Isn't love an action that can also be controlled?

[Anonymous]

It isn't just a feeling but you can actually choice to love since love isn't just a noun but a verb too. The phrase ''love can't be controlled/the heart doesn't decide'' makes no sense because then you might end up in a toxic relationship and the person really has no good qualities at all. That's when a relationship is only base on attraction and feelings without any vetting process done.

So just loving for feelings (and nothing else) can be misleading and led to break-ups. Therefore it can be controlled. You can decide whom to love. What do you think?

[thatshydork]

I’m going to quote Laurie from Little Women in saying, “I think the poets would disagree.”

Controlling love would be like trying to heard all the oceans together without creating disaster. As much as we try to show our feelings down, deny them, give them about as much ground a so there is between the earth and sun, love finds away. Love is like the little saplings that spring forth during a fire and blooms after disaster strikes except that disaster doesn’t kill love like it does plants. Love can be about as controlled as Mother Nature.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It totally can be controlled. Or more accurately, the feelings that trigger it can be controlled. The people that say it can't simply don't want to.

This is generally why women particularly have this trouble. Most women steer into the skid whe. It comes to feelings. A lot of women have an addiction to feelings. They like riding the roller coaster. Primarily the highs. But a lot find meaning in the lows as well. Men are generally much better about compartmentalized and learn to control their feelings. They create an emotional dam. They may have feelings behind that dam. But they learn to release them only as needed.

[Asker]

Indeed it can be controlled. I actually get turned off quickly when there is a huge red flag or it's getting toxic. I love it when it's a healthy relationship but not if there are too many arguments or if I see he has absolutely nothing in common with me.

[HusamRocks]

Love is a complicated process which u need to understand its mechanism first before u ask ur question, but since u have asked then u r on the beginning of understanding it 👍🏻

[Asker]

Yet I can fall out of love when I notice a major red flag and see the relationship unhealthy or toxic.

[Simslover92]

To a certain extent. You do choose who you fall in love with but you don't know who that's going to be and it usually hits you like a freight train when it happens.

[Asker]

Well while the initial falling in love can suddenly happen, I can't last anymore if I notice huge red flags. That turnos me off faster.

[Asker]

*turns me off

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love, the wild ride we all love to chat about! 🌟 You're absolutely right that love isn't just about feelings. It's an action and a choice too. You can definitely decide whom to invest your time and energy in, cultivating deeper connections or stepping back from those pesky red flags. 😉 While emotions can sweep us off our feet, it's important to align them with conscious decisions to avoid those loveblind detours. Ultimately, love's not about losing control but exercising it wisely! ❤️

[SomothErgai]

Love is a set of brain states that determine how and what you feel when you're around someone or even just think about them.

You do not get to control what state your brain will be in when you think of someone or spend time with them. Think about this. Do you like chocolate chip cookies? Let's imagine that you don't. If you eat a chocolate chip cookie when you don't like them, there is nothing you can do to simply "decide" that you do like them

When you bite into it, the taste sensations that get picked up by your taste buds turn that into signals that then Get sent to your brain. Your brain in turn interprets those signals and tells you if you like the cookie or not.

At no point in that chain of actions did you get to make the choice for how you are going to experience that cookie. This fundamental principle is true for literally every experience you have. Including love.

Now what you can do is try to do things that will alter your normal perception of the reaction. You can invent reasons not to like the person or start buying your tongue whenever you're around them. Whatever it is you have to do to change how you feel.

But here's the thing, you don't get to control if any of that will work either. You will either still love them after all of that. or you won't. But the choice isn't yours.

[Asker]

It's just that I tend to get turned off faster when I start to notice huge red flags. If someone still stays with them, even when it starts becoming toxic then that's unhealthy. For me no amount of feelings and love would make me stay with a man disrespecting my family.

[SomothErgai]

If that's true for you then that's great. Having the state of mind that allows you to leave a person, even if you love them, when they cross certain lines is not that common.

