Is it normal to be disgusted at how some things were in the past?

[Anonymous]

Things that I'm disgusted with and won't repeat nor ever tolerate:

- My parents' turbulent marriage, where there would even be physical altercations. If a wife screams, the husband would threaten to make her shut up. I dare my husband to tell me shut up. That would be the last time he speaks to me in that manner. That's very dictatorial, extremely rude and would make me feel voiceless. As for putting my hands on me or making threatening gestures? I don't put my hands on anyone nor threaten others either so I deserve the same respect. Assault charges, a divorce and I still know some Judo if it comes to that point. I believe a marriage should never become a yelling match either.

- A father taking charge of ''disciplining'' his child by using an object as a ''teaching method''. I dare anyone using a belt or object on my child in my presence. No way in hell would I just stand there and let my child get hit. Hitting (spanking) isn't teaching. It's just about obeying out of fear. Plus, a mother has every right to go against an abusive method the father is using; she's a parent too. If you have no patience for your own child and have to rely on hitting, do the rest of us a favor and don't ever reproduce. Not everyone can be a parent.

- Pressuring a child to get good grades and don't even focus on getting them involved in social activities nor encouraging them of their natural abilities/talent. Grades are just about memorizing materials in a course. It doesn't measure someone's emotional intelligence nor social skills. I don't want my child to end up getting bullied for lacking social skills. Grades are only good on papers but what happens if they have to actually perform a task and actually work on their professions and they are clueless on what to do?

- My paternal grandmother got cheated and an affair child was born. I never cheated so loyalty is the bare minimum to be expected. Cheat on me and then have an affair child? Good bye. Immediate divorce.

[molonski2]

Thats how it was , and much much worse than that is so many ways..

1 . I have been assaulted and attacked in board daylight including on a train station from the age of 13 till around 26 .

2 . We were often sexually interfered with , use google to search " Beaumaris Primary School Melbourne Australia in the 70s " , 5 convicted pedophile teachers.

3 . I was touched inappropriately by a female family friend of my mother.

4 . At that same primary school there was strapping and caning.

5 . I was punched directly in the head ( 5 times.. big punches , knew how to punch ) in Clarendon street Sth Melbourne at 1am.

6 . I had a knife held to my throat on NYE , in North Melbourne and they were threatening to steal my car , drive off and dump me.

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Thats just off the top of my head , there was much much more , these were violent times , domestic violence was everywhere , and has a woman , you would have had no choice , it was considered " normal " , you upset him , and being drunk was a defence.

Its not a case of acceptance , I didn't accept , I didn't want to be involved , but I was victim blamed all the time , as Billy Joel sung " We didn't start the fire " ..

So when people talk about " The good ole days " thats complete and utter bullshit..

My girls , now women in their 30s , have never been struck by anyone , and thats how it should be , talk to any cop from that era , my circumstance was not at all unusual , and it all started with ultra violence , and unsolved murder , all over most of the world , certainly in Australia.

These were not placid times.

[Asker]

They had their own horrible things too. I'm pregnant at this moment and personally I can't ever imagine hitting my own child (my own flesh and blood) with a damn belt. Did they ever realize how much that thing hurts? How on earth can anyone birth or father kids to assault them with household objects, scaring a little human being, putting fear into them? Disgusting.

The idea of letting my own husband get away with slapping me or hitting me with a belt or heavy sandals for ''arguing with him'' doesn't go with me. That's already battery and worth jail time. If he ever dares joke about doing that... that would be the last time because I'm not tolerating that. A woman that allows that to happen doesn't really love herself. There are a couple cases of women abusing their husbands too. That's also unacceptable. Violence shouldn't be tolerated at all, regardless of gender.
I'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much violence and teachers that were child abusers. It's interesting how many of us evolve and chose not to repeat those horrible behaviors. It's good your daughters never got struck by anyone. In an ideal world, no one should be placing their hands on anyone. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves.

[molonski2]

No No , thats where you are wrong..
There was no option to use the law , law is governed by acceptance , and had your mother done that they would have laughed at her , and said " Sweatheart , take a Bex and lie down " ..
" Mothers little helper , became a thing in the 60s " ..
So dont cast blame on your own parents , you need to understand the times , you didn't have those choices. USA is far too litigious , and thats a part of the problem.
But , its community values at the time , and it was the right of the man , to inflict necessary force , and a wife had a role to play.

With hindsight nothing is easy , so dont blame them.

[Asker]

There was laws by the time my mother was a young woman. I was born in 1987 (currently 37 years old) and she was born in 1965. My parents got married in 1986 and I believe women had many rights by then. If she wanted to report him, she could've done it but it's the blaming and thinking she deserved it and believe that a father is just correcting her child mentality.

[Asker]

*were

[molonski2]

No..
You know what happened if she tried to make a scene?
Shunned and ignored my community , threatening hand written notes ,
A couple of bullets in the letterbox , family pets killed..
Isolated , alone , hated by police..
The law means nothing , its only community values that count..

Oh forgot , she would have also been attacked by an unrelated party and bashed.
I was married in 89 , my first daughter born same year.

DO NOT Blame your parents or even remotely consider legals as an answer , just understand the times and learn , thats all we can do. I've seen all this stuff play out , sometimes people just disappeared.

[Asker]

yeah those were terrible times. Luckily by the time I was a teen and then a young adult, things were improving.

[Anonymous]

You should be in therapy, not seeking attention and validation online.

[Asker]

I'm ok now. I was pointing out things I wouldn't tolerate in my marriage and what I woudn't do to our upcoming child. I was able to recognize unhealthy patterns and will not repeat them.

