred other things that need to be in place. Nobody can put a finger on just what those things are. We call it chemistry - might as well cal it magic. Either way there is no logical rational explanation for why two people are compatible. They just are.

I stopped second guessing why two people are together. I've seen too many "perfect" couples who got divorced and ended up hating each others' guts. I've seen couples that seemed like there was no way they'd get along, yet they stayed together for a lifetime.

I think if I had to pick a single word that is most important, it would be unselfish.

[Makeushiver]

Its important but at the same time it is sad. The partner that you are deliberately treating with kindness n is usually someone where in kindness would seem out of the realm of possibility when you first met. Its a rough transition when the thrill of infatuation leaves and the responsibility to do all of the the things that used to be spontaneous now seem a chore. That however is the nature of relationships. The ones who succeed are the ones that do the work hen the w ok to becomes necessary. After the making out everywhere disappears and the 3 x a day Sea becomes fooling around. Americans habe had such easy lubes that the concept of sacrifice, doing without, of working on a relationship instead of going home with the sweet young thing at the office party is considered and discarded. We judge the rest of the world w/o the experience of so much of it.

[Emmytexrex]

"That’s a really interesting way of looking at it. It’s true that some things just can’t be forced, no matter how much we want them to work. I guess finding the right person is more about discovering a natural connection than trying to build something out of thin air."

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Playing devil's advocate: I think building it out of thin air could work but then only when both persons implicitly agree that a relationship is a job? Why not, some people give me that feeling they could go in this direction

[Jamie05rhs]

Yes, I think it is somewhat simple like you said, ... but it's also more than that. Because life is complicated, people are complicated, and people's situations are complicated.
So I don't agree with the school of thought that "everything will just fall into place." No; it won't. It needs to be guided. It needs to be nurtured and cultivated. And even before that, it needs to be specifically planned. You need to have a vision. You shouldn't just leave things to chance. That's way too stressful. People have a hard enough time already. There's no need to tax their emotions with extra confusion and anxiety unnecessarily. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

[Jamie05rhs]

"and if it doesn’t work out, I will just take that as being a bad match.".
Yeah, I really don't think that's going to work out. Yes, you should absolutely be yourself! (And don't try to be someone else!). But you also have to put in effort. Everyone does. 💚

[Jamie05rhs]

But I don't think there's a magic recipe or magic formula either.

[NathanDavis]

to be kind... is a very, VERY, basic condition

of course is not enough... a relationship is something, well... it has to be something special

so being a basic decent human being is not going to cut it

[nonchalantindividual]

Yes.

But just to add that men in general receive their first flower during their death. It is because women typically look down on men who loves it. That's why they don't bother buying flowers for their boyfriends/husbands.

[VIVANT]

I think that’s a travesty. And men need to up their standards for affection expectations... Women will adapt.

in long when I think it’ll be healthier for everyone because the more men can get comfortable with their emotional needs the more they’re going to be able to express themselves emotionally for their partners and the more their partners will be able to see it as a positive thing and the more everybody will experience love, comfortably without shame.

so because a lot of women that also struggle with confronting their emotions and what their needs are so there’s just a lot of repress over the place that everybody can get comfortable with the totality of who they are and what they need the better for everyone.

It’s not much but I try to give flowers to men anytime it’s appropriate. Because I believe in that. in my small corner of the world. 🌺

[VIVANT]

Hmm sorry that was audio and there are a bunch of typos, but probably you get the gist of

Just in case the summation is- I think there’s a lot of prejudice against men having emotional needs, which is harmful. Equally , there’s also a lot of disrespect towards women who express emotional needs, which is harmful.

Both of these social behaviors crate shame towards emotion which I think results in women shaming men and men shaming women and a lot of bitterness where no one is functioning well or happy.

Leading to just way too many people overall of any gender who are just 100% repressed and it’s sad. And there’s really no reason for it. 🫤

I’m against it 💯 ☝🏽 lol

[nonchalantindividual]

Sorry for generalizing so much.

[RageBabe]

Yes, but of course you will have your little ups and downs, but what counts is if you can make it through them without tearing each other up. Communicating is very important, so when you do have those little moments, go at it, but make the effort to come back calmly to communicate and resolve it. If it's love, it won't be hard to do. Nowadays people just give up at the slightest disagreements, and that's rather sad.

[RageBabe]

Without tearing each other down*

[Lliam]

That's pretty much true, Vivant.

A lasting relationship requires mutual respect, regard, kindness, loyalty and trust.
You have to maintain self-respect while wanting your partner to be happy and fulfilled.

Sacrificing your own values and happiness won't work.

[Sevenpointfive]

no. i'm usually kind to strangers, but not always. i speak my truth and i blame it on the spectrum. i can't lie knowingly so please accept what happens if you engage me. i will definitely tell you that i'm not what you're looking for.

and if you insist after all of that? you might actually stand a chance if i find you attactive and not annoying.

[kaucky1]

Gold gets heavy in colors pink gold quite a bit heavier even golden ashes glowing gold got damn good drugs bunch of manifest symbols makes foods candy junk food not have to leave at all already got space drugs

[Agape93]

No, you need more than that for a good relationship.

[Delia2005]

Somewhat not alone I believe trust and communication is key.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you overall

[Ad_Quid_Orator]

I'd agree.