But think about this, I'm assuming you don't have kids but let's imagine you do. I would guess that if your kids started doing things you don't like. Disrespecting you or your family or maybe they steal something.

Whatever it is you will most likely not leave them because you believe you can help guide them to make better decisions. Or maybe they'll grow out of it. You hope that things will get better and maybe you let some things go because that hope for a better future compels you to hold onto them.

Now there may still be a line they could cross that would make you abandon them. But I bet that line is well beyond disrespect. Some people in love with their partner simply feel the same way. To us on the outside we think, "I would never let my partner get away with someone like that". And maybe we wouldn't. But that only means we don't love the same way that they do.

Maybe that's good and maybe it isn't. I don't know. But I think it's good to have an understanding of why people endure things that we wouldn't dream of.

[Asker]

I don't have kids yet but from my understanding the love towards a child is different than romantic love. We love our partners because they we were attracted to the person with good qualities and that love didn't happen overnight. It took time for it to build up.
With our children you can be a lot more flexible and sometimes it can even be inconditional. For instance my parents can divorce each other if they want to but they see disownment of a child an abomination. I'm the only human that they'll still love even if I were to betray them in any way. I can already picture that even if I was the most horrible person and in prison with no one wanting me, my parents would still travel miles to visit me.
Definitely a different type of love. Obviously I wouldn't ever wrong them like that but they have that type of love with me, inconditional till the very end. They remind me of Ted Bundy's mother. Poor lady. She died still loving her son.

[SomothErgai]

Yes it's a different kind of love. But the point is you still can't controll it. I'm sure you'll agree some parents don't love their children. There are many many stories of parents who have neglected or abused their children specifically because they don't feel that connection and I stint to protect. They can't control that either. They can't choose to start loving their kids any more than your parents can choose to stop loving you. Love is just something that happens to us. Or not. And what that love drives us to do is just as much out of our control. If your love for a man does not compel you to stay with him after he cheats, or hits you, or disrespects you, then you're lucky. A lot of women DO feel compelled to stay with their man because their love blinds them and makes them hopeful that they will change if they just stick with them.

It is this compulsion to stay that people just don't have control over. You either feel it or you don't. Or, as is probably more often the case, you do feel compelled to leave, but the compulsion to stay is simply stronger. Sometimes, for a lucky few, they can be talked out of the relationship by a friend or someone who loves them too. But many feel that compulsion to stay so strongly that they would rather die than leave. And many do.

If they could control the way they feel, don't you think they would choose to leave a situation that's likely to get them killed? Why would they choose that if they could freely choose something else?

It's tragic. And it's uncomfortable to think that we don't have the control over ourselves that we think we do. But the facts and logic point to only one conclusion. We do not have the freedom of will to choose anything at all. Much less our emotions and how we feel about someone.

[frissyfrish]

I completely agree. One reason I set high standards for myself in whom I'm willing to date -- and especially in whom I'm willing to have sex with -- is because I've experienced terrible pangs of heartbreak and despair when I was purely "going off feelings."

I consider myself a shy girl even today, but that was especially true when I was a teenager. But I like to write, and I kept a diary when I was a teenager (I'm so happy I did because I relive the past in a way reading entries by my former me.)

My first boyfriend was a "bad boy" in our school. But he knew how to make me laugh, and he knew how to talk about the same topics of interest that I had a huge interest in too. What can I say, he was smart.

I fell in love with him emotionally, and my heart did allow me to see warning signs that he was controlling. I believed he was looking after me and helping me.

I was a virgin and I had no intention of whatsoever of having sex with him unless he was willing to commit to marriage.

But he remembered my birthday and made me feel special. So I wanted to make him feel just as special by kissing him and consenting to what I considered "sexual teasing."

I was coy with him in public, but in private he totally activated my sexual hormones. I eventually allowed him to take my virginity. Because I felt such strong feelings towards him I believed him when he told me he'd always look after us, and I eventually wanted to raise a family with him.

I had no idea at the time that he was a manipulator, a liar, and a known psychopath.

