Should you stay in a relationship with someone who challenges your identity or values?

Question

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

No. That's a great way to lose your mind, though! :D

I think we need to be challenged on our ideas and thoughts, often and respectfully. It refines our thinking and helps us grow. But when we are with someone, the only way that they can help us stay on track is if they know our true identity and love it. That gives them the power to challenge us when we declare that we are a loser, or an idiot, or a failure. They can say "Hey! That's not who you are. That's a distortion."

As for the values aspect, I think we can and should be challenged on how well we live up to our declared values. For example, if someone states that they are pro-life, but have never cared for a foster child, adopted a disabled and unwanted child, or supported a single mother through 18 years of raising a child alone, every one of us should challenge their true values.

But if someone simply disagrees with the stated value (example: healthcare for all), that's going to become an irreconcilable difference because the person who disagrees generally won't be convinced because they have already decided what their position will be. It will be a source of conflict every time a vote comes up. The values must be shared or very, very similar.

GOLDFISH_smile · Accepted Answer

If it's a respectful challenge, sure. If it's a disrespectful challenge, no. A good partner can challenge your identity and values when they don't add up—like calling out hypocrisy or lies you may have in ur own head about yourself (good and bad lies).

Disrespectful challenge is always bad tho, even if they try to make you change "for your own good." This is shit like gaslighting, insulting, pressuring etc. to try to change what you think or how you act. Especially without talking about it or about whether u want to try to change that of urself.

If u get in a relationship with someone, then the most important values & identity should already be compatible. You shouldn't be trying to change them as a person. Everyone can work on themselves tho, and (especially with good communication about it) a partner as a different set of eyes can make it easier to find where you need challenged to better fit values and identity that are already your own.

blueonblack22 · Accepted Answer

Depends on what you mean by “challenges”.

I actually would welcome a person who brings up fair points, fights fairly, shows a good example in their countervailing identity, etc. In fact I dated someone exactly like that back in 2013-2014 (before everything went insane) and I miss her immensely at times.

But nobody wants to date someone like below.

Should you stay in a relationship with someone who challenges your identity or values?

And I’m not just saying that because that lady is fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch. But her personality makes her undateable to virtually anybody who even deviates even slightly from her extremely narrow worldview.

It comes down to arguing about WHAT is right vs. arguing just to BE right. Huge difference there.

Ladsin2 · Accepted Answer

Probably not a recipe for success to remain with someone who doesn't share core values with you. If your woman doesn't respect you as a man, or if your man doesn't respect you as a woman then how will that ever work out. Are you going to force them to respect you? Then they'll just resent you. If your woman is pro-abortion, but you're anti. What are you going to do when she kills your kid? Etc etc.

If it's trivial stuff like tax policy, or who you root for at a football game then who cares.

Crimsyjo · Answer

I'll say no as on the surface we should be attracted to and respectful of a person's values and way they are if we are committed to them. The early stages of relationships are about finding this out tho so it's not like you get together and are perfectly aligned in every way. And both partners need to learn to grow and adapt to become better people. So challenges and values may change. Especially if they were unhealthy ones. But change should come from a desire within and not forced.

TagUrItM8 · Answer

I would say it depends. If it's in the sense of gaslighting and other unhealthy challenges to your identity, then no. But if the challenges they bring are healthy criticisms that cause you both to grow as individuals and in your relationship, yes. The ideal relationship is one where you both grow and mature as people and grow closer as a couple.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Depends. Is it healthy feedback from a caring source or a manipulation tactic. There is a huge difference.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

No somebody trying to force you to change is probably not the one..

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

It depends, they could be right and you could be wrong. How they approach the challenge to your identity or values is really important though.

Dongie · Answer

No! Screw that.

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