I dumped my boyfriend because I can't wait 5-6 years to have kids, isn't this a valid reason?

[Anonymous]

Our ages are 26 and 35 but when we first met in March 2023, I thought we had a common main goal of having a large family (3 kids at least) and I wouldn't wait more than 3 years.

We had a serious conversation recently to see where things are going and he admitted to wanting to postpone the timeframe to 5-6 more years. Needless to say I was very disappointed. I didn't agree to a very long-term childfree relationship. If I had known that earlier, I would've never dated him. What if I need medical intervention by then? What if I can't get pregnant easily or it's a complicated pregnancy? What if I could only have 1 child by then?

This was my reply towards him:

''Thank you for your honesty but I'm very sorry. I'm not willing to wait 5-6 years. That's too much. So since we're clearly not on the same wavelength as previously agreed, let's part ways and cease contact. If you change your mind and I'm still available and single, we're talk about it. If not, then don't look for me. Well it was nice to have met you. Have a great life. Bye.''

I've been having mixed opinions regarding this. Several of my friends agreed it was right but a couple of them think I cut him off too quick, that I should've been more patience. But 2 years can easily turn into 3, 4, 5+ years and then what? What if I had agreed with his extended timeframe for kids, only to find out he's still not ready after 5-6 years? In addition, some reason I refused to move in and buy a house with him. We were living seperately all this time.

[HawkPerception]

Geez... that sounded cold. Sounds like if he doesn't provide you with children, he's dead to you. It doesn't sound like you care about the connection much. If you're just looking to have kids and start a family, try a sperm bank or something.

[Asker]

It's not that he's dead to me. It's the simply reason that he isn't what I'm looking for, we're not on the same page as previously agreed and he led me on; he basically lied to me. How is dating a woman that's been very clear from the beginning about wanting kids as a life goal and then agreeing with her that you it wouldn't be more than 3 years, then after nearly 2 years into the relationship admitting that you then want to wait another 5-6 years... how is that not lying?

[Asker]

I never wanted a long-term, childfree girlfriend and girlfriend relationship. I never agreed to a long-term, living together childfree relationship. There are several other women out there that would be happy being a man's girlfriend for 6-8 years and no kids; I'm not that woman. Why did he even dated me if he knew I wanted a large family?
I've enough assets myself. What I want is a large family with a man that I love and that's within my same timeframe, that wants the same thing I want. Is that so difficult to ask?

[Asker]

I'll be 31-32 years old by then and probably only have one child. I would like to be either on my 2nd or 3rd child by then. During the break-up, he admitted that if we had lived together, we would be childfree and he would wait 5-6 years. I never agreed to that agenda. How is that leading someone?

[Asker]

He wasted two years of my time and I'm the bad person in the story?

[HawkPerception]

While there are some men that would take you up on the offer, the majority with good intentions and plan to marry for love would prefer to take their time to get to know the person they'll be spending their life with before making such a commitment.

I do agree that you should talk about these things up front and make sure someone is set on having a family as soon as you are. If you made that clear at the start, then set a timeframe where you want to have the children and if they're not cool with it, then don't waste your time.

The majority of men that would rush a life and family with a woman are those that think more about the sex and wouldn't mind having kids with you if it means they get to have sex with you consistently.

Marriage and kids aren't something you can easily rush. It's a huge commitment for the man as well. No matter how ready you are for it, you have to take their perspective into account as well.

That is why society is so backwards nowadays. Women wait until they're old and on the verge of being incapable of having kids to have a family and focus on career rather than finding a partner.

[Asker]

Yet it's very easy for men to take their sweet time, takes so many years when they don't have the biological clock issue we have. I can't afford an 6-8 year-old relationship.
In addition, it didn't take my father 5-6 years to commit to my mother. They were boyfriend and girlfriend 18 months, then proceeded to a 3-4 month-old engagement and then a small wedding. My mother helped out with the cost too. They're still together and happy. They knew they were the one for each other. Thing is I've read that when men know she's the one, they won't wait too much. If they make her wait longer, then it's another one of those extended casual relationship by then, not a serious one where he wants kids with her.

[Asker]

I'll give it a simple analogy. Imagine trying to sell something to a customer. If the customer is convinced enough, he isn't going to question too much and will proceed with the purchase. If the customer isn't convinced, he's going to postpone, asking more questions and it's getting nowhere.

Kind of similar. If he needs too much time, then he doesn't want her.

[HawkPerception]

We live in different times than before. Feminism has brought about equal rights and women now have the potential to make the same income or more than men and many do. Men do not see our place in society as easily as in the past as we are no longer needed to provide and therefore we take longer to figure ourselves out in life. We are products of the times we live in to an extent.

If you wanted a family so badly, you could have had one earlier in life rather than focusing so much on career and income.

Just because your parents lived a certain way doesn't mean you'll have the same outcome. People also got married much earlier in life in the past. Many of our grandparents got married before the age of 20, yet here you are complaining about guys not rushing to start a family with you in your 30s. Make it make sense.

[Asker]

I'm 26 at this moment (I was 24 when I met him and got led on) and so I have to start all over and will likely seek an older 35-40 year-old man for my next relationship. I'll take a short break for the meantime and then proceed with the vetting process.

[Asker]

My parents were actually ages 25 and 29 when they got married. That's about average, not that young either.

[HawkPerception]

Ah my apologies. I assumed the reason you were rushing this was because you're older (the 35 year old, not the 26 year old). I still think you should focus more on dating for love rather than rushing children, but that's my own opinion.

It's sometimes hard to see things in black and white when it comes to scenarios such as this, so I will say I don't think you're in the wrong.

You're 26 and you'll figure things out. Not to worry.