I felt so betrayed and hurt when our relationship fell apart. I won't get in to the details, but my entire future with him fell apart. I cried for days, isolating myself except for music and my art as a release.

[StarWarGirl]

Yes I do agree. We cannot control our first impression about someone in our mind or the initial attraction. But we surely can control love and our feelings for someone at any stage. (If we wish to do so)

[Asker]

Exactly. That's precisely why people break-up.

[StarWarGirl]

I see nothing wrong in breakup. It's totally fine to choose not to be with any person with whom we can't be compatible. But also it would be wrong to reject each and every one because no body is perfect. That's reality.

But more worse is when we choose to stay with a person with whom we are always in pain and can never be happy or who is using us abusing us in the name of "because I love them".

[Cormac995]

Sometimes. Sometimes not. I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in four years, and I still think about her almost daily. Trust me if I could turn off the attract and love I feel for her still or at least tone it down I'd be happy too but I just can't get her out of my head no matter how hard I tried. I just couldn't keep dating after that I think she finally broke my heart for good this time honestly.

[slatyb]

It's a combination of attraction and action. We can be attracted to someone who turns out to be a poor partner. If we are emotionally healthy, we end it and move on. It goes both ways. There are women I didn't find attractive on first meeting, but after getting to know them I then found them quite attractive.

[Asker]

Exactly. I once dumped a past boyfriend that started being controlling to the point he would even call me at work and still expected me to answer. Then he would get upset too fast if I didn't answer. I promptly broke up after the 2nd incident.

[Asker]

I knew right there that loving doesn't involves accepting controlling, toxic behaviors.

[Pohjolan]

Love can't be controlled but how we react to it is.

[Asker]

That's why people break-up eventually if the relationship is becoming toxic and you realize that you're not compatible outside of the bedroom.

[fuddly]

That's an excellent question

As intelligent humans we must aside our negative feelings sometimes.
For example in our jobs towards people we don't like

At home towards our partner who we temporarily hate. The temporary might last years!

[dustybiker2]

With chemicals. The same drugs they use to control the elderly. Brain fry.

[captain_voidwalker]

This ssays it best. "I hate to break it to you, but what people call 'love' is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed"

[Account]

You cannot. Even I know that and I am not the most emotionally stable individual.

[LiamJHayden]

I see love as the choice to seek the better for another. Feelings / emotion I see as attraction/infatuation that needs to be filtered through logic.

[Tomisworthless]

Love is an emotion and your actions determine whether you're acting out of love or hate

[Lynx122]

Yes of course.

[LazerBean]

Yes, I agree with all of that

[NicholasRedone]

Lust sure can be controlled ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥😜

[exitseven]

Nope, love works on it;s own schedule.

[GlowUpGirly5]

What do you think? Have you not experienced love?

[Asker]

Yes but as soon as I noticed a major red flag that would turn me off. For instance a past boyfriend would call me even when he knew I was working and would get upset if I didn't answer immediately, asking where I am and sounding possessive. I left after the 2nd incident.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Yeah, that's controlling. It's good you identify red flags. Where did you meet him?

[Asker]

At college and ironically he was studying psychology. For a psychology student, he's the one that needed help.

[GlowUpGirly5]

How old is this guy?

[Asker]

I was 20 at the time and he was 22. Now he must be 33 years old.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Girl you're 30-35 so the last time you experienced what you thought was love was when you're 20. its been 10 years?

[Asker]

I've moved on since and then in a couple other relationships. Another one didn't work out because he was too much into religion to the point of fanatism. Then I had a recent break-up 5 months ago due to long-distance.

[GlowUpGirly5]

You gotta go out socialize to meet decent men

[red324]

No, but you learn to live with it.

[Ilovehimx1]

I don’t think love can be controlled

[Asker]

I can understand attraction and feelings just happen but if a relationship is becoming toxic, then it's bad for your well-being. Then you have to break-up regardless of how strong your feelings were.

[Ilovehimx1]

That’s true but I’m most cases you can’t run from your feelings too

[Anonymous]

Nope