Am I wrong for wanting to find a good man for my friend?

[Anonymous]

My friend is 40 and single. And she’s a catch too. Kind hearted, very Christian, good head on her shoulders, has a good stable job, she’s a great cook, would give you the shirt off her back if you asked her for it and on top of that she’s very pretty to boot. She gets mistaken for being in her late 20’s constantly so her looks and personality are not the issue. She’d make an awesome girlfriend and a great wife but there’s one problem. She has bad luck with men. Her father abandoned her and her mom when she was 6 and she goes after men who treat her like her father even though she deserves better. She’s in therapy right now for it so luckily she recognized there was a pattern.

She can’t pick men for the life of her and on top of that she’s a prude. The men she picks are sexually attracted to her because she’s pretty, but when they even try to get sexual or even just try to get and innocent little kiss from her she gets defensive, and it’s not even just the fuckboys. She’s scared away a few decent ones too, and I know it’s because she’s been hurt.

studies have shown women are happier when they’re in relationships and I LOVE to do matchmaking, so I’ve kind of made it my mission to find a man for her (since she’s terrible at picking men). I do tend to butt in to peoples dating lives and I won’t butt out until they’re in healthy relationships, so I admit it, but I love playing matchmaker I’m good at it when given the chance. I’ve paired up quite a few of my good friends and now they’re happily married to each other, but every time I tell her she needs to be going on dates, she needs to be meeting good men and that I know plenty of good men who would love to date her, all she does is fight me and insist she no longer wants to have a man in her life. This morning she actually told me “for the last time, butt out of my dating life”.

i’ll respect her wishes, but I’m tired of seeing her get hurt by men. Am I the bad guy for wanting to get her a good man?

[D_Bone_Steak]

Didn't you ask this question not too long ago? You did... I recognize the writing style and choice of words. You must really want some verification on this question.

My answer is still the same... older guy is more likely to value her middle aged pussy more than a guy like me that is the same age range and can still pull 20-year-olds. I wouldn't, simply wouldn't be happy with her deflated sex drive, looks that even if she still has is about to deflate at any moment now, and I'd just rather have someone that is ready to have more fun rather that just be serious and do nothing fun. I still want fun. She sounds so not fun that it makes me want to hurt myself rather than get stuck with her. Perhaps 60-year-old me would feel differently about 40-ish year old her? Just saying...

Don't give me MHO this time around, I'll attach a picture to pull a superb opinion.

Ahh, superb opinion material right there. 😂 🤣

[Asker]

Yeah that was me, and I do need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing by trying to force her into a relationship. I feel it’s the right thing and that I’m only looking out for her but everyone we both know is telling me to butt out and mind my own business, including her. I just feel like nobody is taking my side on this except the guy who wants to date her.

[D_Bone_Steak]

That's a hard place to be. You have good intentions and you're on the right side of the argument... at the same time though you're being told to just butt out because of reasons that don't make sense or they're proven wrong already.

I hate to say this... but sometimes you have to just let your friends hangout in the failure department and move on. I know you care, but nobody cares that you care if you know what I'm saying. Some people work for and just get what they fucking deserve in the end. I think as an onlooker that sees it in advance, you might be best to just step away and let her continue until she has nothing left but the boxed wines and cats. Even then she'll and other's will still think you're wrong. You and I get it though. Make the better choices for yourself and drop them off at the failure station. TikTok is filled with the likes of them complaining about where have all the good men gone... that's their life choice and it sucks, but it is what they want.

[Asker]

She just pissed me off so I’m done now. I told her she can’t put healing and therapy first. I’ve told her to date the 60 year old and let him be part of her healing. I realized that women shouldn’t have a choice whether they get married or remain single. Our choices should be get married young or join a convent. I’m glad I realized that (even though I realized it late).

Like I said, if she were a good ten/fifteen years younger I’d tell her “yes, go ahead and heal first”. But she’s 40. The pickings are slim and she’s already been red flagged by a couple of guys we know because she’s pretty but still single at 40. So now I think she needs to prioritize finding a man and then she can heal. She refuses, so I basically told her that she can “prioritize healing” herself into a lonely old age.