[Asker]

Yes I do want to find love and at the same time, set up a timeframe. Years go by faster when you're not even thinking and next thing is I'll be 30 one day. Having both love and kids is the great combination.

[HawkPerception]

I sincerely wish you well in your endeavors.

[Asker]

Thank you.

[molonski2]

What absolutely offensive remarks..

If I were him , Id say goodbye thankyou for your time , but you utterly wasted mine and don't worry I will NOT be contacting you. What a gaul to think you can set ultimatums like that on someone you have been that closely..

So absolutely offensive.

He did the right thing , who would want to marry you.

[Asker]

What about me and my concerns? He wasted 2 years of my time I'll never get back. I never agreed to a long-term boyfriend and girlfriend, childfree relationship. He never told me that from the very beginning. He agreed to no more than 3 years and that our goal was to have a large family. That was talked about from the very beginning.
He waited 2 years to finally admit that he wanted to wait another 5-6 years... how is that not leading someone?

[Asker]

Why should I follow his timeframe and his agenda I never signed up for?

[Asker]

That's not ultimatums. That's being staight to the point and standing my ground to what was agreed to early on. If he didn't like it, then why even date me? There are many other women that would be happy with a long-term (5+ years), childless relationship. I'm not that woman.

[molonski2]

You dont need to worry he obviously wants you gone anyhow , and frankly he is better off without you. Good Luck.

[Asker]

Good for him. While I'll likely already be settled down and on my 2nd child within 5-6 years (the timeframe he expected me to wait), he can get another woman that never wants kids, that would be happy being a man's forever girlfriend.

[molonski2]

Stick with the next question you already have presented sweetheart , that needs much more work too..
Just drop this utter shite and get on with your life.

[aromatic_xo]

Yes, it’s totally a valid reason. Don’t listen to the people who tells you it’s not. Everyone has their own timeline, and if having kids are important to you, you shouldn't settle for waiting years and if he wasn’t on the same page, it makes sense you'd move on. You’ve got to be with someone who wants the same things in life.

[Asker]

Some men don't seem to understand about our biological clock towards having healthy kids (esp if a woman wants a large family) and really think we have all the time and that we should just trust a man's words that he'll be ready in 5-6 years, that we should have kids base on his timeframe. That's a far future and it's more likely the man can get too comfortable with a long-term, childless relationship.
Needless to say I actually felt lied to, misled because we had a discussion early on about what we were looking for in this relationship and that 3 years would be the most I could wait, no more. Him waiting 2 years to then finally admit that he really wants to wait another 5-6 years means I was lied to. I never agreed to that.

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, love! As a relationship coach on GAG, I've heard it all, and your situation is definitely valid! Timing is everything, and if you're dreaming of a big family, it's crucial to be on the same page. You're right to prioritize those dreams. Waiting that long can lead to doubts and frustrations, not to mention the potential for ghosting or constant lovebombing with no commitment. Cutting ties now saves you heartbreak later. Remember, your needs matter too. Keep that positive spirit and remember, the right one will align with your dreams. 💕✨

[Drumlin2001]

Perfectly reasonable to end it. But why with a message and not in person?

[Asker]

I did break up in person. I was just summarizing what I've told him. I think I'll be seeking for an older 35-40 year-old, stable man for my next relationship.

[Drumlin2001]

I'd be clear from the off that you want kids in the future. Don't waste time with someone who's on the fence

[Asker]

Thank you. Yeah I'll be more than crystal clear during my the vetting process.

[Happilytakenbf]

If you both want different things sometimes it’s best to go separate ways especially if it’s a major event such as children

[Asker]

yeah that's something major that can't be compromised. The irony is he wanted me to move in and buy a house with him. I'm glad to have refused it. Then finally admitted that we would've been living together but childfree. Differently not on the same page and not what I agreed to.

[Happilytakenbf]

Yeah it sucks but the reality is you have a clock counting down for your ability to have kids an if it’s what you want when you wanna you need to be in angreement

[Asker]

This is why I tend to seek older men. My next relationship, I'll likely focus on searching for a 35-40 year-old man.

[Happilytakenbf]

Because of what i said?

[Asker]

no.. because I know 20-30 year-olds men tend not to be ready for kids yet and want to take their time. Yet by the time they're ready, we'll either have a complicated pregnant or have a hard time conceiving. We don't have the luxury of being in one of those 5-8 year-old childfree relationship. He has all the time but I don't.

[Happilytakenbf]

Oh okay sorry I thought I upset you lmao

[Happilytakenbf]

I’d like kids young but it’s the money for houses clothing food etc it’s not easy

[Asker]

yeah kids cost but it's worthy in the end. It's amazing when certain women have 2 or more babies in just one pregnancy. That would be even better. It would great being pregnant with twins or triplets.. gets job of wanting a large family done faster and over with quicker.

[Happilytakenbf]

lol yeah it’s worth it just have to be in a position to do it! I got my own issues I need advice on but I think I’ll get to having kids someday

[Asker]

I think you can do it if you put your mind into it and work hard for it. Good luck.

[Happilytakenbf]

Yeah maybe can you help me with a question? Dm me if you wanna

[Fury_storm]

I think you can easily have kids at 31/32 but even so you made the right choice.

[Asker]

The point is I feel as if I was lied to. If he had told me from the very beginning that he wanted a long-term, childfree boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, I wouldn't have even dated him. Agreeing with a timeframe and then waiting 2 years to then admitted that you want to wait much longer, feels like a lie.

[Fury_storm]

yeah, I understand you

[Asker]

I think I'll seek for an 35-40 year-old, stable man for my next relationship. Seems like nowdays he have to search for ones that are almost 40.