How do you want your partner to handle conflict: through direct confrontation, calm discussions, or time apart?

Question

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

Ha. The  logical  choice is calm discussion, but people aren't like that. Direct confrontation, which I assume means a potential yelling match, goes nowhere. Time apart is the only sensible answer for real life, but it has to have perimeters. For example, graciously communicating that the conversation is escalating and it's time for a time-out is going to allow people to move from their primal "fight, flight, freeze" response back into their rational mind. But only having vague "space" with no time limits is damaging to the relationship. It's sending the message that "this issue is more important to me than you, and I can't stand being around you because of it". It's frightening if we think about it. It's  really important  to express that  we  need the space to calm down (even if they are the one who needs to calm down). With that in mind, I propose a fourth option:  Pause to reconnect .  No issue is more important than maintaining connection in a relationship , barring serious offenses like an affair. First, the other person must feel safe and respected. In any conflict, a hard line cannot be the default position and both parties need to understand how to collaborate on problem-solving. For example, let's say one party has started eating out at lunch instead of packing one. That's a significant expense, and bound to create a conflict if the budget is tight. So, the one spouse confronts the other about it.  That moment  is the moment the rational brain shuts off and a threat is felt by the offending party. There's no reasoning at that moment until the brain is guided back to feeling safe. The safest place is with the person who loves us most. Therefore, the best solution is to say, "I want to talk about this more, but first, I want to spend some time letting you know what I appreciate about you". That may come after a bit of space has been had (i. e. going for a walk, etc.). The key is that we can create triggers in relationships when we separate. "Going for a walk" can become "I'm so angry with you I can't stand to be around you". It's extremely important that if it's  possible  to stay connected in some way (going for a walk in silence together, deep breathing together, etc.), I would really stress doing that. Anyway, having dealt with my fair share of conflicts both with family members, a spouse, and children, I have found that this is the best solution to approaching conflict with people for me.

fartingspinster · Accepted Answer

Time apart initially if emotions are high or someone really got triggered.
As adults, we should be able to regulate ourselves and dig deep to understand what happened/why we got emotional, then come back together and have a calm discussion and a meeting of the mind/heart.

Buuuut, that doesn't always happen. And I really dont like confrontation but sometimes it happens - and by this i dont mean yelling but like a blunt emotional reaction or adult tantrum from lack of expression/knee perks reactions will happen. Should be very few in a healthy relationship but it will happen. In that case - one person needs to de-escalate, the other needs to listen to the de-escalation and try hard not to lose their shit. Then have an emotional talk before a calm conversation or time away then a calm conversation.

Honestly a relationship is going to have all 3 modalities if you are being real and honest. I wonder if there actually are people out there that always have calm conversations... id like to meet them. But id imagine no passion

Finchie40 · Answer

Calm discussions without pointing fingers at each other before pointing fingers’ at yourself first , Unfortunately it doesn’t always go that way , it would be nice , but everyone is different and everyone thinks differently for the most part. When I learned how to point fingers at myself first , the arguing with girls’ I was in a relationships with , got better and we no longer had extreme and out of control arguments , we barely argued at all to be honest with you , because we were actually listening to each other without attacking each other. One thing that I learned to do was to stop using the word YOU in an argument. When we use the word you in an argument , the other person isn’t going to listen to you , because you are pointing fingers at them and blaming them for being the issue , they will immediately feel attacked and they will not listen to you at all , because they are immediately planning to defend themselves instead. When you stop using the word YOU , they more than likely will listen to you and try to understand why you are upset instead of preparing to defend themselves. Once I started doing this with girls’ they started respecting me more and loving me more because they didn’t feel attacked. If you are with a girl that always blames you for things and says You did this and you did that , explain this to her and more than likely she will no longer point fingers at you first. If she does t stop , then you are best to move on from her ass lol

Summeroflove · Answer

Calm discussions for the most part but it completely depends on context. Sometimes if people are too heated they need to take time to calm down before they engage in a conversation.

If it’s something major such as cheating then you may need to go the route of directly confronting your significant other.

But for most issues if people would talk with one another because many times it’s smaller things that are never communicated that lead to bigger and worse issues later on. Especially when someone expects their significant other to just read their mind. Sometimes it’s small annoyances, they want something, don’t feel their needs are being fully met, don’t feel understood over something, have some insecurity, and the list goes on.