I realized it late, but I’m putting it to good use and telling young gen z girls not to make the same mistakes. You’d be surprised how many of them agree with me, not like our generation with all these “women don’t need marriage” types.

[D_Bone_Steak]

It's amazing isn't it... how many didn't swallow the femcel pill or know to avoid it? Oh yeah, they're out there. Your friend is beyond helping or healing... like I said, drop them off at the station and move on with yourself. She's not going to stop and probably have a few more guys like myself run through her if she can pull that off even. Then what? Not much... cats and boxed wines will be the big achievement of the days. They die alone in whatever housing they have... maybe the cats will comfort them in the end.

[Asker]

Not so much the whole femcel thing, she has daddy issues that should have been treated years ago but for some reason were not. Like I said, it’s not her fault she’s damaged, but it is her fault she didn’t fix it sooner and marry years ago.

Have a few more guys run through her? No she won’t. How do I know this? Because she won’t let them run through her. Like I said she’s a prude. Guys our age see she’s pretty and consider her one time fuck material and considering she won’t even allow a man to be sexual with her, men basically have no use for her.

She’s not really beyond healing, but there’s really no point in healing if she doesn’t have a man in her life.

I told her to enjoy being alone the rest of her life. She can heal but no man will want her and I also told her she just lost the friend who cared enough to do the necessary intervention and not enable her with the whole “healing is more important than finding a man” nonsense.

To be fair, I force all my single women friends into relationships because I see being single in middle age with no prospects as a character flaw that needs correcting. If that friend refuses to correct it, I correct it for them. I made finding a man a priority for myself and I’m I did.

[D_Bone_Steak]

My mother-in-law is here and she's just like your friend, same with my mother... I'm just sort of soaking in their "true force lonely" vibes.

To be honest I think they're the types of people that are just better off alone. I mean, they'd just make the men involved miserable. If your friend is anything like these women in front of me right now... please just let them die alone. They make me miserable and I'm just watching them and not interacting.

Thank God I have like my own apartment down here in the basement. Yeah if your friend is anything like these women... they're just better off alone. Reminds me of that meme, where it shows a woman and she's saying she only has her holes to offer, but even that is off-limits. It's also kind of trippy that I was chatting about this subject with you online and then real life put it in front of my face like this.

Some people are just better off alone... don't waste your time on trying to help them. I'm pretty sure of that advice at this point.

[Asker]

Yeah, all she says is “I have a good heart. That should be enough”, and she does. She’ll give you the shirt off her back, but that doesn’t attract men. Not the good ones anyway. What does? Youth, fertility, sex and prettiness. Her youth is gone, she was diagnosed infertile at 25 (which makes her even more of a red flag), she won’t have sex and she’s 40, so even though the prettiness is there, it’ll be gone in another two or three years. So she’s done. Sad thing I think she realized it when I went off, because she told me she had a change of heart and was willing to give the 60 year old a chance. Too late though, I promised to fix him up with another friend of ours who likes older men. Too bad, he wanted her despite knowing all of her issues.

I basically told her she was right to stay in healing. I also told her hopefully you find someone else when you’re ready, but I doubt it. And I told her good luck finding a sense of purpose without a man and not to come to me to be fixed up because she only got one chance.

This man was so good too. Highly educated, financially stable, retired but still works part time, healthy and has all of his teeth, decent looking, does charity work, treats women really well, wouldn’t have pushed her for sex, knew all about her daddy issues but still wanted a chance to prove that not all men are like her father, would have taken care of her and the only thing she would have had to do in return was take care of him, accompany him to the many charity functions he does and look pretty on his arm. She passed it up and now our other friend is getting that. I did my part. I will still be friends with her and support her, but I’m just going to let her be single and do her own thing now.

[D_Bone_Steak]

It's probably for the best. I mean carrying Daddy issues all the way into her 40's is kind of ridiculous to begin with. But she would've made him miserable in the long run... I'm pretty sure of that. Like, he sounds great for her, but I don't think shed be all that great for him. Juice not worth the squeeze sort of business.

And look at that... I'm the same age as her saying that. Juice isn't worth the squeeze. I'm a same aged male and looking at that situation of sexless dry life of boring is just not very appealing at all. I don't think even 60-year-old me would want her.