[PeachyPie93]

I actually believe in hitting discipline.. because it kept myself in line.. Plus I was only hit when I did something truly bad. Also when I did something bad and your dad is coming to give you a beating it is kind of fun to run away and get chased down and beat.. it also made me have a high tolerance for pain..
Now days looking at my nephew who my sister did the talking method with and how disrespectful he is to her, her husband and even my mother, I don't believe in it. Children respect fear they don't respect lessons.. I am the only one he respects because if he disrespects me, he knows I won't talk to him. Plus I used to slap him when he was a kid since I basically had him all the time from a baby until he was 3.. so he has always loved and respected me and has never once raised his voice to me but he raises it to his own father all the time lol.

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear you feel that hitting is the only way to raise children, that you would be lost without relying on hitting. For everyone's sake, I really hope you don't think about becoming a mother. Parenting requires dedication, effort, patience and time... which are qualities that you clearly don't have since you refuse to talk. It isn't just about lecture and talking. It's followed by positive reinforcement. An example would be not giving into their tantrums for not buying their favorite toy and maintain your no as no, no matter how upset they are. That's being firm.
By the way, they already did scientific studies on how detrimental corporal punishment is on children and some European countries even banned it. That's not opinion but rather science right there with facts. If it weren't damaging than no country in the world would've banned it. I'm sure the father just lectures and does nothing else or gives in to the boy's tantrums, which is doing nothing at all. Doing nothing at all and hitting are two polar extremes.

[PeachyPie93]

LOL I don't need to hit anyone.. I just feel it does good for them and teaches them to be strong and orderly. Its only damaging when they are overly punished, when the parent is just actually an abusive person.. The reason it is banned is because how can they in force and make sure parents and teachers, etc. aren't just being abusive? That would be impossible considering looking at the past schools and things, where they were actually just mean, violent predators being cruel to children, some places even molesting and killing them.
His father is defo useless and stubborn and my sister gives in.. but I seen many parents the same way, where I can't stand their children. But to each their own you won't know until you do and considering you don't even have a kid yet or raised one don't tell me about kids.. and you will know how you did once your kid hits 18 and how their life choices go.. anyways not my problem lol. Good Luck, you'll need it :P

[Asker]

You said it yourself, that it can be kind of fun running away from your dad trying to you give a ''beating''. Chasing a child (that clearly is trying to get away from you; doesn't want to get hit.. no one does) with an object for a beating is indeed abuse, regardless of what the child did. What your dad is the exactly the reason why some European countries have that practice banned.
Needless to say I'm ready with all the patience in the world for my upcoming child.

[PeachyPie93]

Yeah my dad was probably a little abusive.. but it didn't damage me, since I wasn't actually scared of him since I would make him mad on purpose to get hit. Plus I also never hit my nephew like that. I would just give him a slap him here or there when he didn't listen or I told him something multiple times and he would keep doing it.
But I am glad you have the patience for them.. Hope it all works out.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Sounds like you’re processing your childhood trauma as an adult

[Asker]

Those were the negative aspect in my upbringing and I refuse to repeat the same pattern with my husband and my upcoming baby. I'm 13 weeks pregnant now and will raised him/her differently. I feel like this whole ''hitting children to make them successful'' is similar to religious fanatism; it sounds like a sick religion to me.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, that’s what happens when you process trauma lol you’re able to recognize all the things that you couldn’t as a child

[Asker]

yeah, repeating the same thing that hurt you as a child seems idiotic. It's like how on earth would you want to put your child (a brand new human being) through the same trauma instead of doing better.

[Summeroflove]

I agree some people should never be married I wouldn’t put up with that form my wife either. Unfortunately you see people who are married where one is too scared to stand up to the other. Because whatever reason it may be

A marriage is a partnership. You’re on the same side and the people fighting all the time aren’t only destroying the other person but both people. It’s a shame how many marriages are abusive and full of cheating. It happens a LOT because people marry for the wrong reasons.

Good people project their goodness onto a evil person who thinks if they’re too stupid to catch on as well as if they aren’t strong enough to stand up for themselves they deserve it.

Once someone sees someone for how abusive they are or finds out about a affair. They are in denial even when they accept that it happened they are in denial that they can make things work like it used to. Once you find one affair there’s been 100s probably. The First affairs were probably very careful and planned out. As where when they are reckless they got away with it so many times they don’t give it a second thought.

[Asker]

yeah no one should ever tolerate getting hit nor cheated on in a marriage, regardless of what gender is doing it. No one deserves that.
I'm starting to believe that several people only get married out of pure attraction and the feeling of falling in love (the initial infatuation stage aka ''butterflies in your stomach'') and so are blindsided by that aspect and think the marriage will be perfect like in fairy tales. They failed to do a vetting process and actually see if they're even compatible to you outside of the bedroom. It isn't just sexual compatibility, but the other areas too. For instance if he were a religious fanatic, then things wouldn't ever work out with me as an atheist.

[Asker]

Those people that married for the wrong reasons (only for the sake of feelings and being madly in love) are prone to later on have arguments once the infatuation stage fades. My marriage wans't just base on the need to constantly feel butterflies in my stomach but on compatibility and mutual respect too. It should include everything. Similar to reading a book and knowing what's it about, not just liking a book because it's pretty.

[Summeroflove]

I’m a Christian but you’re absolutely right….

[Summeroflove]

A lot of people marry for the idea of love never making a real connection. People marry for sex. Marry for money. It NEVER ends up well

[Summeroflove]

I agree with that too. You need a genuine connection