So it eventually grows as resentment grows. Things start coming out in different toxic ways some passive aggressive some full on aggressive. Someone could be angry and you don’t even know why they’re mad because they can’t communicate like a adult.

AviatorTom · Answer

I'd prefer calm discussions, but my wife and I scream at each other, release the tension, then move on. So I voted for Direct confrontation.

DishLady · Answer

I'd rather have calm, reasonable discussions, however it takes two people to have a civilized conversation, so sometimes more direct communication of what your boundaries are (not so much an all-out confrontation) is helpful, followed by time apart.

IslaTheWitch · Answer

open communication... some topics are emotional... so calm discussion is not always possible... so, taking breaks and returning to crucial topics and solving them step by step is the only working method...

pushing, forcing or guilt-tripping aren't good methods for solving conflicts...

sage2021 · Answer

I found out that with the right person I can actually have an adult and calm conversation and it proves to be better than any other way to handle a conflict.

Thank God that my late boyfriend was level headed enough and we had mutual respect for each other. But we rarely had any conflicts to speak of.

That's one reason why I miss him so damn much❣️❣️

Purpleronnie · Answer

Call me lucky but my lady and and I always have calm discussion and if it ever escalates we always choose to give each other some time to think and re-ground ourselves and then come back to the table.

Wasn’t always this way in other relationahips and maybe why I am the way that I am , but I cannot suffer raised volume and high pitched nonsense screaming and the mudslinging and name calling. I’d sooner be single forever than suffer that shit 💩

Blunky · Answer

I have yet to feel the need to yell at a partner. If they can't have a calm discussion, it's not the right time to discuss it. I know my worth and am fine with being by myself so there just isn't a need for it.

Unless it's trust related. That is one area I will absolutely be direct about as I don't like leaving things to suspicion, nor do I want to give the impression that I don't notice something.

sawno · Answer

In my last relationship we always approached it with a "I love you so lets work this out" mindset. Usually that worked, sometimes emotions were to high and then we'd try again once calmer usually after a few hours. I hold my future partners to the same standard.

SolitarySolace · Answer

Calm discussions are the best way to work through conflict. Communication, understanding, and respect go a long way in maintaining a strong relationship. Direct confrontation can be too aggressive, and time apart can sometimes make things worse. Talking things through with patience and honesty is always the best approach for us.

- Eva ❤️

Crimsyjo · Answer

I don't think this question will be a hard one to answer. Calm discussions!!

Lliam · Answer

Calm discussions, obviously. Good communication skills, active listening, and genuine care for each other's happiness are essential. No matter the argument, you have to convey love.

mattthefatbat · Answer

I like handling this like tackling a literal problem together as a team. Nothing gets done if we walk away from it. Nothing gets done if all we do is bicker, blame and argue about who's at fault either. Just talk to me we listen to eachother and we work it out. she's a grown woman right? Then I'm sure we can handle things like grown ups.

dragoblack · Answer

Yelling honestly gets you nowhere besides a worse situation, if not breaking up... can't tell you how many times I have heard couples yelling at eachother in public for all to hear (and normally it's over something petty or a simple disagreement). Communication is key, and yelling isn't communication, just a tantrum. I get emotions get high, but it's always good to have self control and walk away to calm yourself to where you can gather your thoughts before communicating.

KittygosMeoWW · Answer

I think all of them with limits of course… direct confrontation is a good thing as long as it doesn’t get physical

molonski2 · Answer

Certainly B  Any form of in your face confrontation is certainly no way to react and will make more issues.

Hobobobo · Answer

Direct confrontation and calm discussion are the same to me. What do you mean by these terms? Why are they different to you?

Shiprex · Answer

So much less drama than verbal battles and isolation strategies

Alexa6 · Answer

Time apart like half a day or day then calm discussion when we’re both calm.

faith_it · Answer

Direct confrontation in a calm way as much as possible

Manuelwe · Answer

The shooter the temper. The alcohol content in each person. And who is nearer the exit. Usually it maybe safer to have angry sex then sort out problems later

NicholasRedone · Answer

Calm discussions :) throw in smiles 🤫😃

Dongie · Answer

Calm.

How do you want your partner to handle conflict: through direct confrontation, calm discussions, or time apart?

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