[Asker]

Oh absolutely! She just never let herself get close to any man because of what her father did. A male friend of mine tried to date her a few years ago. He compared her to the eastern coral snake. Beautiful to look at, but very standoffish and if you try to romance her, she’ll bite you (not literally). I’m not bringing her around the single men I know anymore, because the men always pester me to fix them
up with her or put in a word and I do it thinking “maybe she’ll be open to it this time” and I watch the poor men get rejected. Now I’m to the point where if they ask I’m just going to tell them everything that’s wrong with her and top it all off with “daddy left her when she was 5. If her own father had the good sense to not want her, that’s saying something”. I know, not something a good friend would say, but I’d rather tell the poor men all the red flags so they don’t waste their time.

[Asker]

I’m sorry I’m still ranting, but now I’m pissed and I’m being made into the bad guy by all my friends because I’m not an enabler.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You can rant all you want to me, it sort of feeds my confirmation bias about certain types of women which your friend is a gleaming example of.

She has a pattern and it's not going to disappear overnight. Like, remember when I mentioned she probably has met Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right many times before during her prime... she just isn't going to change what she did to them even though she's aging out of the sexual marketplace.

The pattern is already set in my opinion. No guy will be good enough... not ever. Sure she might be another one screaming about "where have all the good men gone" and basically being a meme... but she's the real problem at the end of the day.

I think you've seen the light and basically figured out how not to become the stereotypical cat lady with boxed wine and no other options in life other than anti-depressants and maybe a growing dildo collection. I also think the good nurture side of you just wanted to save your friend as well. Some people don't want to be saved though. Women just like her are all over TikTok making fools of themselves. I doubt you could save her even if she wanted to be saved. And like the wise people say, the path to hell is bathed in good intentions. It's probably best to let her and the whole situation be and not visit hell if you know what I mean. If she really wanted to be saved from her situation... she probably would've done it herself by now.

[Asker]

Very true, but some good came out of it. The 60 year old is open to meeting my other friend who is also our age and just as pretty but also a much better fit. She’s never been married, but her situation is a little different. She had to be a full time caretaker for her parents at 18, both were really sick and the dad had a drinking problem to boot, so she didn’t date throughout her 20’s and early 30’s because of that. Her dad died when she was 30 and her mom five years later. She technically didn’t start dating until age 36 and learned the hard way that it’s not easy to find a good man at our age. She had a lot men our age make anssumptions about her being “easy” or having a character flaw because she never dated, but she understands why, and she didn’t really know any single men in the 50 plus bracket. She was really interested when I told her about this guy. She’s more than interested in what he has to offer and doesn’t have any issues either. She knows she can’t have kids at this age, all she wants is companionship and love, and someone who will actually let her be a good wife. So I’m happy that I was at least able to play matchmaker for that girl and help her.

[D_Bone_Steak]

That's the kind of woman that warms my heart at finding companionship and love... yeah the kids thing won't happen, but happiness doesn't have to come from that. I have more kids than I know what to do with and I don't think beyond the baby phase they didn't make my woman happy in the long run. Now they're just adults that hit her up for money... basically. My last child is autistic and oddly, he seems to be our best friend. He's like me and has no obsession with money and material things.

Anyways, this other girl sounds like she's sacrificed in ways that are not selfish at all. I'm glad you hooked her up. I might sound kind of evil, but the first girl... I just think she's getting what she deserves. OMG imagine taking care of parents, one with a drinking problem, and missing out on so much for it. To put it another way... I have zero interest in the first girl, but the second one sort of pulls my heart strings.

[D_Bone_Steak]

You're doing God's work. I love it.

[Asker]

Update and I’m still in shock (in a good way) and CAN NOT believe this! The first friend admitted that she was wrong all this time. She’s still healing, but is now going out of her way to educate all of the young women about the importance of marrying young, and not only that, she’s using herself and all of her baggage as an example. And now she has yet another man chasing her and she actually told him (in front of me) about her baggage not in a rejection kind of way, but more so in a “are really sure that I’d be good for you?” kind of way. And he just said that they can take it slow and move at her comfort level, so apparently she’s now open to talking. When she told me this, I was shocked and I asked her what changed. She said after I blew up at her, she realized she was wrong decided that she didn’t want to live that way anymore. She talked with her therapist and the therapist told her she can still date while she’s in therapy. So now she’s also teaching all of the young gen z girls and the younger millennial women she knows not to let anger from childhood trauma get the best of them and interfere with their relationships. I’m so proud of her and I hope she continues on this new path.

