What would you do in this situation if you were in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

Thanksgiving day, and as is customary and celebrated all over, families are gathering together and visiting that haven't been seen in some time. I have always been the black sheep in my family. I've gotten used to the idea that my family will be judgmental and look down on me due to my interests and hobbies and my outlook on things, but I figured it would just pass with time. Anyway, I get a text from my sister, and she asks if me and the wife and kids are coming over since my dad was in town. Me, being my sarcastic self, told her we will come over on the condition that I can be myself without judgments or criticism. I thought it was a simple joke and she would get the humor or reply with a snarky remark, but instead, tells me that I can't come over if I'm going to set a bad example or cause problems for her. I told her that I obviously wouldn't be intentionally rude or cause issues just because I wanted to stir the pot, but that I just wanted to be able to be myself without feeling like I was constantly being monitored and under the microscope of family just eager to get on my case the second I slip up with a joke or accidentally curse by mistake. She essentially told me that if I wasn't going to abide by her rules or promise to behave myself that I wasn't welcome. Told her that I wasn't serious, but that I was trying to be funny but since we're on the subject I might as well tell her that I'm tired of always feeling like I'm being secretly controlled and judged by family when all I want is to be accepted for who I genuinely am as a person and not have to pretend or act like someone else with my own flesh and blood. This turned into a power play of who's in charge, so I just told her I wasn't going to argue about it anymore and was just going to go to my in-laws instead since the tension was already set in motion and I didn't want to feel unwelcome at the place I was going to spend my Thanksgiving at. Now my dad is writing me off because of it...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you started off defensive, not sarcastic, not a joke. And it went downhill from there.
However, one of the few choices in life that we have is who we spend time with. If your family are not fulfilling for you, maybe your in laws are a better bet.

[RingOfFire]

You have to be who you are. If people can't accept you for who you are, you can't be around them. It's unfortunate but if people really love you they will accept you for who you are.

[Asker]

Absolutely fact, brother.

[Friendlybro79]

Tell us more about what your sister deems a bad example? What interests and hobbies are they so critical on. What behavior are they trying to control. I want to be on your side and answer your question but I would need more to really say what I would do.

Give a specific example of when you feel they're being critical if you don't mind.

Regardless, based on what you did share, and the way the text went, I understand it's not worth arguing over. Short term going to your in laws is prob best.

What I would do is talk to your sister another time and find out what is making her feel this way and try to come to a compromise. You should be allowed to be yourself and they should be allowed to feel comfortable in their own home. You said you wouldn't intentionally be rude which implies people might find you rude at times when you don't think or mean to be. That's how I'm interpreting what you wrote. I could be wrong there. I'm interested and hope you reply.

[Asker]

For example, I like dark humor or creepy stuff such as clowns and oddities, horrorcore music and music pertaining to stuff I can relate to that has lyrics that express how I feel at times. Anything that isn't rainbows and happy I guess is frowned on by them. I'm more of a realist and accepting of the hard times and struggles in life whereas my family likes to pretend they didn't happen or they try and sugarcoat it or overlook stuff rather than talk about it and go into depth on stuff. For example when I was younger and a victim of sexual abuse I was hesitant to open up and discuss it with anyone. Now that I'm older and had time to process and work on myself and my reasons for doing the things I do or did, such as drugs and alcohol and my reasons and feelings behind me masking my own hurt, I'm now more ready to share and discuss difficult things but they are not interested in my viewpoints or my wanting to open up to them.

[Friendlybro79]

Thanks for sharing. This is definitely not an ordinary family dispute. I'm certainly not an expert. I'm sorry for what you've went through and great for you for working on it. A rule of thumb is to abide by people's house rules when you're a guest. For ex if they're a shoes off house take em off. If they don't smoke in the house. Go outside etc. If you don't like their rules then you should not go. Some people are just very turned off my that kind of humor, but in the spirit of family, everyone should compromise a little bit. Family therapy could be an option considering what you've gone through. I wish you well.

[Asker]

I appreciate it. That's definitely something I would do with them if they were the type of people who would be open to therapy but they don't feel like they are needing to work on themselves in any way. They are set in their beliefs that they are perfect in everything they do. It's alright though. I know that my willingness to meet them in the middle and them being unwilling to do the same shows my growth as a person and their stubbornness in growth.

[Friendlybro79]

I agree with you and I'm sorry that you're in this situation. You shouldn't have to feel alienated. That said I hope you find friends that can become more like family. Have a good day and keep in plugging

[David5668]

You were kind of defensive at the start. That being said, I can see myself in you as I’m going through my separation. I always went round to the in-laws for both an Easter and Christmas and cooked for about 13 of us (that was never the plan side, but that’s another chapter of my life). As soon as my (ex) wife announced the separation, the first question raised was whether or not i was still assuming that I’d be welcome (that was confirmed when we attended the funeral of her aunt: very much alone at the back of the church and crematorium) for Christmas. I guess what I’m saying is to try not to go on a sarcastic defensive-no matter how right or wrong you are. All you are doing is giving them free ammunition to use against you. If your head and heart tell you to avoid the situation, then politely decline on the most banal and neutral manner-it’ll really confuse them and let you have the moral high ground.

[Nikki1989]

Perhaps this incident could be a catalyst for deeper conversations about your feelings and needs. Try that.

[Babygirl_S]

I would take those shoes off

[In_Trance]

Say it in one sentence or I'm out

[Friendlybro79]

Don't grow up to be a lawyer lol.

[Friendlybro79]

Or maybe you are a lawyer and hence are tired of reading multiple sentences lol