As for my other friend who agreed to hook up with the 60 year old, they’re taking things slow too. And my boyfriend proposed on New Year’s so after all that it worked out well for everyone!

[D_Bone_Steak]

I'm glad to hear this.

[Finchie40]

It’s not wrong but understand it’s mainly going to come down to her decision, not yours. We can’t force someone to like someone because we like them , it has to be their choice and decision, just the way it goes

[Anonymous]

Let her live her life and if she comes to you then give your opinion. Until then, leae her life alone, it you were my friend then i would dump you based on what you have said

[Ms_Facesitter]

No, I think it's normal to want the best for your friends.

[AI Opinion]

Your heart's in the right place, wanting the best for your friend, and playing matchmaker is tempting when you see someone you care about struggling. But love's a personal journey, and everyone moves at their own speed. She's healing, and therapy's an important step. Pressuring her, even with good intentions, might feel like a red flag to her. Encourage and support her, flirt with the idea that life's a rom-com where she'll find the right guy at the right time. Sometimes, all you need to do is be there, maybe with a tub of ice cream, and let her write her love story her way. 💖

[molonski2]

Might be wrong , but she needs a guy who is really going to take charge and not put up with her sht , her reaction probably comes from her background , but that's what she will relate to.

NO , you are not wrong for wanting to find her a man , for certain , nice thoughts.

[Anonymous]

If she were as wonderful as your sales pitch, it's difficult to see how she's not been picked up by a reasonable man who wants to build with her even if she herself has bad choices herself.
As it is, she's got to 40, aged out of family, and is in therapy. She may be wonderful. But thems the facts.
It would seem you cannot do any worse a stewardship than she has. And maybe a lot better.

[Asker]

Agreed! She’s a wonderful person, don’t get me wrong, but she is what most would call “damaged goods”. I mean, she was four years old when her father took off so it’s not her fault she’s damaged, but she’s still damaged. With or without therapy, most men consider fatherless girls to be a red flag. And she’s 40, and never married, and childless and the fact that she’s pretty makes it easy for men to wonder why she’s still single. That’s why.

I fear for her though. I’m one of the few women who married young, and I don’t think it’s good for women to be single. I think she still has a SLIGHT chance of snagging a decent man, and I’m trying to push her back out into the dating world so that she could catch one before it’s too late (if it isn’t already). It’s good she’s in therapy but it’s also not good because she’s being told by her therapist to hold off on finding a man until she’s healed and I think it’s definitely going to be too late for her. Her looks aren’t going to last much longer. She had a beautiful soul and a kind heart, but neither of those will help her as she has to have the looks first.

I have male friends who are very good guys begging me to fix them up with her, but she refuses them.

[Opinion Owner]

No amount of opportunities will come to anything until she's open to the process.
Maybe therapy is what she needs now.
Later pick up a house trained divorcee with a warm heart, already had and raised his kids, and just needs a stable, warm woman to live out their remaining years in bliss with.

[BonzoInBitburg]

You're not wrong for wanting, you'd be wrong for doing because you've been told not to. She's also in therapy so leave her alone so she can get herself sorted out.

[Asker]

She’s already 40 though. I think if she heals first it might be too late for her to find a man. Not too many guys want women in their 40’s

[BonzoInBitburg]

That's not your problem. It's her choice and if she doesn't want a matchmaker you should respect that

[Nikki1989]

Playing matchmaker is a risky adventure.

[jahaims]

If she were a catch she would be in a healthy relationship.

[Asker]

She has had multiple opportunities to be in healthy relationships. She goes for men who treat her exactly the same way her father did. On the plus side, she’s getting help. If we were a good decade or so younger, I’d say heal first then date, but she’s already 40 and still single. If she waits until she’s healed, it might be (already is) too late for her. That’s why I’m trying to push her into dating WHILE she’s healing.

[NathanDavis]

Yes.

[PepperJackson]

Yes.